Listen with an Open Mind

Soooo

There are several posts now that deal with…how to stop….I more or less say the same thing each time…maybe with a slightly different perspective…having gained new knowledge or insight…sometimes, maybe…just saying the same thing in a different way.

When I first started hanging around people in recovery….there were a few concepts or terms that were often mentioned….like….service, spiritual, meditation, ego, pride, humility, acceptance, and of course, one day at a time ...there's more...that's just off the top of my head :)

That ego thing….I just didn’t get that for a long time…and then, one day (very very recently) the lights went on….an aha! Moment….

Usually, when I hear people refer to the ego they say it in sort of a negative way…as if not having an ego was desirous.

That confused the hell out of me…I mean…a healthy ego is good, right? Feeling good about one’s self…a good self-esteem….It has been one of my priorities in mothering my children…to build their self-esteem.

NOW I get it….(although...I still don't see the ego in a negative light...?? maybe I just don't 'get it' enough?) LOL

anyway....now, it makes sense…perfect sense…but…I had to keep hearing it….worded differently maybe….and…at different times….maybe a lot of it has to do with not being ready (ah yes…another one that comes up repeatedly)…I mean….you can’t take a kid who’s never learned addition or subtraction or multiplication…and expect him to understand division??

Soooooo I just had to listen, ask questions.…think about the things I was hearing and reading…..and…continue to be AWARE of myself….and even THAT confused the h*ll out of me!!! How am I supposed to observe myself? Huh?

But sloooooowwwwllly….I understood….not just THINKING my thoughts….but LISTENING to what I was thinking….who is the thinker? Is that my gambling voice? My wise self? Oh no!!! are there other voices in there????....being Aware of my thoughts….and of my emotions….not trying to CHANGE anything really….just becoming conscious of it….

It is so so so important to remain open-minded….I remember the first time I was in chat with someone who was touting the benefits of meditation for a compulsive gambling problem…I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard! Meditation! Isn’t that for hippies??

In hindsight, I’m sure I made an ass of myself that night.

So now…when someone says something that sounds foreign to me…or I have no experience with…even if it sounds CRAZY to me…I listen….and tuck that away…and perhaps….someday…something will ‘click’…

Who knows?

What I WAS doing wasn't working...and....I got to the point where I didn't want to live......what did I have to lose?