Maybe it will just go away....

I was married at 18 yrs of age.
I knew it was a mistake even before I said ‘I do’…but..there seemed to be no way out.

Like most things in my life…it wasn’t a conscious, well planned DECISION…it was the next step on the path I was on…and I just kept walking without much thought to anything other than that moment.

Focusing on the present is important….but…it’s necessary to take into account how our actions in the present will affect our future.

ANYWAYyyyyy

So I married a man I wasn’t in love with…he was a great guy…we just did not belong married to one another.

I knew that I wouldn’t be married to him forever.

I knew that I wouldn’t be married for more than a year or so…but it was very difficult to leave…for many reasons.

So I stayed.

I was miserable.
I made us BOTH miserable…
I wanted out so badly….but I stayed…
I wanted HIM to leave…so I made him miserable…
he didn’t leave…and still,
I stayed.

One day…with our five year anniversary approaching, it suddenly hit me.

Five years.

I had been there….doing this…being unhappy….for FIVE YEARS…KNOWING full well that I didn’t belong there and that I WOULD leave (one day).

I never DREAMED it would have gone on for five years.

Yet…there I was…..and I suddenly knew that…ONE day…SOME day….would only happen if *I* MADE it happen…there *IS* no SOME day…there is only NOW…and if I didn’t leave…then….our ten year anniversary would come and go…then twenty….fifty…and we would have lived our whole lives…both of us…unhappily married….knowing all along that we didn’t belong there….and only because….it was too hard…too HARD to do what needed to be done.

I was waiting for someone else (him) to do it for me…I was waiting for my problem to be fixed…my unhappiness to just ‘go away’….when I realized…..if it hadn’t happened by then…it likely wouldn’t…and….

EVEN IF IT DID…even if it WOULD’ve happened eventually….

Why….would I spend one more day there than I already had…
because it was HARD????

Yes….leaving….was hard…but STAYING was hard too.

Funny….I finally understood this….and took steps…but

The lesson did not transfer to other parts of my life….

Those exercises that I will start doing….eventually….so that I can have that awesome bod ONE day……..
the GAMBLING….knowing that the hole was getting deeper…everything was getting worse..daily….and that I would have to take steps….ONE day…

Well…it stops here.

Nobody else is going to fix my life….or make me happy….and even if they do….can I count on them to ALWAYS do it???

Whatever is wrong…ANYTIME something is wrong….*I* need to take steps….or not….and if I decide not to….I must be willing to accept the consequences.

*I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LIFE*

What shall I do with this day?