Honesty

The Big Book of AA says that the program demands ‘rigorous honesty’.

Rigorous defined –
rigidly accurate; allowing no deviation from a standard; "rigorous application of the law"; "a strict vegetarian"
demanding strict attention to rules and procedures; "rigorous discipline"; "tight security"; "stringent safety measures"

Rigorous honesty…before I started gambling I was honest….but I was not RIGOROUSLY honest….

Rigorously honest means….when I am late for an appointment…not making excuses…or exaggerating…..

Rigorously honest means…no exaggerating at all…..

Many of the ‘lies’ that I have told were simply exaggerations….”I did six loads of laundry last night”…when it was only four….and..who the h*ll CARES about that??? As a matter of fact..MOST of the things that I lie about…are insignificant things…there’s really no REASON to lie….if I’m late…can’t I just say “I’m sorry I am late?”

I have a girlfriend, who, if you call her house and she is sleeping….she does not clear her throat in an attempt to sound bright eyed and wide awake…she groggily says “hello”…and if the person on the other end says “oh, I’m sorry…did I wake you?” she does not say “no…not at all”..she says…still in her groggy, half-asleep voice “yes…I’ll call you back later.”

I always thought that was so cool.

I mean…why lie??

The thing is…because I am an addict…because that gambler voice may attempt to take over the dialogue in my head at any time….I need to practice rigorous honesty.

It is difficult to remain active in addiction if one is rigorously honest.

Denial…is a form of dishonesty…it is lying to one’s self.

When that voice starts saying things like “It won’t hurt anything.”
“I won’t stay too long.” “I will control it this time.” Or even “I deserve it.”….if we are practicing living rigorously honest…we will recognize that voice…for what it is…a liar.

I am not perfect…I will never be…don’t desire to be…but….

I would like to be the best me that I can be….

And I want my life.