Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Can I Get Better? II

I was just browsing over some of my old entries in this blog when I came across Can I Get Better?

and I'm remembering....

how it was when I was trying to stop..... I would be determined to quit...I had enough....only to find myself driving to the casino or to some restaurant to play video poker...a day or so later.
then I'd swear I would stop....had to....

it seemed I'd never be able to.....and....on days when I did get through the urges without actually going....I was tortured.
I wanted to go so badly.
Denying myself this was so painful....and I knew that that would never change.
Not being able to gamble was going to be a problem for me, from now on.

and then I found G.A.......
and that sort of reinforced for me, that I was going to suffer forever...

when people said "there is no cure"....what I heard was "I am always going to want to gamble and I am always going to feel this way."

But... I don't and I don't.

I know that I will never be able to gamble like 'normal' people do.
so I gotta stay away.

but today....that isn't a problem for me.

Actually...I find it difficult to believe that I fit gambling into my schedule.

i guess i didn't.
gambling WAS my schedule.
everything else suffered.

Life without gambling is not a bowl of cherries.....there are all sorts of problems and frustrations.
Every person that you know (and every person that you don't know) has them.
but.....now......I know that while *THIS* isn't perfect...it's a helluvalot better than hating myself and feeling like I want to die.

Today, I cannot conceive of a situation that would make me want to gamble.

I imagine it could happen someday....but....not today......

I am better.

I am much better.

I am good.

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