Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I've been thinking

I subscribe to all sorts of 'recovery-based' sites... and/or sites that are related to personal or spiritual development...I get lots of mails.

One of the sites that sends me emails is called the "Wisdom of the Rooms"...they occasionally send out a quote....a common 'saying' from AA or the 12 step program.

Yesterday I got one that started out like this:

"Three most dangerous words for an alcoholic: "I've been thinking."

It took me a long time to learn that my head isn't my friend. For years I heard it was best to run my thinking by others, but I secretly never believed it. My head would always convince me it had a better idea, and time and time again I followed its advice. It almost always turned out bad.

it goes on....
it disturbed me.

When I first started attending g.a. and I questioned everything and wanted to do things MY way...people would say to me "Look where YOUR way got you."

and they were right.

My thinking was not good.

I didn't really KNOW it....then...
but for quite a while after I'd STOPPED gambling...my thinking still wasn't so good.


even if I was capable of THINKING real well...I had no idea how to break free of my addiction....how to get myself out of this mess...
and how to be happy again once I did.

but with time...my thinking cleared....

I think...lol....I think that I think rather clearly today.
I think just fine, thank you very much :)

at the same time.....
there is that 'voice'

you know the one

I don't hear it much anymore

but it's still there

and if THAT voice starts talking to me....THOSE thoughts could get me into 'trouble'.

and sometimes...it's not so easy for us to recognize the early signs of 'that voice'....the addictive thinking sort of creeps in....slowly invading our thoughts...and growing.

that's one reason why it's important to stay connected.

So that if and when my thinking is returning to the 'old' thought processes...one of my friends will point that out to me.

But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of thought....or that...I should run all of my decisions by someone else??

Maybe at one time....but not NOW....

and...no offence, but....if we're going to someone else in RECOVERY looking for direction....aren't they an addict too? why are THEY capable of thinking...but I'm not?

so I took exception to that email...can you tell?

So I've been thinking..........
My 'goal' in recovery is not just to stop gambling...
it is not to stop gambling and to be 'happy' again...

it is to 'grow up'.
I want to be a mature woman who is capable of taking care of myself...physically, emotionally and spiritually.....I want to be able to identify what my needs are....and to do my best to get what I need....and to learn to ask for help when I need it...because I am NOT self-sufficient....

I want to be responsible.
I want to live honestly and with as much courage and serenity as possible.
and Love.

That's what MY thinking gets me today.
Now.....back to the DOING....

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