when our circumstances embarrass us

I was thinking the other day...about being embarrassed.

when something happens in our lives...something unexpected...but big...big enough that even strangers know about.....our private business....

affairs, divorce, being fired, losing your house, bankruptcy, kid problems....

I was thinking about some of the things that have happened in my own life recently...and how difficult it was...knowing that people knew...and most likely were whispering amongst themselves.

My Momma always said that it shouldn't matter what other people think.

and she was right.

but....that doesn't change the way I feel.

so

I started thinking about other people that I know...who have gone through such things....affairs, divorce, etc.

I was thinking about how devastated they were when 'it' happened.....but....that today....they are ok.

I was wondering about that....about how we go from being traumatized...to ok.

what is it, exactly that makes us 'not OK' for awhile?

I was thinking about my own life....about these most recent events....and about the pregnancy....then the loss of the baby....and THAT...more than anything...made me realize that a lot of the 'trauma'...at least for me...is that life isn't going as I'd planned.

you know....like my friend whose husband came home a few years ago, said...i'm in love with someone else....i'm leaving....
walked out on his wife and kids.

i'm sure there was a lot more to it....feelings...being abandoned...loss of security...being lied to....but i think a lot of the 'loss' is the loss of the future she thought they were going to have.

when my parents divorced...i was a teenager...and it was ok, really...except....I'd always dreamed of showing up at that house with my children....and they would spend the night with their grandma and grandpa....maybe in my old room? and it would be decorated just like it was the day I moved out.....
so....their split up meant a lot more than they were splitting up.

the future in my mind's eye....was not going to be.

so....my friend...she's fine now.
she's moved on.

she was STILL abandoned, betrayed, lied to.....but now....she has a different future in her mind's eye.
she is no longer embarrassed.
she has accepted what 'is'.

when I think of all of the people I know...and the traumas they have lived thru...I think it's the same way.

I think it's the same way for me...

for a long time I was embarrassed (among other things) when people learned about my gambling addiction....how stupid I'd been, etc.

now....most everyone who knows me knows about it.
I'm no longer embarrassed.

with my sons, too.....

There was a plan....and when they did things that altered that plan...the future that existed in my mind....I was knocked off kilter.....and it took some time to work through things...and to make a new plan.

and I have.
and I'm ok now.

And I'm thinking...it's good to plan.
It's good to prepare for the future....to set goals and work toward them.

at the same time...I need to 'get' (I KNOW this...I just need to incorporate it into my daily living) that...what I WANT the future to be is almost never like it turns out.....
and the sooner I accept what is happening today....the sooner I can go on with the business of living.