Relationships

Not that this has anything to do with gambling addiction, per se'.....

but several months ago we entered into family counselling.

My husband wasn't crazy about the idea of going, but we were fresh out of ideas about what to do with our boys.....and we weren't happy with the way things were going.

The boys HATE it and do not always cooperate as much as I'd like...but they're getting better... (the sooner we get 'fixed'...the sooner we can stop going!)

anyway

the very first visit, we were all very very angry with one another.

things at home were pretty bad and each one of us played a part in that.

before we left that night, each one of us were asked to identify SOMEthing that we could do that would make our family life better.
we did.
we each committed to try to do that thing.

and we did.

for a few days.

then things went right back to the way they were before that meeting.

each of us saw that others were not doing what THEY were supposed to do...so we stopped doing what WE were supposed to do.

so the next week, as we were leaving our meeting, it was suggested that each of us commit to doing our 'thing'...NO MATTER WHAT the others did.

even if no one else did what they were supposed to do...I was going to do MY part to make things better.

and it worked.

and

often...when I am with my individual counsellor and I relay stories of things that have happened around here.....it is obvious that my 'recovery' has affected the entire family...even tho none of them do or even KNOW anything about 'recovery' or the things that I am learning or doing...they don't have to....all I have to do is the things that *I* need to do.....and when *I* change...the people around me do also.

it's slow...gradual changes...

things I don't even really notice (sometimes until my counsellor points them out)....

it reminds me of a book that I read years ago that talked about the 'dance' of relationships....and how each of us has our 'part'...we dance the same dance...the same steps...over and over...but...if one of us suddenly starts changing up the steps...doing it a little differently...our partner has no choice but to react to that...they cannot keep doing the same old dance if we are doing it differently.

it's hard to do that sometimes....to decide to change....maybe...to treat someone better than we think we think they deserve.....it's easier to keep doing the same old thing...and insist that THEY change.....

easier maybe.....but in my house it hasn't proved very successful.

changing the way I think changes my experiences.
changing the way I behave......is changing everything.