Saturday, May 17, 2008

One Day at a Time

I don’t wish to live my life fighting a desire to gamble, one day at a time.

I often say that…that some G.A. members do us a disservice by telling us that THAT is THE way.

If we believe that is the way…then that is what we will do.

Struggle.

An endless struggle….feeling deprived.

I don’t want that.

I won’t live my life that way.

HOWEVER—

There was a time..there was DEFINITELY a time when ‘ONE DAY AT A TIME’ was not only a valuable tool for me….it was completely necessary.

The thought of not gambling…ever again….

Damn.

No way.

I didn’t WANT to stop FOREVER.

They told me…’forever is too big…we don’t HAVE to worry about forever….just DON’T GAMBLE TODAY’

And I could do that.

Maybe I couldn’t go a year, or a month, or even a week…

But I could not gamble for ONE day.

The next day…

Again…I didn’t have to not gamble for a week..or even for TWO days…Just that day..just that ONE day..

And if that was too big…then, just that hour…or ten minutes…I could not gamble for ten minutes.

Then…when that ten minutes had passed….do it again.

I wasn’t not gambling for twenty minutes

Just ten

Over and over again.

I can do almost anything for ten minutes.

I can CERTAINLY not gamble for ten minutes.

Even when I really really really wanted to go

Even when I NEEDED to go….when I was ‘itching’ to go…

I could put it off…

For just ten minutes.

This….one day at a time thing….it is a wonderful tool for ‘stopping gambling’ …for getting through the urges…

But then

For me

‘One day at a time’ changed.

I still use it.

I still need it.

But now…today….it is not a tool to keep me from gambling….not at all.

TODAY…I do not struggle…
Gambling is not compatible with my life…with who I am today.

TODAY…for ME…one day at a time is how I LIVE….

It has nothing at all to do with gambling.

It means….not dwelling on the past….(I cannot change it)
It means….not fretting about the future….(prepare for it, yes….fret about it, no)

It means…living this moment…today…as if it is the only day that exists.

Because it is.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well..that is certainly a long journey. Here is mine...I used to think i could gamble like regular folks..I could not and ended up in GA and stopped ! But i chipped away for years..then the end came tumbling down on me hard. I lost 700 on a Thursday, 800 on a Tuesday and 1400 the following Monday. Why did this happen ?

Well, before the 3 losses, I won 500 a week prior. The next time I went, I was up over 1500 in B. jack. All i could think about was to push it to 2k. The wine was flowing. Before you knew it ..I was in the usual drill..down to my last 100..lost that and walked out to my car. Drove home feeling great self hatred. Now what ? One day at a time. Today is a good day..I did not gamble.

Anonymous said...

Well..that is certainly a long journey. Here is mine...I used to think i could gamble like regular folks..I could not and ended up in GA and stopped ! But i chipped away for years..then the end came tumbling down on me hard. I lost 700 on a Thursday, 800 on a Tuesday and 1400 the following Monday. Why did this happen ?

Well, before the 3 losses, I won 500 a week prior. The next time I went, I was up over 1500 in B. jack. All i could think about was to push it to 2k. The wine was flowing. Before you knew it ..I was in the usual drill..down to my last 100..lost that and walked out to my car. Drove home feeling great self hatred. Now what ? One day at a time. Today is a good day..I did not gamble.