Sunday, January 20, 2008

Will I always be addicted?

The short answer for me is yes ---

this compulsive gambling thing is not about bad behavior... it LOOKS like it is because once we are in it..we do bad things...we do worse and worse order to remain active in the addiction...

the things that I have not done to gamble? In G.A. they say "you haven't done it YET" and I strongly believe that...

there are many things that I am pretty sure I would NEVER do..
but you know what?
I never thought I'd do some of the things I've already done!

Anyway...there are physical changes that take place in the brain when we gamble having to do with the reward center in the brain....chemicals are released that make us feel GOOD.... a small percentage of people who gamble...continue to do so..for that affect (having NO idea that this is the beginning of an addiction)...and USUALLY....those people do not stop until they are in a lot of pain.

At least *I* was before I sought help.

When I pull myself out of the now...I feel NORMAL...I do not struggle with urges (I do believe that so much of this recovery stuff is about how we THINK....THINKING affects our brain chemistry too), I do not FEEL sick...I do not WANT to gamble...I am every sense of the word.

But I am still an addict.

So what does that mean?

It means that my brain is now conditioned to respond to gambling in a certain way...

It means...I cannot gamble.

That's it.

I can do anything else in the world....

I can swim, skydive, eat a chocolate pie, take a trip, call an old friend, read a book -- I can do ANYTHING I want to....

but I cannot gamble.

or at least....

I cannot gamble without some pretty serious consequences.

I'm ok with that

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