Another secret

Of course it turned out to be nothing like i imagined.

It's been nearly a year since I've been seeing my therapist...but a few weeks ago I contacted her and made an appt. so glad i did.

i saw her for the second time last tuesday.
the day before i left for the services.

i was such a jumble of feelings....but i had no idea what they were...what i was upset about...i just was.

tried to sort it out for a while....then she said "what can you do to take care of YOU?"

"is there anything that could make this ok?"

and there was...and I knew exactly what it was.

I called my husband...right there...didn't even answer her question.

I asked him to go with me.

I heard it in his voice.
He really couldn't afford to go...just coming back from a business trip...many people out of the office...but he said he'd go.

The old Peg wouldn't have asked.

It wasn't easy for the NEW Peg to ask!

I would like to be self-sufficient...the problem is...I'm not....so when I TRY to be....it may APPEAR that I am...but my insides don't match my outward appearance.

It was a hassle all the way around...cancelled my flight...re-booked with him on another...paying last minute (high) airfare....making arrangements for the kids.

but that was really the easy stuff....it was the family dynamics that weighed on me.

i did fine.
but really....i did fine because he was there.

One of my friends sent me an email that said "You are not alone, you don't have to be. Your 'own' family are with you. They love you... and that's all that really matters."

it's true...and so obvious...why do we need to be reminded of the obvious ?

anyway....that kept things in perspective for me...

but then, on the way home...it was such an emotional day....we were in flight...each having a glass of wine.... and I was thinking about....two years....

thinking that....it's nice to be able to book a flight and not worry that the credit card will be declined because it is past due or over the limit....or even....when i planned to make the trip alone....not to have to stress out over what mail might arrive while I was away and whether or not he'd open it....to not have all of these secrets....

but then...

there ARE still secrets.

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day...saying that...i imagine SOMEday my husband and my children will come across this blog...and read it.

my friend asked if that bothered me...because my date last gambled is here....and my husband doesn't know I've gambled that recently.

I said....i hope that...if he does ever read it...that he will see who i am and how i've grown...and that date will be irrelevant.

but still....it remains a secret.

so we are on the plane...and i am thinking...considering....and i just blurt it out..

"Today marks two years since I have placed a bet of any kind."

"huh? When did you gamble last?"

"Two years ago today."

"On what?"

"A machine."

"You didn't tell me."

"I'm telling you now."

that was basically it.
we started talking about something else.
he doesn't 'get' it...he doesn't realize it was a 'big deal'...or...maybe he does and just doesn't know how to respond?
it doesn't really matter....I've said it before....

it really isn't necessary for him to 'get it'....I have you guys for that.

it feels really good not to hide any more tho.

I never realize how painful secrets are...until I let them go.