Out of the Madness

I have this document on my p.c. that is named ‘blog on this’.

I sometimes jot down one or two words…some topic that I’ve been pondering…and sometimes I sit down and REALLY begin writing.

Sometimes, after I write out a piece, I think “I can’t post that.” (fear?) because thoughts and emotions are difficult things to TALK about…not just for the OBVIOUS reasons…but sometimes…the posts end up sounding really crazy...talking about the different voices in my head…of course…if you’re reading this…you likely have at least two….the ‘gambler voice’ that starts justifying and rationalizing and tells you that you don’t want to stop…. Or that it isn’t POSSIBLE to stop……that stuff….and the ‘wise voice’ that remained sane through all of this…silent, but sane…..evn in the cycle….every once in a while that ‘wise voice’ is in charge of our thoughts…that’s what I call a ‘moment of clarity’….If you are a compulsive gambler who is still in the cycle…the fact that you are reading this blog says that you are probably having a ‘moment of clarity’ right now.

ANYWAY…I’m reading this book, entitled ‘A New Earth: Awakening to your life’s purpose’ by Eckhart Tolle….I told a story from the book here….

I am reading a few minutes ago when he starts talking about feeling fragmented.

Well…….I blogged on that yesterday…it’s MY word…fragmented….and….it was going to be a post…except…I just started blabbering and talking about things that weren’t important (that’s another reason a blog may die in this document)…

Anyway…the synchronicity thing, you know….I figured….I’d come back to this post….back to fragmented…

Fragmented

I hear people say that addicts have a low self-esteem….also…that we had difficult childhoods.

There are many many traits that seem to be common amongst compulsive gamblers, or among addicts, in general…but…not all of us have ALL of the traits….likely…NONE of us have ALL of the traits that are ‘common’ amongst us.

I have a pretty healthy self-esteem…I do sometimes feel insecure….and my self-esteem seems to fluctuate somewhat…but, generally speaking…my self-esteem is high…I feel confident and loved…and worthy…I feel ‘good enough’…

But sometimes…I feel…what I have come to call ‘fragmented’.

It is difficult to describe a feeling….but I imagine…if you have FELT this way…you know what I mean….fragmented…as opposed to feeling whole.

I read somewhere…that ….our feelings are one of our senses.

sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch help us to know what’s going on in our world….

Our FEELINGS help us to know what’s going on with our SOUL. It’s when we’re not in balance, sort of.

* * * * * *
That’s where my post got lost…started talking about what makes me feel fragmented as opposed to feeling whole…and…now I can see…that isn’t what this is supposed to be about…it’s about...

OK, we gambled.
Yes, it was terrible.
We did some bad things.
Maybe we ruined our lives.
Maybe we ruined other people’s lives too.
Maybe we will never be able to fix some of the problems that we’ve created.
OK.
I get it.
You’re not the only one….and I get it.
Yes, it happened.

So
Now
Are we going to keep telling this story?
Are we going to keep LIVING this???

Or
Are we going to step out of the madness…
NOT just for a moment……
Are we going to have this ‘moment of clarity’ and hold on tightly to it…keep reading…keep reaching…find others that can help us out of the abyss…out of the madness…

And Live our lives.