Clean Dates

Was talking to a friend in recovery the other day about clean dates.

My clean date has meant different things to me at different times.

The first time that I stopped gambling….I really wanted an ‘old’ date…I’d attend g.a. meetings and there were people who had YEARS and YEARS of clean time…that amazed me…

Every DAY was a struggle for me…and I was certain that I would always struggle……. Struggle or gamble…but…I would never be ‘OK’ with not gambling…I would never be HAPPY not to gamble…that thought was ridiculous.

So those people with many many years of clean time were…well…that would never be me.

But…there were people with 6 months..or a year or two…and as the days and months began to pass…THAT sort of seemed do-able.

I wanted to be that. I wanted to say my clean date…and it NOT be yesterday or last week…or even last month…I wanted it to be old.

Whatever works.

And that DID work for me.

The first time I stopped gambling.

I have a friend in recovery who says “Take what you need and think about the rest.”

He says ‘think about’ as opposed to ‘leave’ because…sometimes..we hear things…and decide that’s not for us…it’s not something we need to do for our recovery…it won’t help us…

And…maybe we’re RIGHT when we think that.

But…that doesn’t mean that we will NEVER need it…or that the knowledge will NEVER be useful…so…I’ve found it’s important to LISTEN…and to stay OPEN MINDED…so that I can learn.

That’s not always easy for me…I’m a pretty stubborn girl.

But…this time…I didn’t really care so much about my clean date at all….I didn’t count days….and I have come to realize that some people…even with very old clean dates…well…I don’t want what they have….and I see people with ‘newer’ dates…that DO have something I want. Our clean dates are not a measure of how ‘good’ we are doing…or how ‘recovered’ we are.

Soooooo

Wanting to ‘keep’ my date is NOT going to be a deterrent to gambling for me this time….This time, many things are different…

But…I still celebrate my last date gambled….not in the way that I did the LAST time…it is not a badge of honor…or a measure of anything at all…

But…

It is an important day in the same way that my wedding anniversary is an important day.

It marks a date in my life when things changed…a new beginning.

Each year, I acknowledge my wedding anniversary…I rejoice in the fact that I made this change….that I have my husband and my children….I celebrate my ‘clean date’ in the same way.

I have no idea how many days I’ve been married…I just go about my life…I don’t count my days in recovery either…

I just live them.

This is just what works for me (today).
Find what works for you…..
And do it….
If it’s not working for you….
Change it.