Nobody said it was going to be easy

OMG

I wanted to smoke so badly today.

I was so right...urge is much to soft a word.

No doubt, this really IS about changing how we think.

Before I left the house this morning...that voice started saying things like...'it wouldnt hurt to smoke just one' and 'no one would have to know' and, ya know? I was pretty convinced...I'd almost given myself permission....


almost.

This blog was a huge roadblock....it is an 'accountability partner' of sorts...I mean...if I am gonna lie here..then what is the point???

for that matter....forget smoking....in LIFE now...I am striving for honesty....so....if I lie about THIS...then...again....what the hell am I doing?

besides.... do I really want to smoke?

Hell yes.


I do.

But,

I don't want to BE A SMOKER.

See...that's another lie that the addiction tells us...the addiction says...'I can DO this (smoke just one)...and still not BE that (a smoker).'

then....i remembered an entry I made...entitled Make a Decision...where I say:

I had to DECIDE what kind of a life I wanted...then...every moment of every day...make the choices that coincide with that decision.

right... these LITTLE choices...all add up to make me who I am...so yes...if I choose to smoke right now I AM still a smoker.

What I *DO* determines who I *AM*.

that didn't help too much.

I still wanted to smoke.

So, I thought...I just won't smoke right now...maybe I will smoke on the return trip (I was driving) but...I just won't smoke on the way there.

and I kept thinking.

I was thinking that....maybe I would smoke then come here to this blog and admit it..I mean..I am an addict...there is no shame...who would blame me???

I was thinking about previous attempts at trying to quit....when...I would give in..and have 'just one'...

that first few seconds...was good....relief....comfort...(I had my drug)..but then....just a few minutes later...before I'd even FINISHED the damn cigarette..I'd be sorry I'd done it...I mean...it DIDN'T really taste that good...and...it didn't really FEEL that good...it was an illusion?? when I DON't have it...I want it so bad...and I build up in my mind how wonderful it is...but...in truth...is it really?

When I was struggling with gambling urges, I would sometimes do more than just 'play a tape' in my mind...I would actually (sort of) pretend...like....imagine putting the money in the machine...and press the button press the button press the button, credits going down down down, press the button, press the button, maybe credits up a bit, then back down, down down down, up a little...and...as I would 'pretend' I could almost feel that feeling...THOSE feelings...that thing that happens in your gut...the anticipation...and the let down.....almost like waking from a gambling dream...I would sort of FEEL like I had experienced it...and often...it would help the urge to pass

so...I did that today....imagined...pretended that I WAS actually smoking...and yes...that initial inhale was good...it WAS a relief... I relax --- but just as I said....it wasn't really THAT good...almost immediately I realized it WASN'T worth it...it wasn't...

what, exactly, is this pleasure that smoking would give me?
Will I be happy? no...I'll be upset...for many reasons.
Will I FEEL good? well...hmmm...what does that MEAN? feel good? I mean...NO..of COURSE it doesn't FEEL good! An ORGASM feels good...this is a damn CIGARETTE!!!

the pleasure...that smoking would give me...is????

the only thing that I can think of is...this 'addictive voice' would be silenced...there would be no struggle in my head.

is that it?

is that all that I will get from having a cigarette? this inner dialogue will end?

and for a moment..there will be relief (administration of the drug)...and then....there will be remorse.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMOKER!!!
So...just for right now...I will not smoke.

and then...I started thinking...what would I say to someone ELSE that was in this position...if one of my cg friends was trying to stop smoking...and came into chat..and said...I really want a cigarette....what would I say to them?

and I started saying that stuff to ME.
I said.

It's OK if you smoke.
It's legal...it's your choice.
You are an adult.
You are free to smoke if you like.
so do it.
unless....you don't want to be a smoker any more...
in which case....you will have to outwit, outplay, outlast this addictive voice...
and you can do it.

And then...I was HERE...at my final destination...I had made it!

All I had to do was keep the dialogue going....just don't smoke...RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

I am a survivor....
more and more, it is obvious to me...what a slave I am.

I desire my freedom.

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“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” -- Stephen R. Covey