Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Learn like a child

When I first found myself on the internet...researching this gambling addiction...I was a wreck.

at the same time...

I *THOUGHT* hmmmm I thought that I 'got' life.

I was convinced of many things.....and the things that I believed....it was the truth.

I was fairly certain there was no god.

I sort of wanted to believe there was one....it would be convenient to have an imaginary friend who loved me unconditionally and who was always with me....it would appear that people who believe in god have an easier time of it, even if there really is no god....


I felt like life would always be the way it was at that moment....which was terrible.

and that's a strange thing to think....looking back....I mean....nothing ever stays the same....

but it's more than that...it's.....my view of the world....the way I look at everything.

once I started hanging around people in recovery......I heard comments from time to time that would peak my interest....

I remember someone saying "spirituality I like...religion...I don't care for"

I remember someone saying frequently "it's not good, not bad, it just is"

many sayings that I've heard all my life that didn't really make sense to me...I began to understand......

I began learning about forgiveness and anger and resentments
and fear and shame

I couldn't do this by myself.
I wouldn't have known where to begin.
I started spending time (mostly in online chat) with people who had been where I was (stuck in the addiction of compulsive gambling)...who understood the pain and the hopelessness that I was feeling...yet who had somehow come through it....and were better.

I listened and I listened and I listened.

I DID have to learn how to stop gambling...
but even bigger than that...I had to learn some things about LIFE that I hadn't yet discovered...that I likely would never have stumbled upon if I hadn't ended up in 'recovery'..... universal truths.

that it was a 'journey' began to make sense.

that this is my unique journey.....that others may teach and guide me...but ultimately, this journey, this life, is mine.

THAT is what this is about....it's about discovering who we really are.....understanding that our time here is short...and that ultimately, what we do with our time here is very much in our hands....and that how we THINK determines our experience.

i have learned that i must remain open to all possibilities....even the ones that rub me the wrong way or seem incredulous.

the most important thing that I've learned so far is that I really don't know very much after all.

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