Friday, April 3, 2009

from now on....

My boys' rooms are clean.

They have been bad for a long time.

I don't mean bad.


I've been complaining for a while about the SMELL when I walk down the hallway...ugh

I understand the boys' not cleaning them tho.
The rooms were so was to the point where...even if they WANTED to change it...where to start?
boy, do i know that feeling in my own life.

occasionally they would (at my insistence) clean up somewhat....but when you spend a few hours working...and you can barely tell a's discouraging. (plus...they are easily sidetracked....and might start out with the best of intentions...only to end up playing video games after a short time).


the rooms are clean.

i've had someone coming in to help me clean the last few weeks...and she and i got it done.
well...mostly she did....

a few weeks ago, she cleaned one of their other son was took two visits (plus my working in between her visits) to get HIS done....I told was bad.

but he came home from school yesterday...and wow.

he saw lots of his stuff in the garbage outside...some things he wouldn't have thrown away....but....she found a photograph that is precious to him that he thought was long-lost.

so he said to me "I'm gonna keep it clean from now on".

"good" I said.

I do know how good it feels when your space is clean. I'm sure he means it.

So I asked my husband this morning if he saw the room...."no"....

I told him what a great job she'd done.

"it won't stay that way"

"he says it will....I think he's tired of living like a pig"

"I think it's just like the conversation we had the other day about their school's 'magical thinking'....they get their report cards...they hate their grades and decide 'Im gonna do better this time' but they don't have a PLAN...they don't CHANGE the end result is the same, even tho they have the best of INTENTIONS"

"maybe" I said. "they seem to be really pleased with thier rooms...I think they'll keep them that way".

"I don't think our brains work that way." he said.

"what do you mean?"

"I don't think our brains can be completely different in different parts of our don't think you can keep your room clean yet still keep a junky car.....either you keep your stuff clean or you keep your stuff junky".



makes sense. addiction dr. used to say the same sort of things re. addiction.....that....people who leave treatment centers but continue to smoke return to the addiction for which they've been treated at a much higher rate.....that.....we tend to be much more successful in overcoming addiction if we rid ourselves of ALL addictive behaviours.

and that may be true

but that doesn't mean that it doesnt HAPPEN.

having had that information from my addiction dr., I have tried repeatedly to stop smoking.....and to reign in other behaviours that I think are 'related' to this addictive 'condition'..... I've been more successful in some areas than in others......and the present time....I still smoke....
I am more resolute than ever with regards to gambling.

for me....gambling has had HUGE consequences in my life....and while I would like to stop smoking for many reasons....the truth is...smoking has not (so far) caused me a great deal of grief.

I'd like to stop...because it isn't isn't socially acceptable AND it isn't good for me.

but....when I get anxious or frightened or angry.....I want one....and those consequences seem minor and irrelevant.

but I cannot envision any circumstances where I would consider returning to gambling to be 'minor or irrelevant'....

and the old '$20 won't hurt' just doesn't work for me....I understand what happens to me chemically when i sit at one of those machines....and I know....that losing $20 would NOT make a difference in my life financially....but what would happen to me...inside....while I 'played' that $20 would have lasting repercussions......


i think my brain *IS* working that way...... I'm still engaging in some addictive behaviours....but there is no way in h*ll I'm gonna allow gambling back into my life.

maybe...... a lot of it has to do with how badly we want it....and the more free I become...the more sane I am...the more I really really want my life.

as for their bedrooms'....
we'll see.

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