Saturday, February 9, 2008

Not about Keeping my family

what will happen if i get a phone call today that my husband had a heart attack and won't be coming home...anymore? or my children where in an accident?

if i am not actively working 'my program' there is no doubt where i would go….because my THINKING has been altered…there is a part of me now that KNOWS where comfort can be found…that KNOWS that I can find relief for ANY of my woes..even if it’s temporary….that the pleasure center of my brain can be stimulated by gambling.

Working my program involves many things..including doing whatever is necessary to continue THINKING in a healthy fashion (i.e. avoiding addictive thoughts and behaviors).

for a long time...for me, this was about keeping my family....i love my husband and kids...i don't want to lose this...but... I have seen women who have that they love...that they have neglected in horrible ways.....several have become homeless....i know some who have sold their bodies for money to gamble.......and i know that that would never be me, right? Well....i never thought that i would spend every dime we had in savings, plus another 100k in credit cards...*I* would never do that...i would never sit at a machine while my kiddo's went to aftercare...i would never be LATE picking them up...ME??? I would NEVER....

I have done many things that I thought I would NEVER do.

it scares me who i am when i am gambling...i hear of women who end up in prison for embezzling...i know that that could never be me....but then...i became really good at justifying unjustifiable things when i gambled...i'm sure that those women didn't feel like they were stealing...more like borrowing...they would put it right back (when they won)...blah blah blah

This is not about keeping my family any more (although…I do very much love and want to keep them)….

I don't like who i am when i gamble. i don't like the way i think or the way i feel.

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