Sunday, January 6, 2008

A subconscious desire to punish myself?

When speaking of some of the characteristics of a person who is a compulsive gambler the g.a. combo book says “Then too, there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves. There is much evidence to support this theory.

I’m pretty sure that’s not true for me.

I would say I’m POSITIVE that isn’t true for me…but there are a number of things that the combo book says that I USED to think did not apply to me….and now…well, that book may be smarter than I sometimes give it credit for.


Do I want to punish myself?

I think that I do NOT…I mean…I do not like negative consequences of any sort…I want pleasure…nothing but pleasure and good times…I run from pain, I hide from punishment… could it possibly be true? That I subconsciously want to punish myself?

See…I have this problem..and I KNOW that it’s related..that it’s addiction-related behavior…but…I put off things until they become a crisis.
I’m not talking about procrastinating. That’s human…most everyone does that.

I mean..I just plain DO NOT DO THINGS until my back is against the wall, the heart is pumping so hard I can almost hear it… I KNOW this is gonna happen…surely, I must know it…yet, I still just don’t do the things that I must.
Let me clarify..I am responsible in the big things… if you need a friend…I’m the one to call…I will drop everything to be with you…I am there for my husband and for my children…I have my priorities in my relationships I am devoted and responsible.

It’s the LITTLE things that I don’t do…until they turn into BIG BIG things.

Odds and ends around the house that require calling a repairman to come out. Appointments (Doctor, Dentist) that are long over due….and I still have not called to set a date. I often pay my bills late, even when I have money in my account to cover them? I prefer not to even open the bills...and often...I do not end up paying them...until I get a phone call regarding it being delinquent......then I pay, without ever having looked at the bill itself...having no idea of what I am paying for. Filling out PAPERWORK..geez..that is the worst…recently…I had a medical bill that was covered by insurance, but I didn’t do the paperwork..every time I would receive a bill, I would put it aside…’s not my responsibility to pay it…insurance would..but I never did submit it to the insurance company…then…I receive a notice from a collection agency…full panic sets in…too much time has passed the insurance company says it’s too late to file..I am freaking out…I have that back against the wall, heart pumping loudly thing going on…I finally got it taken care of..but I put myself through hell first.

I obviously knew, subconsciously, that.. I just wasn’t going to do it until I HAD to….and I guess HAVE to means…until I am freaking out.
I don't ENJOY that feeling! I HATE that feeling!So why on earth would I intentionally (even if it's subconcious) DO THIS??? over and over and over again???

See…I USED to think that I did those things (or didn’t do them) because I am pleasure-seeking and just don’t do things unless I get some sort of immediate gratification from doing it…

But then…I came across a list of features or characteristics of Pathological Gamblers and one of them said ---- Prone to developing other behaviors associated with stress.

I guess this would qualify.

I’m not sure if I’m doing this because on some (subconscious) level the anxiety ‘does something’ for me…or if it’s simply because I put off doing mundane tasks because I just don’t get anything out of doing it (until doing it means the stress ends).

But this is for certain:

I feel happier and more relaxed when I am free of anxiety.
Whether or not I am subconsciously trying to punish myself….taking care of the little things..before they become BIG things…is going to be a necessary part of this recovery....and would be an act of myself.

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right. --
Henry Ford


Anonymous said...

Did you find an answer? I am seeking an answer to that very question. Do I subconsciously cause pain/stress because I somehow like it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah me too...