Stagnant

Not complacent exactly....as in not 'smug'....I don't walk around thinking I'm ok so I don't need to 'work recovery' anymore...

but I haven't really been doing it.


In talking to a friend...I was reflecting on how, in my early days of recovery I was HUNGRY...for information...for growth....



but recently....'one day at a time' hasn't just been a matter of 'staying in this moment'....it's been just sort of taking things as they come....going with the flow...and that's fine...it's GOOD actually....but...it really isn't good enough.

or....it's not good enough for ME.


I deal with crisis much better when I am learning and growing...REALLY 'working recovery'...


and the fact is


i am gonna have to deal with crisis' again and again and again....and if you continue to breathe for a while, so will you.


it's not just about not gambling...i don't want life to BE this hard.

and...to a large degree...how difficult it is....is based on how I look at things....and when I'm growing...'recovering'....i look at things in a much better way.


besides...I have much more interesting things to talk about here when I'm growing and changing :)

but it's bigger than that..it's bigger than living a life without gambling and learning to accept whatever life throws at me...and having something interesting to share.

it's....about living the best possible life that I can.

and i really haven't been doing that.

I haven't been 'complacent'...but I've been 'content'....my growth has been stagnant....and that's not terrible...it's just not what I want...THIS is not what I want...who I AM is not who I want to keep being.

There is more to life than this...

and I want it.

I deserve to live my best possible life ....each one of us does.

The only way that I am going to live the life that I want to live...

is if I do it.

starting now.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'm reading again...

changing things.