Monday, March 2, 2009

Playing 'the game'

I want to talk some more about this.

I struggled with it afterwards.

A lot.

I could go through all of that I would never have played poker, or participated in a football pool, for instance EVEN THOUGH those were not my 'addiction of choice'......and blah blah blah

but that would sound like I'm trying to justify 'bad' behavior.

and that's just it.

it WASN'T bad behavior.
it wasn't a relapse.
it wasn't even a teeny tiny slip.

I was fine...and I knew it.

(although I was very aware that I was walking a thin line there... I am and will always be fragile when it comes to 'winning')...anyway

what I struggled with is...

I know that I did not, in any way, violate my recovery.
But I did violate 'their' rules.

so what to do about my 'last date gambled'?

I mean....

if I were to say that I changed my date to a few months ago, that implies failure.....

and I haven't.
I'm still on track....I did not even have a momentary lapse in judgement.

but if someone asks me 'when did you last gamble?' or 'when did you place your last bet?' that someone would be someone in recovery from gambling addiction....and THEY would mean 'by g.a. definition' if I were to answer 10 30 06...that would be a lie.

I don't lie any more.

But it's more complicated than that.

I already had two dates.

I freed myself from my addiction on 10-30-06...that was the last day I placed a bet...but I did not attend a g.a. meeting after that until 11-09-06.

G.A. requires that you use the date of your first meeting after gambling as your 'clean date'.

so...when I attended g.a. I used 11-09-06 as my date....knowing full well, that my REAL date was 10 30 06....and THAT is the date I used everywhere else.

10 30 06 is STILL my REAL 'clean' date...although....if and when I attend another g.a. meeting, I will have to change my date to whenever that is....

when I talked this through with my therapist, she smiled and said "your recovery has never been stronger."

and she's right.
and I know that.

My 'clean' date remains 10 30 06 for I have been 'sober' and 'free' from my addiction since that time.

If there WAS any bad judgement the night I decided to play that was only that I didn't realize how important my clean date was to me....but given the situation...I am pretty sure I would've done it anyway....thinking....the 'date' is not REALLY's my living my life....and that I'd deal with whatever hangups I had about my date later on.

so I am. :)

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