I don't gamble....

when i was new to recovery...i didn't know ANYTHING.

until i found ga, i thought i was the only one 'like this'.

then i soaked up everything i could learn.

and it became what i believed.

when people would say things to me that were in opposition to my beliefs at the time, I defended what I believed strongly.

for a while.

with time (and the blessing of the internet)...I was exposed to many people...different types of people with different types of recoveries..different thoughts and beliefs....and my own ideas about life, addiction and recovery continue to evolve.

i sometimes cringe about how closed-minded i once was.

anyway.....this line of thinking has occurred to me in the past...and i may have blogged on the idea long ago, i don't know.....

but the evolution continues:

My husband and I went out to dinner last night with some old friends...a few couples....co-workers of mine from years ago.

after dinner we went to a local bar...one of the guys starts telling me that he recently made a big win playing video poker there....of course...I was gambling all those years ago....

I said "I don't gamble any more".

he said "oh yeah, I know...I have to watch myself too"

I said..."no...I don't gamble anymore...ever....at all"

we spoke of it for a few more minutes then began talking about something else...

but it made me think about calling myself a 'compulsive gambler'

I mean....if I gamble, that will be an apt title...

but...I'm addicted to nicotine.

I stopped smoking for 7 years....then...when my mother was dying....I was with a family member who was smoking...I bummed one....and I haven't stopped....13 years later.

so I'm addicted to nicotine
i will always be addicted to nicotine...
no matter how long i stop smoking...when i stop smoking....i am always at risk of returning to the addictive behavior.

i have a friend who smokes maybe three or four times a year.
i can't do that.
i'm the all or nothing girl.

but

when I wasn't smoking...those seven years....what would I call myself?

I called myself a non-smoker.

i was still an addict but i didn't differentiate myself from anyone else who did not smoke.

I've called myself a 'compulsive gambler' for a long time.
it's true.
I was.
and if i ever gamble again....i will, once again, be a compulsive gambler.

and I don't have a problem with anyone else....doing it their own way

but the truth is.... today....i am not a compulsive gambler.
i take great pains....not to gamble at all...ever....for anything.

I am a non-gambler.

Moving on...

I've started packing boxes.

The majority of our things will be moved over a 7 day period or so...beginning one week from today.

I'm pretty excited....for lots of reasons....

I'll have a whole new life.

I've had several already....completely different lives.....

as a child with my family.....

after my parent's divorce.....

married right out of high school.....

moving away....for two years.....

coming home.....divorcing.....starting over

marrying.....children...


yeah....each one of those 'eras' in my life look totally different.... but...there ARE some constants in there.... of course *I* am the biggest one LOL....but there are other things....family....friends......some personal belongings get carried from one era to the next....but for the most part.....each of these lives has been significantly different from ny of the others I have changed quite a bit....each one of those 'lives' contributing to who I am....

I'm still me...but I'm a different me, for certain.

So a new one is beginning.......

this is the first time that I've been consciously aware of the POSSIBILITY that is before me...as I make a fresh start.

I mean...when I got married (or divorced, or moved away) I knew that things would be different.....

I just didn't take complete responsibilty for DECIDING what the differences would be...and making it happen.

for defining my life.

I guess....mostly....things have just 'happened'...and I let them.

oh...I've had goals....some I've met...some I've lost interest in...and I always knew that the possibilities for my life were endless (my mom told me that I could be anything I wanted...and I believed her...AND...she was right!).... I just never decided what the heck I wanted to be...or do.

some of my 'transitions' into the next 'life' was not of my doing (like my parent's divorce).....it wasn't my choice to make that change.....but....even when our circumstances are not within our power to change.....there are choices within that.

I guess...not making a choice really is a choice, huh?
choosing to do nothing.

Within a few years both kids will be gone (I think???) and I will have more freedom...more choices.

There are lots of things I want to do in this next life...things I want to learn.....but I think.....for a while....I just want to slow down....and spend some time with me....then make a plan.

shedding a few pounds

A few months ago I decided to give myself a gift.

It's been five years since we lost the baby and I haven't lost the weight.
I just couldn't.

not that I couldn't LOSE it.
I couldn't even TRY.

putting forth the effort to lose it...well...first I had to acknowledge that it was there.
and i didn't want to think about it.....not the weight...but the baby.

Funny...I really don't SEE it.
I look in the mirror...and I see the 'skinny' me.
not really sure if that's a blessing or not.

but in photos....it cannot be denied.

and I guess....due to age....metabolism changing....I'd begun to put on even more.

until one day i decided that enough is enough.

I googled 'weight watchers' and attended my first (and only) meeting a few months ago.

it was great.

the meeting.

some of things that i heard were familiar to me:

'read the material!'
'keep coming back'
'nothing changes if nothing changes'

and THAT is the bottom line, isn't it?

it's not just gambling, it's not just weight loss....in every part of life....if there is no change...well...there is no change.

they talked about how important AWARENESS is.....but they were mostly talking about staying aware of how you feel regarding hunger.

I became aware of other things.....

I discovered that...when I look at a menu, the only thing on my mind is "what is the most delicious thing here?"

and that i often put food into my mouth without giving it any thought at all.

that EVERY meal I eat doesn't have to be the BEST meal I've ever had!

the point system really works for me (I'm a plan girl...gimme a set of instructions and I can follow them!)...because there's NOTHING that I simply CANNOT have.....I can have a little bit of anything I want...and still be successful.

so I'm five pounds more than I was when I got married (nearly 19 years ago).
10 pounds more than I weighed in high school (over 25 years ago)...ugh

I'm never gonna have my 20 year old body back....but already there is a difference...not just in my body...but in ME.

I mean...the way I FEEL about me.

You know...that feeling you have when everything you're wearing is new? not a stiff...i hate these clothes new.....but...this is the coolest outfit I've ever had kinda new?

I attended a birthday lunch for a friend last Friday...and the card I gave her wished her a 'wind in your hair, full tank of gas, favorite song on the radio kind of day'.

THAT's what I'm talking about :)

The 'wanting'

Coming up on three years free of the cycle.

the cycle of waking up every morning plotting....where can I get money and/or how can I get away?

then gambling until time and/or money ran out......

then covering my tracks....

then begin plotting anew.

it really does sound crazy now...three years out.

but when i was in it.....it seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.

how on earth could life be any different?
or
why would I WANT it to be?

you know....

anyway....nearly three years.

I'll be out of town.

Last year...on my two year 'anniversary' I was on the West coast for a funeral.

This year....East coast for a wedding.


Travelling is very different for me...

when i was in action....there was a lot to worry about when i went out of town.

what mail would come...and who might see it?
and also....how to handle any payday loans that might be coming due.

how sad...that during times when I should have been relaxed...enjoying myself...I was full of anxiety that my whole world would come crashing down at any time.

So a friend was asking me....do I still have the 'want'.


The short answer is no.
It is the rare occasion that a thought to actually gamble crosses my mind.
and when it does...it is a thought....not 'wanting'.

I don't demonize it.
I'm not angry at the industry....
nor do I fear it....
and reading notes from people who come across this blog.....or posts on safe harbor and gamcare (I think) is what keeps me from glamorizing it....

I know that if i were to sit at a machine --- (I sort of envision myself sitting at a stool....and sighing.....relief......an old friend...) it would 'feel good'.

but that knowledge doesn't bring on the 'wanting'.

but I'm cautious---
I know that if and when the 'wanting' ever does re-surface....it can be powerful.
I know that certain things can bring about the 'wanting'......
being around gambling may or may not do it
listening to stories (let me tell you about this new machine...or i won blah blah blah) may or may not do it.
sometimes...just being stressed out or depressed can bring it on.

but the longer I go without gambling...the less often I experience any feelings of 'wanting'....and it is not REALLY a 'wanting'....not in the same way that it was three years ago....not at all.

and so far....when the 'wanting' has come....and I imagine myself sighing as I sit on that stool....
i know that the relief and the 'feel good' that I would have would also be accompanied by other things.....anxiety, shame.....and the inablity to stop.....and the 'wanting' would be back. full on.

so...day to day....I am just living my life...without any urges or want or even thoughts of gambling.

there was a time I couldn't stop for three days...
couldn't imagine being able to do without it for three months....
I'm doing it....one day at a time.

Life is friggin' hard.

People get sick, people die, they disappoint us in many ways.
that stinks.

I remember when I was trying to stop gambling....in those days...most all of my problems revolved around gambling (or...those were the only problems that I was keenly aware of).

It seemed like...if I could just STOP...
things would be better...life would be easy.

Well....I DID stop...and things ARE better....but life is STILL not easy.

is it supposed to be? lol

when I first arrived at safe harbor I had no belief in God...and I wavered between being envious of those of you who did....or being irritated with you.....and feeling sorry for you.

I have learned that there is a difference between religion and spirituality....and in learning that...found the freedom to believe MY way.

we often refer to 'recovery' as a journey.....and it is....but it's a small portion of the BIGGER journey I am on....this life.

I believe I am (we are all) here for a purpose.....and the purpose is to take the journey

So even when it's hard...even when I think I just can't take any more....I just keep putting one foot in front of the other...and try to do the next right thing.....

It isn't always easy (like lately)....but I'm grateful that I'm HERE (ie not gambling)...so I'm physically and emotionally able to do what needs to be done....and to be here with/for other family members who are struggling (with life being hard).

Yeah....life is hard.....but the one thing I know for sure is....gambling would not...could not POSSIBLY make it better.

My kids - Attention Deficit - Addiction - Medication

Geez...last post was August 17?

Time flies whether you're having fun or not :)

I have got soooooooooo much to talk about....I don't even know where to begin....

Yesterday......

geez....

both of my boys take medication for attention deficit disorder..but my oldest son, who is now 17, recently went to a new dr. this dr is to help him 'transition into adulthood'...understand their medications and take responsibility for them. (I'm trying to get him to do this with asthma medication too....he'll be living away from home next year!).

so the first time he saw this new dr. was just over a month ago when I was out of town.

when i returned home, his little container with daily doses of medication was sitting where i left it...and full of his meds.

i said..."YOU HAVEN"T BEEN TAKING YOUR MEDS??????"
he said "my new doctor told me I didn't have to"

i was pissed.
also....he said, he was supposed to go back the following day (a week after his first visit).

his first visit cost $200!
the second would be another $200!
in one week!
plus my OTHER son had an appointment with HIS dr (at the same place)..and THAT would be another $200.
AND SHE TOOK HIM OFF OF HIS MEDS!!!!!

I told him to come home after school...he wouldn't be going to that appt.

so i called her...she said that HE said that he wasn't taking it EVERY day anyway.

-true...during the summer we are not as organized as we are during the school year...not much of a routine around here....and he sleeps at friends' houses often...or wakes up after I'm gone to work...so he misses it...but once SCHOOL starts and we are back in our daily routine (he met with her just after school began...after a long period of non-consistency).

so she said that it's important for him to BELIEVE thta he NEEDS his medicine (which he does not...and he hates to take it....thinks it doesn't 'do anything' anyway). so....she figured...if he didn't take it for a while, he would see a difference...in his grades, in his relationships, etc. and then would be WILLING to get back on it (and know that he needed it).

-well...that's a nice idea...and I've done it half a dozen times since he's been in the 2nd grade (because we have fought that battle all of this time)...but I KNOW what will happen....and this is his SENIOR year...and he cannot AFFORD to do this....grades, etc.

I was pissed.

I told her that I would send my son back...because he LIKED her (not something he's ever said about other docs)....but not now.....I'd call soon.

So I sat down with him and told him some of the things that he should 'watch' for...and if these things became problems he needed to understand that medication (or lack of) was responsible...
things like...forgetting things...
organization might be worse...
ability to pay attention...
he might be more irritable...not get along with his girlfriend...

--he is rolling his eyes the entire time I am talking...and when I mention irritability, he snaps at me "I am NOT gonna take medicine so that my relationships are better! that's ridiculous!"

then....on occasion....when I would see things...or think about things that might be medication related, I'd mention it.

and he'd ignore me :)

one morning as I was driving to work...it suddenly occured to me that the new dr. OBVIOUSLY did not check with the old dr. because the old dr. would have a FIT if he knew this kid was DRIVING without his meds....

made a mental note to mention that to him.

but a few hours later I got a call that he rear-ended someone.

sigh....

"but it has NOTHING to do with medicine Mom!"

well........

he texted me from school yesterday morning...stating that he is REALLY having trouble at school due to not taking his meds....also...he is 'pissed off' all the time....and he was having a rough day and knew that he was going to end up getting into trouble if he didn't go home....could he leave if he promised to start taking his medication again?

well....

his younger brother has been having problems as well....he's had a few incidents at school....he is unable to control his anger...and he was having an incident yesterday morning too.....

and I'm sure I blogged last year when my husband and I went to Idaho and I forgot my meds at home...after two days I was getting MEAN.
nothing was wrong....I was happy....doing 'fun' things...with good friends...and my husband...I wasn't MAD about anything or AT anyone...but I was feeling MEAN.
I KNEW it was because I didn't have my medication....I knew there was nothing to be mad about....I knew it was chemical...but that did not change the way I felt...there was nothing I could DO about it.

so without my meds, I'm mean......oldest son too....so maybe younger sons meds need to be adjusted (that appt has been scheduled....but the evidence was building in MY mind that that is the problem).

anyway...because of younger sons' recent outbursts....in an effort to try to help my (normal) husband understand this....I sent him an email that used a few quotes from Dr. Wetsman's book Q&A about addiction.

my boys are not addicts.
or at least...they are not addicted to a drug (or behavior) just yet....

but ALL OF THIS.....is related.....

so when both boys got home, I decided to read this to them (they are rolling their eyes...this is about addiction...not A.D.D).

here's what I shared with them:

“For normal people, normal levels of dopamine release provide normal levels of pleasure and reward. But some people don’t have normal levels of dopamine and so normal activities don’t lead to normal reward. They need bigger stimulation to feel what other people feel normally.”

“So let’s imagine what it would be like without enough dopamine in the system. Little things would not excite us or matter to us. We would have difficulty paying attention and remembering things because those actions require dopamine. Normal pleasures would give us nothing at all, and we’d look around at other people enjoying themselves and wonder what is wrong with us. We’d feel alone and pretty much less than others. Because nothing much was rewarding, there would not be much reason to get up off the sofa. Ife we were born this way, we’d have no way to identify it as an illness because we’ve never known anything else. Just as sight for someone born blind would just be something other people could do, so would enjoying little things be for us. Until of course we found a drug that raised our dopamine and made us feel pretty good. With the higher dopamine level we could feel comfortable and relaxed. We could enjoy little things; we could feel a part of the world. It would be like a congenitally blind person suddenly able to see. What percentage of them do you think would be satisfied with their new found sight going away after a few minutes and then being told they could never have it again? Well, that’s about the percentage of addicts who would be satisfied to just stop using and go back to the way they’ve felt all their lives.”

“Addiction isn’t using drugs; it’s what it feels like to the addict to live without using drugs. The symptoms are what people with addiction feel when they aren’t using, not what happens when they do.”


He is talking about the fact that all humans make less dopamine as they age (which is why we have grumpy old men)….it also means…that addiction gets worse with time…

“You’re probably thinking this is hopeless, aren’t you?”

“I don’t think it is. We know we can raise dopamine receptor levels by changing behavior and thinking (as in recovery), and we can raise levels of dopamine and serotonin with medications.”


While I am reading this, my oldest son is sitting...wide-eyed "WOW" he said.

"that is my life."


Yesterday was a tough day at my house....younger son got into some trouble...he is just unable to control his anger (impulse control).....but it was a blessing really....this is important.....and maybe understanding what addiction is...and how their brains work....no way I would have gotten both of them to listen....ANY other way.

Maybe....if I knew all of this about my brain..and how addiction works....when I began gambling I would think "geez....it's pretty scary what that does to me"....and I would have been careful...instead of this thing just slowly taking hold without my even knowing.

"I know..." I said to him... then I said...."you haven't been taking your meds and you are pissed off all of the time" then I told them my Idaho story (which ended with me calling a girlfriend...who came to my house and found my meds and overnighted them to me).... so I say to my younger son "so I am trying to get the doctor to see us TODAY....I think we have got to assume that your medication needs to be looked at."

"ummmm.....I haven't been taking my medicine for over a month."

"WHAT?"

"I didn't think it was doing anything!!!!"

sigh


Yeah...yesterday was a hard day.
But it's also possible that yesterday saved their lives.
or at least....gives them a fighting chance at overcoming addiction.....without going thru the hell of 'hitting bottom'.

just keep swimming

I tossed an turned for hours Wednesday night.

I hate when other people have to suffer for my mistakes....and also...

I think.....one of the reasons I have a hard time accepting the things I cannot change is because I keep thinking maybe I *CAN* change things....maybe I've missed something...what can I do? what can I do?

Turns out, I *WAS* able to do something.

I thought of a few stores to call....one of them opened at 9:30....we were there waiting when they did.

most of the uniforms were gone, but I was able to get one pair of paints for each boy and a pair of shoes for my older (bigger) son.

we arrived at school late.....stuffed the toes with paper....got through the inspection.

this morning school starts.
they are gone.
the house is quiet.
for the first time in months I am alone in a quiet house.

I've done a lot of thinking about what happened last week...

about....how much it felt like my days in 'action'....

when I'd gamble all day instead of doing the things I should've been doing...then I'd be scrambling to straighten up the house and throw a meal together....or whatever it was I should've been doing when I was gambling instead.

but it's more than that....

a good friend, who's known me all of my life, would tell you that I'm always last minute.

and while that's true.....I *AM* always scrambling at the last minute to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to have done....

it's not (usually) because I'm lazy and I just put things off.
although that does sometimes happen.
it's USUALLY because I have so much going on...I just don't have the time to address things until they are pressing matters.

I've talked about this before...about....how it FEELS like these things are REQUIREMENTS...all of these things I've gotta do....
and at this point, they are....because I've committed to doing them...
but how did this happen?

everyone doesn't live like this...with more things to do than hours in the day..EVERY day.

some people are actually BORED sometimes.
what I wouldn't give for a little of that!!!

I THINK that....
I THINK that I hate living this way....

but it is a choice, isn't it?
if it's not the way I want my life to be....then why is this the life I've created for myself?

the BIGGER...more IMPORTANT question is....
what can I do to change it?

like I said....what's happening in my life today....my responsibilities...are the result of previous days' commitments.

i can't undo that.

but....

I can refrain from making ADDITIONAL commitments today....at least...any unnecessary ones.

It will be a gift to myself--- today....I will not add anything to my to do list if there is any way that ANY one else can accomplish the task.
I will not make any appointments until...

well..that's a whole other issue...
appointments

i have a few conditions that I really need to see a dr. about.

those are things that i SHOULD be committing to...those are things that NO ONE else can do but me!!!

but not today....I've put that off for this long....I can put it off a bit more...

I know that this...all of this...is a symptom of my 'illness'...of whatever it is in my brain that makes me succeptible to addictive behaviors....it's all related...

and I know what I need to do....to change my life.....

i need to make whatever small changes I can make today.....to move me in the direction that I want to be...

I need a plan...a list....

and I need a little quiet time, every day, for me....just to BE.

and until I get where I want to be....I'll just keep trying to keep my head above water.... I'll just keep swimming....one day at a time...

the way i roll

It's been a while.

I've started to write a few times...then scrapped it.

From the outside my life looks awesome.....and I *KNOW* what real problems are....to be seriously ill...for people you love to be ill...or dying...
yeah...that's REAL problems...the stuff we have absolutely NO control over.

but...
sometimes...when I'm freaking out over something that I know isn't a REAL problem....and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't a REAL problem....
well
it still seems like a pretty big deal.

like tonight :(

and the position that I'm in right now....I've been here a thousand times before...and no doubt, I will do this again...because it is what I do....as the kids say "it's the way I roll".

but it's a hard way to live.

so we're building a new home...my husband and I.

it takes up a lot of my time.
it's an hour away...so anytime that I have to be on-site, it takes up a good part of my day.
and i have to be there a lot.
and I'm working....
and I have this house to take care of
and laundry
and cooking
and taking care of two teenage boys
plus all of the other stuff that comes up.

i'm not very organized.
i try.
it drives me crazy that I'm not
but i just can't seem to get it together.

and on occasion...when my life slows down...i DO get it together....
but it doesn't last.

so anyway....I've been really busy...
then...my mother in law took all of 'her girls' on an all-expense paid trip to London and Paris for 8 days.

poor me, right?

then I'm home for three days...then we leave on a family vacation to the beach (extended family...all of the in-laws)...great time

and now i'm playing catch up.

i feel like everyone needs something (ten things) from me...and I'm trying like hell to keep my head above water...

and I was
or i thought I was
until tonight.

my boys have orientation tomorrow morning. 9:30 am
school starts Monday.

I just sat down a few hours ago (10:00 pm) to fill out their paperwork when I read that they must show up in FULL UNIFORM.

huh?

did they do that last year?

so I'm scrambling.

nothing fits...and even if it did, it's all tattered...and they will have 'uniform inspections' when they get to school.

i DID have the good sense to send them for haircuts today...but geez....

so the uniform shops don't open until 10:00.
half hour after they're required to be there.

last week, hours after picking up my car from the repair shop (from a huge limb that fell on the hood during a rainstorm)...a rock hit my windshield and it's got a huge crack across it....that happened about 30 minutes after i dropped (and completely busted) my cell phone....and my washing machine died that same morning.

later that evening I learn that my niece has been diagnosed with swine flu (she's OK)...and since we've all been vacationing together...we are all at risk and the four of us are now taking tamiflu (at $91 each!!)

i just feel like i don't have anything left...no money...no time....no energy.

ok-
now you see why i've more or less abandoned the blog....

i'm overwhelmed...exhausted...not doing anything very well...so frustrated....but when I sit to write it ....it sounds sooooo

ummmmm
sounds....i dunno....irrelevant?

i mean....
my niece is gonna be ok
I know what it's like to NEED something and not have the money...
and we DID have the money to pay for the tamiflu (and the washing machine, and a new cell phone)
and so far, we haven't become ill...
our bellies are full
got a roof over our heads (and soon will have a new one)
and as my friend gams would say...
no blood on the floor
no dead bodies...
police are not here....

i know, i know
but right now my insides are doing what my OUTSIDES have been doing--
racing.

I need a break
but i know it's not coming any time soon.

and as nice as it was to go on those trips....and it WAS nice....right now...it causes more of a hardship than it is a luxury.

maybe the flu would be a blessing
a few days in bed
and
an excuse for not getting everything done.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do in the morning (ummm...in a few hours!) but I guess I'll get to bed....I'll toss and turn even tho I'm COMPLETELY exhausted....

there's no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon.

feeling so tired
and so incompetent.

.........accept the things I cannot change.......

The Chicken or the Egg

a while back we started family therapy...in the beginning my two teenaged boys were uncooperative..and they're still not crazy about having to go...but things have gotten so much better between the four of us that we've tapered off the frequency of the meetings....going every three weeks rather than every week.

the last couple of times we've gone...the meetings went very well.... as a matter of fact, we don't even look like the same family that we were six months ago....the change in all of us is dramatic.

so that's what we talked about this week....
how did this change happen?

how did we go from that terrible state.....to where we are now....laughing together...spending time together...even LIKING each other (most of the time).

My oldest son said.... that the boys weren't getting into trouble any more....BUT....THAT was because we (my husband and I) are not acting like jerks.

and I'm thinking to myself....well WE are not acting like jerks (punishing them....restricting their activites....always 'fussing' about things they do) BECAUSE they are not getting into trouble.

that was our 'dance'....

someone had to change their behavior REGARDLESS of what the others were doing.

I said.....that those weekly sessions are what made it possible.

I recalled the first night that we went ...we were one unhappy...very angry group of people.

when we were leaving...the counsellor asked us to each identify ONE thing that we could do that could make our family life better....and we did.

and we each did those things...for a few days.....then went back to our old patterns of behavior (as soon as one of us saw another not doing what THEY said they were gonna do...we stopped doing what WE were gonna do).

that happened for a few weeks....the days following our sessions would be pretty good...then we would revert back to the old way.

after a few sessions I mentioned that.

so when we left THAT night...the counsellor asked each one of us to continue doing OUR thing NO MATTER WHAT...even if no one else in the family did THIER thing....we should each do ours.

it's not always easy....and even after all of these months...we sometimes revert back to our old 'dance'....

so that is what our sessions will be about for a while....because we will go thru difficult times again (all families do).....but if we can identify those old patterns of behavior when they pop up....and take steps (which we will be discussing in the upcoming weeks/months)...to get back on track....we won't ever have to do that OLD 'dance' again.

so my son said....that things were better because WE stopped acting like jerks first "It was good that ya'll did that" he said (because they never would have...first).

It all boils down to "Would you rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?"

The old peg had to be right.
Rub your nose in it, right.

today.....well...I'll take Happy any old day.

It's the little things.....

Many years ago I read a self help book that talked about priorities....

it asked the reader to list all of their 'roles' (mother, sister, wife, employee)
then....to grade yourself on each of them...how well do you think you're doing in that particular role.

then....
it asked to rate each one with it's level of importance....most important (to you)...#1, next important #2, and so on.

Mine were a little shocking.
I mean...I shouldn't have really been surprised...but there it was, in black and white.

I was working many many hours in those days....at the top of my career.

I had two young children at home.....
and my mom was dying....

when I was grading myself.....the amount of TIME I dedicated to each of my roles was clearly a factor in how well I thought I was doing.

I graded myself, that particular day, very highly as an employee...a career-woman

but....that was not my top priority.

the book went on to talk about HOW that happens.....

we don't make BIG choices usually....we don't KNOWINGLY choose to elevate something that's less important...

it's the little bitty choices that we make
that add up.

if my child wants to go to the park (in the days when they still wanted to do things with me!)....and it's a work day....I can't.

but on occasion.....my child might REALLY want me to be there....and work might not be THAT critical that particular day.....and I'd just do it.

it was a matter of asking myself, often, what is REALLY the most important thing here?
obviously....work is important.....and it often had to be priority (ya gotta eat!)...

but not EVERY time.....
and when I began making the most important choices EVERY TIME I COULD.....it made it easier (no guilt).....when I really COULDN'T.

In recovery I've learned that the same idea works in all parts of our lives.

we can't wake up one day and say "OK...I will be honest from now on" and expect everyone to now trust us....

we BECOME honest or trustworthy or ________(fill in the blank)______ by making the right choices...every LITTLE time we have a choice to make.....by doing the NEXT right thing....the next most IMPORTANT thing....now...and then again ....and again.....and it builds...and it grows....and before you know it....those little choices all add up to be who we are.....
and our energies are spent on the things (and the people) most important to us :)

Who our real friends are.

So a few months ago my son had a fight at school. There is a zero tolerance policy so he was suspended for a few days.

The day that he was to return to school, he had to be accompanied by a parent.....we met with the disciplinarian.

My son had been bullied by an older kid and he'd finally had enough....but the school has zero tolerance for bullying too.....the disciplinarian was explaining that 'they' can't correct the problem unless they KNOW about it....you gotta tell.

fat chance.

anyway......

this guy was great....he was talking to my son about how often your so-called 'friends' can get you into trouble.....when another kid mouths off at you for instance, and your buddies say things like "are you gonna let him talk to you that way? what are you gonna do about?"

the disciplinarian said "those guys don't care about you...they are not your friends"

then he asks my son "do you have friends here?"
my son says yes.
"No you don't" says the disciplinarian.

My son is confused....of course he has friends....and he says so.

"No."

"You don't"

"Look to your right."

My son looks at me.

"THAT is your friend. The people you are with here at school are your acquantances.....ten years from now you won't even remember most of their names....THEY don't care about you....THAT lady right there...SHE is your friend....you need to remember that."

I thought it was pretty powerful.

when we walked out of his office, my son looks at me, confused...and said "that was stupid"

lol

oh well....

honestly....our relationship has improved a great deal since that day....maybe some of it did sink in.

my point is....

we ALL need to keep that in perspective.

who our REAL friends are.
not people we just spend time with...or work with....or even hang out with in our free time....but our FRIENDS.

people who would care for us if we were ill......

we need to really cultivate those relationships.
they are the important ones.

and if we can't think of who they are....
if there is no one.....
we need to go about the business of creating them.....
real relationships.....

alone is too lonely.

Who's in my corner?

I started driving at 14 yrs old (scary)....in my teens and twentys I ONLY listened to music in the car....in my thirties I alternated between music and talk radio.....and now....in my forties....I occasionally drive in complete silence.

oh....I can still 'jam' from time to time (although my teen sons are horrified if I'm singing or bouncing along with a song at a red light....someone might see me...and THEM!!!)....

and all of it's good....
music
listening to people talk about good stuff
and just quiet

thinking of nothing....
or thinking about all of the important things that I've been too busy to think about lately :)

lots of times, I'm thinking in the car....and I'll think 'this is a great thing to blog about when i get home'....

funny that....more often than not....those thoughts are fleeting
you know....when you wake up after a vivd dreamand ....unless you sit down and with much effort....recall all of the details....and maybe even if you do....by the end of the day it's a vague memory....and perhaps you can't even remember having dreamt at all.

sometimes my brainstorms are like that.

but not always.

and it can be kind of quirky....my thought process.....

recently someone posted on safe harbor and mentioned a gathering that she was planning....her husband said to invite everyone she knew....so she sat down and counted all of the people in her life (that she cared about)....and she mentioned this number.....it was a large number, i thought, of people in her life...people who she cares about...who care about her.

so i started thinking about my own life.
not counting.
i'm too lazy for that...or too busy....or both.

but....thinking about the 'layers' of people in my life.

of course there are acquaintances.....
but
friends
even friends come in many flavors.
i mean
i have some friends that i've known for more years than i'd like to admit :)

i have some friends that i haven't really known for very long at all....but i consider them close friends just the same.

i have some friends that i have never actually met face to face (thanks to the internet)....that I truly truly care for.....and I know they feel the same about me.

Anyway,

I was thinking about.....

who loves me.

i mean

if i needed something.

if my heart was broken

or....some hardship had befallen me.....

or i just needed to cry to someone....

or advice....

who could i call?

who would care?

or

if i were really really in need

i mean REALLY in need.

who?

and....

honestly, I can think of lots of people.

you know

when my mom died....that was (although i wasn't fully aware of it)... an enormous source of my pain.....the fact that i no longer had unconditional love.

i mean

that woman

she was there the day i was born

and she thought i was the most beautiful thing ever to be born :)

and while we had some rough times (during my OWN teen years).... she was always there.

always
no matter what.

for many years after her death I did not grieve her (properly)....so anytime i thought or spoke of her my eyes would water.

one day....a friend of mine (who never knew my mother)...said to me...'i really don't think it's healthy...the way you still feel so powerfully about the loss of your mom' (she was very close to her father who had passed away years prior....but had dealt with his death 'properly').

i said to her "if your husband comes home tomorrow and says he's leaving....he's in love with someone else....or....if your house burned down.....and you lost your husband and children in the fire....and there's just you.....just you....with no home of your own....where would you go?"

to her mom's.
i made my point.

but she was right......i hadn't dealt with it...and it was unhealthy.

honestly.....

i didn't realize that I was loved unconditionally (by my husband)....until I told him that our money was all gone....and every credit card we had (and we had lots that he didn't know about) was maxed out..... and our bills were late...and...well...i didn't really KNOW what-all we owed.
it was a mess.
i was a mess.
and he was pissed.
but he stayed.
and he let ME stay LOL
and we worked it out......

you know.....even then.....there were other people in my life who loved me.

and now....there are even more.

and i was thinking lots about that.

i mean....yeah....there's aunts and uncles and brothers and my husband...and life long friends....

but i have many NEW friends too.

and I was thinking about why that is....how it came to be.....

I think.....that learning to listen.....to REALLY listen...to really CARE about what's going on with other people.....makes them respond in kind.
I think.....that when you share yourself....confess the things that you are most ashamed of.....really BE who you really ARE with someone....it frees them up to do the same.

I think.....that if we want to HAVE friends....we need to learn how to BE friends.

I think.....I have many faults.....one big one is that I neglect to keep in touch like I should. I think of people I care about far more often than they will ever know.....they should know.

But....I know.....that when I am in need....I have people to call on.....and I know that my friends feel the same way about me....

I'm here when it counts.

knowing this....that I am loved....is an important part of my 'being ok'......

the thing is.....there were lots of people in my corner....even before I was aware of it.

becoming aware of it....makes it a reality FOR ME.

goodnight.

Share your story

Someone left a comment on yesterday's entry.....said that many women don't have the opportunity to share that way either....aside from 'the rooms'.....or maybe I dreamt it? the comment isn't there now....

but I've been thinking about that....

not only that...

but the NEED that we have to tell our stories.....
and how difficult it is to do.

not JUST cg's.
humans.

we all have one.
a story.

and...I think....a need to be known.

but that's scary.
what if I share who I am.....and you laugh...or otherwise reject me?

I think...it's important to tell our stories...to get it out....but it IS important that we choose carefully who we tell what to.

I mentioned that I've gone on other girl's trips...with different groups of women.

There are many women that I would not bare my soul to.

I've found that when someone opens up to ME....I am more free to share who I am.

and visa versa--

a while back...when I was having troubles with my son....some of what was going on was widely known, thanks to gossip.
but
it seemed like it freed others to share their woe's with me.

maybe a part of it was an effort to make me feel better 'you are not alone'....but I think....a bigger part of it was that...they felt that I was a 'safe place' to share....after all...I would understand....I was going thru similar stuff.

Anyway....
sharing our stories is important......and having a safe place to do so is necessary....so...regardless of your sex.....find a safe place to share yours....and if you can't find one...get to a room.

alone is too lonely.

Girls' trip

Last weekend I went to the beach for a 'girls trip'.

I have attended girls' trips in the past with this group of women...and with other groups also.

This particular trip is ten women (myself included)....which makes the trip EXTREMELY affordable.....

we go to the beach.
we take turns cooking meals.
and we drink.

On some of the trips....that's it.
it's all about getting away...no responsibility....no kids "mommy i want" or "mommy i need" "mommy, mommy"
just...for a few days....doing EXACTLY what you want (or.....NOT having to do the things you DON'T wanna do).

or at least....that is what we THINK it's about before we leave home.

these women......
one of them is a very good friend of mine.....from high school.
the rest of them all live in my neighborhood, but i only see them once a year.....maybe we'll run into one another in the grocery....we'll hug....or chit chat for a few minutes 'how're the kids?'...that kind of thing.....but I don't really TALK to the other eight women except for once a year.....on this trip.

but when we're there.....those four days...we share a closeness that hard to put to words.

we say "what happens on girls trip STAYS on girls trip"

but that's not about things that we DO...it's about what we SAY.

the precious moments on this trip are when two or three of us find ourselves alone together........and we share who we are.
and we laugh....
and we cry....
and we encourage one another...
or....we just cry together.

we share secrets.....we share our fears.....we talk about our children and we talk about our own childhoods.

we talk about everything.

Saturday we were on the beach....sitting on those short beach chairs...in a big circle facing one another....listening to music....some of us reading, some napping...and I was looking at these women....thinking about how fortunate we are...to have one another...to have 'this'.

It occurred to me that most men do not.

sure, they have their own thing.....maybe they hunt or fish or play golf together....they let off steam....let go of the stress....

but I'm thinking that most men can't or don't sit with other men.....and talk about what's going on with their spouse, or their children, or their parents...or just within themselves....and cry.

I'm thinking....that the only place I'm aware of that men have to do this is in the rooms of 12 steps.

On Sunday, we all packed up and came home....back to work...to our families....to our lives.....I won't spend time with most of these women until this time next year....when....for a few days....we will just 'be' together.....and know that we are not alone......and we will share our experience, strength and hope.

the housekeeper

A couple of months ago I was at a car wash...something I don't do often enough...but people were coming into town and I might have to drive them around.....so I'm there...and a Hispanic woman shows up and is speaking with the guy who's running the place....... they are speaking in Spanish...after a few moments, the man turns to me and asks if I know anyone who needs a housekeeper.

hmmmmm

I needed help in a bad way.
but the expense....
but....
I was having a really hard time whipping this place back into shape on my own.....and...when ya work all day long and REALLY get lots done....then stand back and can hardly tell a difference....it's discouraging.

so I talked to the woman for a while...she was inquiring for her sister.

we exchanged phone numbers and made arrangements for the following week.
I wasn't sure I could afford it long term...but I could REALLY use the help...at least in the short term.

so it's been a few months now.
she and I were fast friends.

when we met....her family was split up....living with different relatives....they lost their home in Katrina and one bad stroke of luck after another....and as the weeks went by...things seemed to get worse and worse for her.

but she is amazing.

she says 'Thank God' all day long.

one day I asked her about it...

'oh yes' she said
'when i wake up, I say thank God I am awake again'
then I get out of bed 'thank God I can walk....and I make breakfast, thank God'

she comes every week now....and I pay her the wage that we agreed upon...and I load her down with whatever I can to help them....and she thanks me...and she thanks God.

sometimes she cries.
or...
we cry together....
and.....she will thank God that she has me to cry with....

we work hard when she's here.

I always go out and buy us a nice lunch...and we sit and eat together....and talk....and today....I cried....

not for any particular reason
just
stuff....building up, I guess.

I told her that I woke up last night...couldn't get back to sleep....worrying about things.

she said 'did you fix it?'
'no'
'then why worry?' she said.
lol
right...I think....I know the Serenity Prayer...I smile...through my tears

she said 'whatever you are worried about...just thank God'
if you and your husband are happy, thank God...if you are fighting, thank God that you have a husband to fight with, thank God no matter what, when your kids are good, thank God, when they are bad, thank God for that too....and tell them you love them and kiss them and kiss them and kiss them, last thing before you go to sleep, kiss them and thank God'

I am looking at her as she says this to me.....this remarkable woman...with so very little....and with such unfortunate circumstances....but with such gratitude for what she does have.

and all credit goes to God....without God, there is nothing...

Often...she thanks God for bringing me into her life.

I argue with her....SHE was a gift to ME....in more ways than I could have imagined.

you know....that day at the car wash.......was the only wash I've had in 2009....and my local place was closed that day due to weather...I had to drive to the other side of town.....
the events that led to her being here......is all so unlikely.......
but it did happen.
and I have a lovely, clean home...and a friend....
thank God.

In the News

Problem Gambling Hotline in California to help Southeast Asians

Your Story Matters

Suspect in Craigslist Killer case has gambling problem

Gambling Lands Man in Prison

Casino Addiction Leads to Conviction

Teen Gambling Increases




Teen Gambling Increases

Mother's day is coming.....

The other day I heard someone say that Mother's day falls on May 10th this year.

That's the 13th anniversary of my mother's death.

The year that she died, May 10th fell on a Friday and Mother's Day was two days later.

it was a tough day.

When February rolled around the next year...I was nervous...anticipating her birthday...figured it'd be painful....but it came and went...it was OK....then...in April...when MY birthday came...I was devastated.

It was my first birthday without Mom.

thing is....I never once considered that it might be a hard day....it caught me off guard.

The following year...as my birthday approached...I prepared myself...knowing it would be hard...

but it wasn't?

it's like...preparing for the pain actually prevented it?

anyway....

these past 13 years....every time that I anticipated heartache....knowing that some signigicant day was coming...when the day came, I was ok...and on a few occasions....I didn't give it a thought...and missed her terribly....

the combo book, talks about relapsing "when caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances"

so....I try NOT to be caught off guard.....

so May 10th is coming.
I'm not worried....but I am aware.
I will miss her....but I will celebrate....
and I will be ok

I continue to discover these things...to pay attention and make note of what works for me....and what doesn't.....and use that information in the future.

not hopeless

It was a busy week.

I love spending time with family.

I was talking with a family friend this week....her husband has a gambling problem....and I was remembering how I was 'back then'.....

I was thinking about how....at family functions I would be a nervous wreck....trying to think of any reason...any excuse I could use to sneak out for a while....I couldn't sit still...I couldn't enjoy myself....I couldn't enjoy THEM (my family)....I needed a 'fix'.

I don't ever want to be there again....I don't want to lose myself in the addiction...and I don't want to have to struggle (it was so so so hard) to break free of it's hold on me.

I never thought I'd be OK again.
I know people who I thought would NEVER be able to stop....who are celebrating significant milestones (many months....even years)....
We may look hopeless...we may FEEL hopeless....but there really IS a way out.
I would never have believed it.....but there is.

grateful today that I found mine.

now...back to work (ugh!)

A gambling family

My sister-in-law and her family are in town for Easter.

We're a very close family and do everything together.

or we used to.

Monday and Tuesday night she and her husband.....and my brother-in-law and his wife have hotel rooms in the French Quarter....they are 'comps' from Harrah's (where they will be spending lots of time).

When I learned this there was a pang of hmmmm not jealousy....that's not it...being excluded maybe?

In the old days we'd all go.
In the old days, it was sort of a 'tradition'...that my sister-in-law and I would pull an all nighter....the night before she flew home.
In the old days, it was 'tradition' to spend holidays at the casino together too.

When I first stopped gambling, in 2002 there was a great deal of jealousy on my part.... And resentment.....ESPECIALLY the time that they couldn't find a sitter....and they volunteered ME to watch the babies while they were out gambling. LOL.

I wouldn't mind watching the kiddo's at all today.
And I don't wish I could go with them.
And I don't even think 'they should choose something ELSE to do...something we can all do together.'

They'll be in town ten days...we'll have plenty of time to do things together....

This is the first time I've been REALLY OK with this.

In recent years....I would TELL myself that THEY didn't have to not gamble just cuz *I* couldn't go....it was ridiculous to think otherwise.
but it still hurt.
i didn't want to gamble....but i wanted to be with them.
Even when I really didn't want to gamble anymore....when THEY all went....I really wished I could go.

Maybe it has more to do with growing up...than anything else...not feeling that I have to be a part of everything....or taking it personal when I'm not.

I so enjoy being free of this.
Not just of gambling.....
but of the desire to gamble.......
and even wishing I was 'normal' so I wasn't excluded.

I am ok....and I don't miss the 'old days' at all.

Spirituality

The last thing I want to do is to tell YOU what to believe...or how to think or act.....

I'm just sharing what's going on with me.

I shared a bit about Spirituality...or my search for God early on....because I know that many people that i've come across are like I was...and struggle with this higher power thing...or....lots of 'em don't even struggle...they just don't believe at all......and that's ok (with me lol).

but....because there did seem to be so many people without any sort of faith or belief in God....I decided to share that part of my journey as well.

As my beliefs began to form I sort of shied away from discussing it here...only because...when I didn't believe...I really didn't want anyone else shoving THEIR beliefs down MY throat.

but I read something the other day...a very short quote that I would like to share...

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." C.S. Lewis

Summing up a life...

today is a better day...not that yesterday was bad really...just a little overwhelmed and disappointed (in myself).

answering an email to a friend this morning...talking about how....we (or...more accurately *I*) find things that work for me....then...for some reason...slowly move away from them.

well....i know what works....i just need to re-commit to doing those things.

i do understand my childrens' frustrations tho...things that are just natural for other people...take so much EFFORT for me.

anyway...it really is about finding things that work for me...tools for living.

well

i attended a funeral yesterday.
a friend's mom passed away unexpectedly.

tough stuff.
she was only 69.

the older i get, the younger that seems.

i didn't know her that well....but her obituary was impressive....as was my husband's uncle who recently passed away....he too, had accomplished many things that I was completely unaware of.

it occurs to me that there are many people in my life..that I know..that I don't REALLY know....

every one of us has a story......
I'm even wondering about my OWN story.....to sum up one's life in a few paragraphs.....this is who i was...this is what i did.....

you know...my mom led an amazing life....but her obit didn't reflect that...it sort of said...when she was born, when she died, where she lived and listed all of her loved ones.

she didn't have awards to mention...she wasn't the president of organizations.... but she quietly went about touching lives....she raised so many children....we took foster children into our home....she had a personal one-on-one relationship with everyone who was a part of her life....she was one of the most amazing people I have ever known.

maybe....when i read a death notice...I should wonder what is NOT being said there.

maybe...I should take more time to know those things while people are still around...maybe i should find out about people by them sharing their stories with me out loud.....not in the newspaper after they're gone.

Unmanageable

My kids make me crazy.

Yeah- they're teenagers, but it's bigger than that.

I remind them daily to pick their clothes up off the bathroom floor and bring them to the laundry room.
I even make them come home from their friends' houses...or whatever they're off doing....to come pick them up....
but day after day after day....they're there.
they're there now.
friday after school....my son called and said he was going to do this or that...and i said...not until you come pick up these clothes.

so he came home...changed clothes, brushed his teeth, told me he loved me and walked out the door....i walked into the bathroom and...what the h*ll?! his clothes from the morning were still there....i ran outside...he was driving away...i flagged him down...he rolled down the window "what?"
I said "why did you have to come home?"
"to pick up my ...oh no!!!!"
so he parked, came inside, we laughed (sometimes i am able to) and he took care of it.

like i said...they're on the floor now.

they will eat the last of a box of cereal and leave the empty box right on the counter.

i could go on and on...but i'll spare you.

it infuriates me.

at the same time.....when i am straightening up around here....throwing away empty cereal boxes and putting milk back in the fridge....I know.....that they are just like their mother.
I'm better now (mostly)....but I was still doing the same crap...long after I left my mother's home (and it used to drive HER crazy too!).

I bring this up....because *I* messed up pretty bad this morning.
Neither boy got their medication....and my oldest son didn't get his lunch money.

I've spent much of my life saying to myself "I've gotta get my sh*t together"....and sometimes I do....I make a plan...I try to get into routines...and it helps....and I might do really well...taking care of all of the things I have to take care of...for a while...then i'll have a day like today where it all just falls apart.

actually...if i'm honest....it's a process...much like relapsing back into addiction.....I slowly get away from doing my 'routine'...and I might squeak by...managing to get my things done anyway...for a while.....until, like i said...it all just falls apart.

these days are always traumatic for me.....and...it's not the end of the world that my son doesn't have lunch money (although it does suck for him)....and it isn't soooo terrible for them to miss meds for one day....I guess....I get upset because I messed up....again.

so
even tho I understand that what LOOKS like laziness....or them just not giving a sh*t....is actually just an inability to focus on what needs to be done (or something?).....it still makes me crazy.

imagine how their father must feel.
he does NOT get it.

and on top of THEM....he's got ME!!!

he may be a little more anal than the rest of the world...but then...maybe not...maybe it just seems that way to me....this unorganized...last minute...haphazard woman?

he knows exactly how long it will take him to get ready for work...or for a wedding..or for anything.......and at any point during his routine of getting ready...he knows exactly how much time he needs to complete the process....so he just doesn't get it when he says to me "how long before you're ready?" and i have no clue

it could be 10 minutes...maybe 35....i really don't know.
it's cuz i don't do the same things the same way every time...
and
i probably didn't put all of the things that i need back in the exact same place they were in the day before.

oh
from time to time, my stuff will get out of control and i'll re-organize everything...and it will slowly get back to me spending half of my time getting ready...actually LOOKING for my stuff....
he REALLY gets ticked off when I 'borrow' something of his...then i don't put it back in the right spot....I might stick it in a drawer....or...well...it could be anywhere really.

so i know this.
i know that life could be a whole lot easier if
well
if i practiced single-mindedness....if i were paying close attention to everything that i did.
it just takes so much EFFORT.....and again...like with everything else....I can do it for a while....but slowly....i fall away from doing it....back into old patterns of behavior LOL..or LACK OF PATTERNs :)

when i practice singlemindedness...I always know where my keys are...because i was paying close attention to where I set them down....and I know that I unplugged my curling iron....because I can recall it....and I don't have to go back to make sure I locked the front door...because i didn't do it on 'remote control'...I was paying attention.

so it's obvious that i'm having a rough morning.

it's obvious that my dysfuncitonal brain contributes a whole lot to the roller coaster of my life....if i thought/acted/behaved more like my husband (normal people?)....my kids would have what they need today....and I would be having a 'normal' day.....

so it's an easy fix....just put the meds and the money in a pre-set location every morning blah blah blah

i wish it were as easy (for me) as it sounds....

Today, my life feels very unmanageable.

from now on....

My boys' rooms are clean.

They have been bad for a long time.

I don't mean bad.

I mean BAAAAADDDD.

I've been complaining for a while about the SMELL when I walk down the hallway...ugh

I understand the boys' not cleaning them tho.
The rooms were so bad....it was to the point where...even if they WANTED to change it...where to start?
boy, do i know that feeling in my own life.

occasionally they would (at my insistence) clean up somewhat....but when you spend a few hours working...and you can barely tell a difference...it's discouraging. (plus...they are easily sidetracked....and might start out with the best of intentions...only to end up playing video games after a short time).

anyway

the rooms are clean.

i've had someone coming in to help me clean the last few weeks...and she and i got it done.
well...mostly she did....

a few weeks ago, she cleaned one of their rooms....my other son was jealous....it took two visits (plus my working in between her visits) to get HIS done....I told ya...it was bad.

but he came home from school yesterday...and wow.

he saw lots of his stuff in the garbage outside...some things he wouldn't have thrown away....but....she found a photograph that is precious to him that he thought was long-lost.

so he said to me "I'm gonna keep it clean from now on".

"good" I said.

I do know how good it feels when your space is clean. I'm sure he means it.

So I asked my husband this morning if he saw the room...."no"....

I told him what a great job she'd done.

"it won't stay that way"

"he says it will....I think he's tired of living like a pig"

"I think it's just like the conversation we had the other day about their school work...it's 'magical thinking'....they get their report cards...they hate their grades and decide 'Im gonna do better this time' but they don't have a PLAN...they don't CHANGE anything....so the end result is the same, even tho they have the best of INTENTIONS"

"maybe" I said. "they seem to be really pleased with thier rooms...I think they'll keep them that way".

"I don't think our brains work that way." he said.

"what do you mean?"

"I don't think our brains can be completely different in different parts of our lives....like...I don't think you can keep your room clean yet still keep a junky car.....either you keep your stuff clean or you keep your stuff junky".

hmmmm

maybe.

makes sense.

and....my addiction dr. used to say the same sort of things re. addiction.....that....people who leave treatment centers but continue to smoke return to the addiction for which they've been treated at a much higher rate.....that.....we tend to be much more successful in overcoming addiction if we rid ourselves of ALL addictive behaviours.

and that may be true

but that doesn't mean that it doesnt HAPPEN.

having had that information from my addiction dr., I have tried repeatedly to stop smoking.....and to reign in other behaviours that I think are 'related' to this addictive 'condition'..... I've been more successful in some areas than in others......and unfortunately....at the present time....I still smoke....
yet...
I am more resolute than ever with regards to gambling.

for me....gambling has had HUGE consequences in my life....and while I would like to stop smoking for many reasons....the truth is...smoking has not (so far) caused me a great deal of grief.

I'd like to stop...because it isn't pretty...it stinks...it isn't socially acceptable AND it isn't good for me.

but....when I get anxious or frightened or angry.....I want one....and those consequences seem minor and irrelevant.

but I cannot envision any circumstances where I would consider returning to gambling to be 'minor or irrelevant'....

and the old '$20 won't hurt' just doesn't work for me....I understand what happens to me chemically when i sit at one of those machines....and I know....that losing $20 would NOT make a difference in my life financially....but what would happen to me...inside....while I 'played' that $20 would have lasting repercussions......

so

i think my brain *IS* working that way...... I'm still engaging in some addictive behaviours....but there is no way in h*ll I'm gonna allow gambling back into my life.

maybe...... a lot of it has to do with how badly we want it....and the more free I become...the more sane I am...the more I really really want my life.

as for their bedrooms'....
we'll see.

prove it!

Seems like anytime I write about how important our attitude is....or even THINK how well I'm doing...the universe wants me to prove it....wants to see me 'walk the walk'....

so yesterday was one of those days....one of those days when I easily could've 'lost it'....six months ago I probably would have....two years ago I woulda been a basket-case.

but i'm good.
my CIRCUMSTANCES could be better....but me? I'm good.

it would've been understandable...whatever my reaction was....it was a doozy....but as my anxiety level started to increase....i asked myself questions.......what's the worst that could happen? nobody's dead......this thing is bad...but it isn't PERMANENT....this situation is temporary....it will pass....and I will be ok again....so i'll try to just be ok now.

and i was.
and i am.

sometimes....even when difficult or disturbing things happen....I can envision a time (many years from now) when this could (COULD) be a funny story......"OMG...do you remember when this happened!!!"

lol- i think it will be a long long time from now before i find many of these things entertaining.....but knowing that there WILL come a time when this will NOT be important is comforting.

so i'm off....to face whatever today has in store for me.

i think :)

Luck?

I spend a good deal of time in my car....often in silence, with my own thoughts....sometimes I listen to music.....on occasion I listen to 'Oprah and Friends' on XM Radio.

My son gives me a hard time about that.
"Ugh! Oprah! MOM....I can't believe you listen to that! It isn't even Oprah! It's her FRIENDS!!!!"

lol-- but I've heard some pretty interesting things on that station.

The other day someone mentioned an experiment that some researcher had done regarding Luck.....

The premise is that we create our own luck....good or bad.

OK-- I'm talking to compulsive gamblers here....I am NOT talking about a 'win'.....so just to be clear....let's define luck, for the sake of this discussion as your overall circumstances or condition in life and perhaps...to some degree...the chance happening of fortunate or adverse events.

you know....there are some people who seem to have it all....good things just 'happen' to them.....and then others among us who just can't catch a break....

So this British researcher, named Richard Wiseman, has identified four characteristics of people who are 'lucky'...

They are skilled at creating and noticing opportunities.
They make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition.
They create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations.
They have a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

so here's the experiment they talked about on the radio:

Wiseman selected an unlucky woman named Brenda and a lucky man named Martin.
He rigged a London city block with several hidden cameras leading to a coffee shop, as well as in the interior of the shop itself.
He planted a £5 note on the pavement outside the shop and four actors on the inside. They sat at the shop's four tables, one dressed as a successful businessman and the other three in casual clothes. They were all instructed to behave the same way for both Brenda and Martin.
When Martin arrived at the coffee shop, he immediately saw the money on the pavement and picked it up. Then he went inside, ordered a coffee, and sat near the successful businessman. He offered to buy the man a coffee, and within minutes they were deep in conversation.
When Brenda arrived, she stepped right over the money and went inside. She ordered a coffee, sat next to the businessman, and didn't say a word the entire time.
Later that day, Wiseman asked both of them whether anything lucky had happened to them. Martin told a funny story about how he'd found money on the street and had a chat with a successful businessman. Brenda had nothing at all to report.

Martin had gotten lucky simply by paying attention (finding money) and striking up a conversation (making a potential business contact).

THen....another day, on a different program, on the same radio station, someone told a story about a lady who was had fallen onto a knitting needle....she stood up...this thing i sticking out of her chest...it had punctured her heart.

She goes to the hospital..where the needle is removed, she is patched up and is home in a few days.

Several days after that...a dr. from the hospital calls to say that the CT images taken showed something suspicious...turns out, she had cancer...it was in the early stages...she was treated and has survived it.

There have been times in my own life...where...had this happened to me...I would have thought "what next? a needle in the heart...cancer....how much more can I take?" (ie what bad luck)

but today...I think more along the lines of this woman....who is grateful for the knitting needle accident....because it caused them to find the cancer and get early treatment. (ie, good luck)

same set of circumstances.......but whether it's 'bad' or good'....is all in the way we look at things...



an interesting article by Richard Wiseman:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/3304496/Be-lucky---its-an-easy-skill-to-learn.html

to REALLY quit....

Making the decision to quit...to REALLY quit...to just be done with it...is necessary for success.

For me...thinking that 'I might gamble at any time...under the right set of circumstances'...just wasn't the best way to go about it.

I am done.
I know that there is a voice in my head that may start speaking to me again....at a time when I am hurting or grieving....saying things like 'it doesn't matter...I deserve it...' blah blah blah
I know that could happen....but I must be absolute in the belief that I won't listen...I won't gamble.

I know the hell it will bring me to...and I know how difficult it was to break free....and if I ever FORGET what that hell was like....or how hard it was to stop....all I have to do is go to gamcare site and start reading some of the Newcomer Introductions. that brings it all back pretty quickly.

as a matter of fact....if i had a formal relapse plan...that would be one of the first things on my list to do if I began entertaining the idea of gambling.

I know it's not easy to decide to 'be done'....and I couldn't do it alone...I needed a lot of encouragement...and I needed an alternative to gambling.....for me...that was the chat room at safe harbor....I spent many hours a day there.

and when the chat room was empty...I would read and post at gamcare.

On more than one occasion people suggested that I had transferred my addiction from gambling to being online. I would not have argued that point....I just knew that...what I was spending my time doing online was learning how to help myself....learning about my addiction and how to overcome it......and even if spending all that time on my pc was bad for me...it was a helluva lot better than gambling....and if i didn't do this....i would likely be doing that.

turns out.....my time on the pc wasn't an addiction after all.....yes, it was excessive...but it was what i needed at the time....I never did DECIDE...'ok...too much time at the pc....i should try to do something else with my time'....it was not a conscious thing.....and it was slow....more and more...I was ok without it....and engaged myself more and more in my 'real' life.

i grew up.

The GA Combo book says that one of the characteristics of a compulsive gambler is immaturity.

I didn't relate to that for a long time....but in many ways I was immature.

Learning to be an adult...and to trust myself....like everything else, has been a 'process'.

none of this happens overnight.

but...none of this can happen at all.....if we continue to gamble.

and.....when i was gambling....i didn't care about any of this stuff anyway....

Relationships

Not that this has anything to do with gambling addiction, per se'.....

but several months ago we entered into family counselling.

My husband wasn't crazy about the idea of going, but we were fresh out of ideas about what to do with our boys.....and we weren't happy with the way things were going.

The boys HATE it and do not always cooperate as much as I'd like...but they're getting better... (the sooner we get 'fixed'...the sooner we can stop going!)

anyway

the very first visit, we were all very very angry with one another.

things at home were pretty bad and each one of us played a part in that.

before we left that night, each one of us were asked to identify SOMEthing that we could do that would make our family life better.
we did.
we each committed to try to do that thing.

and we did.

for a few days.

then things went right back to the way they were before that meeting.

each of us saw that others were not doing what THEY were supposed to do...so we stopped doing what WE were supposed to do.

so the next week, as we were leaving our meeting, it was suggested that each of us commit to doing our 'thing'...NO MATTER WHAT the others did.

even if no one else did what they were supposed to do...I was going to do MY part to make things better.

and it worked.

and

often...when I am with my individual counsellor and I relay stories of things that have happened around here.....it is obvious that my 'recovery' has affected the entire family...even tho none of them do or even KNOW anything about 'recovery' or the things that I am learning or doing...they don't have to....all I have to do is the things that *I* need to do.....and when *I* change...the people around me do also.

it's slow...gradual changes...

things I don't even really notice (sometimes until my counsellor points them out)....

it reminds me of a book that I read years ago that talked about the 'dance' of relationships....and how each of us has our 'part'...we dance the same dance...the same steps...over and over...but...if one of us suddenly starts changing up the steps...doing it a little differently...our partner has no choice but to react to that...they cannot keep doing the same old dance if we are doing it differently.

it's hard to do that sometimes....to decide to change....maybe...to treat someone better than we think we think they deserve.....it's easier to keep doing the same old thing...and insist that THEY change.....

easier maybe.....but in my house it hasn't proved very successful.

changing the way I think changes my experiences.
changing the way I behave......is changing everything.

Learn like a child

When I first found myself on the internet...researching this gambling addiction...I was a wreck.

at the same time...

I *THOUGHT* hmmmm I thought that I 'got' life.


I was convinced of many things.....and the things that I believed....it was the truth.


I was fairly certain there was no god.

I sort of wanted to believe there was one....it would be convenient to have an imaginary friend who loved me unconditionally and who was always with me....it would appear that people who believe in god have an easier time of it, even if there really is no god....

anyway...


I felt like life would always be the way it was at that moment....which was terrible.

and that's a strange thing to think....looking back....I mean....nothing ever stays the same....


but it's more than that...it's.....my view of the world....the way I look at everything.


once I started hanging around people in recovery......I heard comments from time to time that would peak my interest....


I remember someone saying "spirituality I like...religion...I don't care for"

I remember someone saying frequently "it's not good, not bad, it just is"

many sayings that I've heard all my life that didn't really make sense to me...I began to understand......

I began learning about forgiveness and anger and resentments
and fear and shame

I couldn't do this by myself.
I wouldn't have known where to begin.
I started spending time (mostly in online chat) with people who had been where I was (stuck in the addiction of compulsive gambling)...who understood the pain and the hopelessness that I was feeling...yet who had somehow come through it....and were better.

I listened and I listened and I listened.

I DID have to learn how to stop gambling...
but even bigger than that...I had to learn some things about LIFE that I hadn't yet discovered...that I likely would never have stumbled upon if I hadn't ended up in 'recovery'..... universal truths.

that it was a 'journey' began to make sense.

that this is my unique journey.....that others may teach and guide me...but ultimately, this journey, this life, is mine.

THAT is what this is about....it's about discovering who we really are.....understanding that our time here is short...and that ultimately, what we do with our time here is very much in our hands....and that how we THINK determines our experience.

i have learned that i must remain open to all possibilities....even the ones that rub me the wrong way or seem incredulous.

the most important thing that I've learned so far is that I really don't know very much after all.

Two types of Gamblers

They say that there are two types of compulsive gamblers...Action Gamblers...and Escape Gamblers.

There are some aspects of both of these 'types' that apply to me....but primarily, I gambled to escape.

Oh...it wasn't a conscious thing...I didn't say "I need to get away....I think I'll go to the casino".....

the thing was...sometimes i gambled...and I enjoyed it when I did.

but when I did....something happened to me.

Gambling was never much of a social thing for me....I didn't want to sit next to my husband, or a friend, and play a machine....I would wander off...alone...get my own spot...and start pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button.
and get into a zone.

even when I played 'action' games like Roulette or craps....it was just me and the game....I didn't see the other players...nothing....I was in a bubble.
time went away
everything else went away.

for a long time it was just something that I did from time to time
for fun

For me...gambling allowed me to escape, albeit temporarily, from grief, from responsibility, from the stress of daily life......any and all emotional pain.

I've heard of many people who used gambling to escape from physical pain as well.

but...it wasn't REALLY an escape.....it was a prison....

funny...I used gambling TO escape...yet...the most difficult thing I've ever done was escaping the hold that gambling had on me.

Can I Get Better? II

I was just browsing over some of my old entries in this blog when I came across Can I Get Better?

and I'm remembering....

how it was when I was trying to stop..... I would be determined to quit...I had enough....only to find myself driving to the casino or to some restaurant to play video poker...a day or so later.
then I'd swear I would stop....had to....

it seemed I'd never be able to.....and....on days when I did get through the urges without actually going....I was tortured.
I wanted to go so badly.
Denying myself this was so painful....and I knew that that would never change.
Not being able to gamble was going to be a problem for me, from now on.

and then I found G.A.......
and that sort of reinforced for me, that I was going to suffer forever...

when people said "there is no cure"....what I heard was "I am always going to want to gamble and I am always going to feel this way."

But... I don't and I don't.

I know that I will never be able to gamble like 'normal' people do.
so I gotta stay away.

but today....that isn't a problem for me.

Actually...I find it difficult to believe that I fit gambling into my schedule.

well...
i guess i didn't.
gambling WAS my schedule.
everything else suffered.


Life without gambling is not a bowl of cherries.....there are all sorts of problems and frustrations.
Every person that you know (and every person that you don't know) has them.
but.....now......I know that while *THIS* isn't perfect...it's a helluvalot better than hating myself and feeling like I want to die.

Today, I cannot conceive of a situation that would make me want to gamble.

I imagine it could happen someday....but....not today......

I am better.

I am much better.

I am good.

Tough Love in Recovery

I am sometimes perturbed by the hard-line approach that some people take towards others' recoveries.

For some reason I've been thinking about that recently...and remembering, back in 2002, at my first therapist appointment, when she said to me, something like "I will never reprimand you for a slip...or for anything that you might do...if you feel that is something that you need, I could recommend some other therapists."

It didn't really mean much to me at the time.I knew I DIDN'T need that....I am hard enough on myself.
I still see her regularly :)

anyway.....
often...when people are rebuked for giving 'tough love'....I hear them say that that is what THEY got and that it is what FINALLY helped THEM.
so....
even tho it may appear harsh to me (and it does)....I'm going to assume that those 'tough love' guys are attempting to pass on the gift that was freely given to them.

the problem (as I see it)...is that....while tough love may be exactly what some people need...it is NOT what ALL of us need....and can even be harmful to some of our recoveries.

I, too, tend to offer those still suffering, exactly what helped me (what else do I know to do??)...and those tough love guys will sometimes say 'you're not helping them like that blah blah blah'.

bottom line is....we ARE all different....our lives are different...our personalities differ...and it makes sense that our recoveries will also differ greatly.

today.....takin' what I need and leavin' the rest.

(((to all who still suffer))))

On dying...and living

I'm feeling younger than I have in a long time.

I shouldn't...since I'm older than I've ever been :)

My husband and I attended a memorial service for his uncle this weekend. He was 81.
It was an amazing service.
He lived an amazing life.

Not in a BIG way...I mean...you've never heard of him...but the people that he touched (and LOTS of folks showed up).....he made a difference their lives.

My Grammy died about six months ago....she was in her nineties....she helped to build (physically) the church building that her service was held in....and the 50 year old tree right outside the church window was a tree that she planted when she wasn't much younger than I am now.

My other Grandma will be 90 next week.

I was sitting in that service last weekend...thinking about that...about people that I've known...that have died...and the imprint (or lack of one) that they left.

I was thinking about how long many of us live now. Not all of us...but many.....Willard Scott announces quite a few centarians every week...and Willard receives more submissions than he can announce!!....that's a lot of people living past 100.

which started me thinking.....that....if *I* live that long....I haven't even lived half of my life!

and I get to live the second half as a much wiser woman. :)

55 more years (or so)?
that's a long time to be here.
a long time to do something.
to make a difference ....to do something important..
well...it's enough time to do LOTS of important things!!

I do wish I'd have taken better care of this body the first half tho---scary that it might have to last me another 55 years!

Now....to decide how to best spend that time......or...as Linda Ellis would say ' the dash'.

People are doing this!

I once thought this couldn't be done.

Not only did I think *I* could not do it (nor did I really WANT to).... I didn't think that ANYONE (like me) could stop.

at g.a. I met a handful of people who seemed to be, at one time, very much like me (stuck in my addiction....and in a helluva lot of pain).

so then I thought.....most people canNOT stop....but the few that have...have done so using g.a.

but as my horizons broaden, my position changes.

I thought NO ONE could do it because I wasn't exposed to anyone who had (well...I wasn't exposed to much of anything or anyone...I was spending all of my time gambling)...

then

once I was exposed to people who had broken free....it just so happened that those people were in the rooms of g.a.

makes sense really.....

but then....one day....I was paying off (finally) a payday loan that I had been renewing month after month....so I was sort of familiar with the man who worked there.....he knew that the loan was a secret from my husband (please don't ever call my house!)...but he probably thought it was from shopping (or something)....ANYWAY
this day...I am paying off the loan....he tells me to come back if I ever need another loan...I smile and tell him I won't be coming back. The loan was because of a gambling problem...and I'm not gambling anymore.

Really?
he says.

then he tells me his story.....alcohol.

how he drank every penny he had for years....his health was bad, his life was terrible...then one day, for the umpteenth time, he said, 'I have to stop this' and he did.

i drove away wondering....maybe he wasn't a REAL alcoholic? that he could just STOP that way....I know I couldn't quit gambling all by myself?

then....later.....a friend mentioned a book to me, entitled Sober for Good -- it told the stories of many people who had stopped (drinking)...using all sorts of methods....including just stopping.

and I started thinking...

if there are people out there who have stopped gambling without using ga....I just don't know them because....well...only because I don't know them.

it makes sense that if I'm going to g.a. ..... I'll find some successful people there....but if I'm not travelling in the same circles as those OTHER guys....how would I know?

that's unfortunate....step 12 of g.a.....carrying the message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers....that's a good thing.

i think....even those of us not working the 'steps'...need to do that.

once I found online groups...NOW I was someplace other than ga. where people were trying to stop...and guess what? NOW I knew people who were stopping without attending meetings!

my point is.....

if you have tried to stop on your own and have been unable....then find others who are doing what you desire to do......listen to what they have done.....find a way to make it happen for yourself.

they are out there.

Don’t go in or near gambling establishments

That's one of the things they say in the g.a. combo book.

Again, I had to figure out what worked for me.

'gambling establishment'

casinos.

as a rule, i stay away.

and for a long time....there was no way I would even consider walking through the door...for ANY reason.

but on a few occasions I have made exceptions.

I have attended a few concerts with my husband that required me to walk thru a casino....and a few times, with large groups of people, we went in to eat.....then there was that trip to Las Vegas last year.

So I do it....if i feel strong and if it's for good reason.
Also...I walk quickly LOL

There have also been many times I refuse to go.

There have been times I just didn't feel like it was a good idea to be there....or the reason wasn't good enough--the hot nightclub is in the local casino and for a girls' night out my friends wanted to go there---
so...I'd be drinking....and without my husband....I don't think so.

but these days....in MY city...gambling is EVERYWHERE....it isn't necessarily restricted to 'gambling establishments'.

every bar, most restaurants and even most coffee shops have video poker machines.

I realized early on, that if I was in a place that had machines....if I'd never played there, it was no problem for me at all...
but
if it was a place that I'd spent time gambling.....being there was (sometimes) uncomfortable.
the machines seemed to call to me.

so I avoided the places that fit that criteria.
if i'd ever gambled there before...I'd eat someplace else :)

it's about listening to my insides...being aware of what i'm thinking and feeling...and DOING whatever it is that I need to do to take care of me...to keep me safe.

Playing 'the game'

I want to talk some more about this.

I struggled with it afterwards.

A lot.

I could go through all of that here.....how I would never have played poker, or participated in a football pool, for instance EVEN THOUGH those were not my 'addiction of choice'......and blah blah blah

but that would sound like I'm trying to justify 'bad' behavior.

and that's just it.

it WASN'T bad behavior.
it wasn't a relapse.
it wasn't even a teeny tiny slip.

I was fine...and I knew it.

(although I was very aware that I was walking a thin line there... I am and will always be fragile when it comes to 'winning')...anyway

what I struggled with is...

I know that I did not, in any way, violate my recovery.
But I did violate 'their' rules.

so what to do about my 'last date gambled'?

I mean....

if I were to say that I changed my date to a few months ago, that implies failure.....

and I haven't.
I'm still on track....I did not even have a momentary lapse in judgement.

but if someone asks me 'when did you last gamble?' or 'when did you place your last bet?' that someone would be someone in recovery from gambling addiction....and THEY would mean 'by g.a. definition'....so if I were to answer 10 30 06...that would be a lie.

I don't lie any more.

But it's more complicated than that.

I already had two dates.

I freed myself from my addiction on 10-30-06...that was the last day I placed a bet...but I did not attend a g.a. meeting after that until 11-09-06.

G.A. requires that you use the date of your first meeting after gambling as your 'clean date'.

so...when I attended g.a. I used 11-09-06 as my date....knowing full well, that my REAL date was 10 30 06....and THAT is the date I used everywhere else.

10 30 06 is STILL my REAL 'clean' date...although....if and when I attend another g.a. meeting, I will have to change my date to whenever that is....

when I talked this through with my therapist, she smiled and said "your recovery has never been stronger."

and she's right.
and I know that.

My 'clean' date remains 10 30 06 for I have been 'sober' and 'free' from my addiction since that time.

If there WAS any bad judgement the night I decided to play that game....it was only that I didn't realize how important my clean date was to me....but given the situation...I am pretty sure I would've done it anyway....thinking....the 'date' is not REALLY important....it's my living my life....and that I'd deal with whatever hangups I had about my date later on.

so I am. :)