The Flight Response

When I was in the cycle...I gambled when I was angry.
I gambled when I was sad.
I gambled when I was happy.

I didn't need a reason.
If I was awake, I wanted to gamble, and if there was any way to make it happen, I did.

Once free, though....I'm truly free.

My 'addictive voice' is really very quiet....and my 'higher self' is very aware that the addictive voice lies and that listening to it will only bring misery.

But

when I am angry or afraid...the fight or flight response kicks in and there really is no rational thought going on...I want to flee....and fleeing...for me....is at a machine.

I found some interesting info on the fight or flight response:

When we experience excessive stress—whether from internal worry or external circumstance—a bodily reaction is triggered, called the "fight or flight" response. Originally discovered by the great Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon, this response is hard-wired into our brains and represents a genetic wisdom designed to protect us from bodily harm. This response actually corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting.

When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. These patterns of nerve cell firing and chemical release cause our body to undergo a series of very dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, "looking for the enemy."
When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into "attack" mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our survival. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Like airport security during a terrorist threat, we are on the look out for every possible danger. We may overreact to the slightest comment. Our fear is exaggerated. Our thinking is distorted. We see everything through the filter of possible danger. We narrow our focus to those things that can harm us. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world.
We can begin to see how it is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs when we are stuck in survival mode. Our heart is not open. Our rational mind is disengaged. Our consciousness is focused on fear, not love. Making clear choices and recognizing the consequences of those choices is unfeasible. We are focused on short-term survival, not the long-term consequences of our beliefs and choices. When we are overwhelmed with excessive stress, our life becomes a series of short-term emergencies. We lose the ability to relax and enjoy the moment. We live from crisis to crisis, with no relief in sight. Burnout is inevitable. This burnout is what usually provides the motivation to change our lives for the better. We are propelled to step back and look at the big picture of our lives—forcing us to examine our beliefs, our values and our goals.

that...and more...here http://www.thebodysoulconnection.com/EducationCenter/fight.html

they go on to talk about how....this built-in function was once necessary for our physical survival....but that in the modern world....our dangers are primarily psychological.

maybe that's why what I want to FLEE to is also psychological.

My addiction didn't develop this way....but once it had a foothold....once I (subconsciously) realized where to find (psychological) relief....gambling became my 'default flight response'.

This makes learning relaxation techniques mandatory....so that...when I have the overwhelming desire...no...not desire....COMPULSION....it is not optional...it feels MANDATORY.....when that happens.... I can put those techniques into use.

Isn't it ironic that this inborn genetic response, that is designed to protect me......has gone awry to the point that....to 'flee' danger (by gambling)...I would actually destroy myself.