Thursday, January 17, 2008

Is my recovery good enough?

Am I ok?

This recovery stuff is tricky.

There have been times when I wanted reassurance that my recovery was ‘good’…that I was ‘safe’ and I needed to hear (from someone I considered an ‘authority’) that what I was doing would suffice.

The thing is…how would they know? How would ANYONE know?

My recovery will look a little bit differently than anyone elses. I have my own set of issues, problems, beliefs and strengths…the things that may prove to be challenges in my recovery may be a breeze for some people….so how on earth would anyone else KNOW that I am doing everything that I need to do…to be ok?

And…even if they did…even if some individual could look at me and say ‘yes, you are doing exactly what you should be doing to assure that you will not become active in your addiction again’….even if that were a FACT…who’s to say that I would still be doing what is necessary next year or next month or even next week?


The only one that know is ??? me?

That’s a scary thought….cuz….I have abstained in the past…and I was doing great…feeling wonderful…LIVING my life again….and I started changing what I was doing…or more accurately…stopping what I was doing (with regards to recovery).

And that was FINE.
It worked just fine for a while.
It worked

Until it didn’t.

If I decide that I am going to put this gambling stuff behind me and get on with my life (tried that before)…I need to acknowledge that my addictive voice is telling me this. I need to be aware.

If I pull back from my ‘friends in recovery’ ….if my participation in my fellowships begins to decrease……I need to be aware.

If I begin to minimize how bad I bad my life was when I was in the cycle….I need to be aware.

If I begin to think I know it all…and do not remain open minded…I need to be aware.

I need to BEWARE.

Also.....No one can tell me that I’m doing it wrong….if it is working for ME…it is right for me…and when it isn’t working…..I will change it.

This is my life.
This is MY recovery.
If I am to have anything....I must have this.

So grateful today.....embracing my world.

When God loves a creature he wants the creature to know the highest happiness and the deepest misery. He wants him to know all that being alive can bring. That is his best gift. There is no happiness save in understanding the whole.—Thornton Wilder

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