Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Looking for the Lessons

This is not easy to say-and if you are still caught up in the destruction...if you are still in a great deal of pain, you will not understand it....and will maybe even think 'obviously....she was not as bad as me' or perhaps 'her consequences were not as severe as mine are'.

well....I don't know about you...but I was pretty bad..and so was the 'wake' that I left.

I was devastated. done...no way out...wanted to die.

and now...i say...with some hesitation...it is painful to say...because it *WAS* that bad...but I can say...that all of that....happened for a reason...or for many reasons maybe? but...(swallowing hard here)....I am thankful it happened.

I am thankful because I am no longer the woman that I was BEFORE I started gambling.

I am finished with drama.
I don't have to make everything a crisis...and when a REAL crisis occurs (and I am being bombarded with them at the moment)....well

I can deal.

It's not because I'm not gambling, mind you.

although...if i were gambling, i would be a wreck right now.

but...the process that i have gone through....in this effort to stop gambling....this....seeking....that's it...

seeking that i have done...am doing.

has changed me.

oh...i still grieve, i still get angry...i still have fear and i still panick at times.

but

i am ok.

*I* am ok.

and I will get through this.

that thing that was a crisis last month? (and it was a biggie)
history.

and I am ok.

got another catastrophe on my hands (believe me...I am not using these words lightly)...and a part of me just wants to cry...and give up....and not face anything.

but that's not an option.

and i know...that every painful event EVERY one...every SINGLE one....has given me something.

not just 'strength' or 'character'...but...SOMETHING....a new way to see things....a better understanding of other people...a better understanding of myself.

at the moment...i am in turmoil

and at the same time

i am at peace.

i am afraid....and sad...disappointed...'gutted' even.

but I am OK.

accepting the things I cannot change
changing the things I can
taking it one day at a time.

1 comment:

Gerard said...

Dearest Peg,
On my way driving home from work this evening, I was thinking of you. My thoughts turned to the memory of how much you guided me in the early stage of my recovery before my brain was free from the fog. I thought my way was right and everyone else's was wrong. But you helped me to see more clearly. And for that I am forever grateful to you. And then I went to my site and saw that you left a comment and liked the changes. That was such a joy to see. I followed your advice. And also the advice from the others at Gamcare. We have become an interconnected group of well-intentioned people- a community- and we are going to help others as that is the way. God bless you and your family. You're an inspiration and a true friend.