One is too many....

So I was browsing old blog entries and I saw where I wrote about dual addiction (and smoking) on Jan 2, 2013.

I'm sad to say I'm struggling to quit smoking, yet again.

I started as a teen... then, in my 20's, I quit.

I stayed quit for seven years.

Then... in the final weeks of my mothers' life... I picked it back up again.

And smoked for years...again.

Then, in 2012, I finally freed myself.

And I stayed free for over a year.

Then... last summer... I did a stupid thing.

and I couldn't stop.

It's crazy... because I was soooo happy to be free of it.
It's a nasty thing to do... I know this.  And it's harmful in many ways, blah blah blah

yet I smoke.

I have decided I'm going to quit this week.
I'm going on a trip this weekend with non-smokers, so it should be easy.  (easier).

So I decided that when I finished the pack I was smoking, I was done.

But I was out this morning and I bought another.


So, I've finally come to accept that I am NOT one of those people who can just 'have a cigarette or two' when they are drinking... I am addicted to nicotine.... and if I pick up a cigarette, I fall right back into my addiction.

So now I must quit again.

I know I can.
I have done it before.

I also know that it's a mind game.
I need to decide to choose that I am really really done.
and be done.
and do whatever I need to do to stay done.

Hell, if I can quit gambling, I can quit anything.  Yes?

I don't ever want to have to quit again.
Not smoking... ESPECIALLY not gambling.

"One is too many and a hundred's not enough."

My way

I can't gamble...Ever.

After several years of abstinence, I thought I could control my gambling.

I can't.

I'll always be an addict... but I no longer suffer.  Gambling does not control me.  Fear of gambling/the need to abstain no longer controls me either.

Gambling was once the center of my life... then, for a time... my life revolved around NOT gambling... but now, I actually HAVE a life.

Gambling is not a part of it.  Struggling to keep from gambling isn't a part of it either.

For me, NOW... recovery means LIVING... becoming the best ME that I can be.

In my despair, I finally reached out for help. 

I was looking for someone to teach me how to CONTROL my gambling... Techniques that would help me to STOP when I was winning... I did NOT want to hear that I could NEVER gamble again.

That was unthinkable.

When I finally decided I was REALLY ready to stop... I wanted a set of instructions.... and there ARE some really good suggestions for achieving/maintaining abstinence... but it's not a real clear.. do THIS and then do that and all will be well.

There's a lot to it, and while others can guide and teach you... you really have to, ultimately, figure it out for yourself.

Because it's about LIVING.

Still.... I wanted those instructions... something I could do right away... and I wanted to see some progress.

I did tons of reading and research and I decided that working on my 'character defects' was something I could do RIGHT NOW.

I'm not sure that character defects is the reason I'm an addict.  That would mean I'm an addict because I'm bad.

Everyone has character defects.

Are 'bad people' more likely to be addicts?  I don't think so.

BUTTTTTTT... if I decided not to lie, not to steal (I did... from my family... using money that should have been spent on other things, even though LEGALLY I had a right to it)...

If I just decided to do the NEXT RIGHT THING... then I couldn't possibly gamble.

Because gambling is never the right thing (for ME) to do.


I see people who are fighting to not gamble, sometimes criticize people 'in recovery' stating "I want to RECOVER... I don't want to be IN RECOVERY for the rest of my life"  or they state that people "in recovery" have traded one addiction for another...

I say, who cares what they do... if that's what they need to do to not gamble/to have their life... YAY THEM!!

I just know what I want MY recovery... MY life to look like... I don't have to call anyone else's way 'wrong'... it's just not MINE.  If it's working for them, it cannot be wrong.  It's right for them :)


Some of those people "in recovery" will say that I am SO VERY WRONG... and that you can't pick and choose how you want to recover... that you must do this and that...

and to them, I say,  'OK'.


Then I live my life...my way.


xoxoxo

Hello again.

From time to time people reach out to me, asking me to update the blog...wanting an update.

I imagine that is mostly about 'are you still gamble-free?'... because when I was stuck in the cycle of the nightmare and couldn't imagine ever being free of it (if I COULD get out of the cycle... I was sure that the DESIRE to gamble would remain)... and... I thought "is that REALLY free?"

and g.a. basically told me (or what I understood from it) was that I'd always be 'sick'.... hmmmm but I COULD be 'OK' if I turned my life over to a power greater than myself.

that was a pretty scary time for me... because I really didn't believe that I could ever be OK, or, God forbid, HAPPY... no matter WHAT I did.... but if turning my life over to ... God? was going to be required, I was pretty screwed, because I didn't believe in that shit.


I tried to learn everything I could about all different types of recovery.... and tried to understand how on earth this could've happened to MEEEEEEE....

but most of all, I was seeking people who had some degree of success. 

If THEY could do it... then it was possible.

And If that is what you're here searching for, then I want to tell you YESSSS... I AM still living my life... free of gambling.. and SO CAN YOU.  There, I said it.  YES people are doing it.  YES it's possible.  Yes, you can be OK.

But it wasn't easy.

My life looks so different now than it did ten years ago.
It isn't perfect.... but that's OK.

I was watching something the other day....  OH!  It was http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability  (you should watch... Ted Talks are great!)... but in one part, she talks about people "numbing"... (I'm improvising here)....and how some people turn to drugs or alcohol or whatever... to numb themselves from pain.. BUT the problem with numbing is that when you do... you are also numb to all of the GOOD stuff.

Ya know... when people are searching for a way out of the gambling-til-I-die cycle, it is usually because they are in a great deal of pain DUE TO gambling.... and they THINK that if they can break free that life will be wonderful... that ALL problems will be solved if they can just stop....
and that's just not possible... there's generally financial problems that must be faced and cleaned up... and then just the random shit that life throws at you.  People you love will die, or leave you, blah blah blah blah.  No it's NOT all good.
But there is a LOT of good.
Sometimes you have to look real hard for it.... or you have to LEARN to look for it... ahhh yes... GRATITUDE.

Ha!  At one point, the 'slogans' so commonly used in recovery irritated me.
But, in fact, these sayings became slogans because they are TRUE.

Nothing  changes if nothing changes.
Feelings are not facts.
Take one day at a time.

These things are not about recovery (for me).  They are about LIFE.
These truths apply to all human beings in all circumstances, not just to addicts/people in 'recovery'.

I love Eckhart Tolle.... practicing 'being present'.  When I am staying in the moment, I am AWARE... and when I become aware.. I seem to have so much... (even if it isn't what I want)... I have no choice but to be grateful.

Clean water!  what a blessing... everyone doesn't have that.
Soap!
A Toilet!
WALLS!

So I'm rambling.

The truth is, for the past day and a half or so I've had a crying spell.  (I'm fine.  It's silly 'problems').
So I was trying to recall... WHEN was the last time I cried?  Really cried.
I can't remember.

Then I woke up this morning remembering a time when I had those days, for no particular reason, out of the blue, pretty often.  In early recovery it happened a lot.  I would be very emotional... I wrote about mood swings quite a few times here.  They were disturbing... so much emotion over something that was CLEARLY not worthy of so much distress.

ha!  funny that when I am elated for NO GOOD reason, I don't question that!
lol

Anyway... this world is full of possibilities.  Possibilities for YOU.  Probably many you haven't even considered... but if you're spending all of your time numbing... and cleaning up the messes you've created.. and covering your tracks... and trying to figure out how to keep on numbing.....

you'll be missing all the REAL stuff that you can and should be spending your life doing.

you control that.
whatever you think, whatever you've been told... if you can or you can't 'get better'.. whatever you believe about that... just DO it.

really.
you're the only one who can.

and you can.

and *I* feel better now too.  Thanks for being here.

Love,
Peg

Time

Geez, I struggle with that.

Never enough.

It's funny because when someone who has been spending every spare moment gambling, suddenly tries to stop... there is a vacuum.  There is now time with nothing to put in it.

That makes it really difficult to stop gambling.

So people who are trying to abstain start looking for other things to do with their time. 
I can remember googling 'things to do when you're bored' and the like.

As I write this, it is clear to me why people must stay active in recovery in order to maintain sobriety...because.... I have been to some really awful (inner) places due to gambling.... and now... with distance.... the memories are somewhat vague and there might even SOMETIMES be a little part of me that thinks (to the gambler who still suffers) "just stop!" 

ha... but the bigger part of me knows it isn't just that easy.  My recall isn't THAT bad.

ANYWAY....

I was talking to my son yesterday about Greek mythology, which, I think was one of the ONLY things that he actually paid attention to in school.... and I was expressing regret.... or... the fact that I have so many interests... so much that I would love to do (and learn)

and I am young (I am going to keep saying that to you in an effort to convince us both).... unless there is some terrible accident, I am likely to live many more years.,.,, but I realize, with some sadness, that there is more on my "TO DO LIST OF LIFE" than I will be able to accomplish before my time here is done.

that makes me want to get busy.

but I'm already TOOO busy!  that's what I'm always complaining about.
no down-time.

I don't know what the answer is.
but honestly... I'm not really THAT upset about the 'problem' (ha! we know what REAL problems look like!)
For now.... my life is pretty damn good.
I'm happy.
I'm healthy.

I'm just going to be joyous in the moment.

Because things will change.
Of this we can all be sure.

If you are sad...delight in the fact that things will change.
If you are happy...delight.... because the fact is... things will change.

have a great day.
take care of you.

you deserve your life...
know that.
OWN IT!!!!!

love,
peg

Hi yall!

So I obviously still have a lot to work on.

I started out the year thinking that I was going to start blogging again regularly (I really am so much better when I do).  But somehow I cannot find the time.

Is it that?  Is it time?  Yeah, it is... but surely I have had a moment or two, here and there, in the past seven or eight months, to sit and write...so it's more a matter of how I choose to SPEND my time.

And there have always been problems around that.... me living some crazy life committed to doing things that I feel like I absolutely MUST do (OR that I really really WANT to do) and never having enough down-time.

Now this is a problem.... but.... I know the audience to whom I speak....and if you are still gambling...or even if you are NOT gambling, but the pain from gambling is still fresh for you.... this must not seem like much of a problem at all.

and you are right.
none of this makes my husband want to leave me.  my loved ones do not suffer terribly and I am not contemplating methods of taking my life.

so in the scheme of things.
this is not a big problem.

ya know.... THAT is really how I look at 'problems' now.

when people are freaking out because they are late for this or that..... or even for some seemingly 'big' problem.... I compare it, mentally, to some big problems that I've had.

is anyone in jail?
got cancer?
do we need to plan a funeral?
is someone caught up in the throes of addiction and cannot stop?
do we need to go to 12 step meetings?
is anyone considering divorce?
suicide?


I could go on....
but those are some of the biggies.

if it doesn't fall into the biggies....or that TYPE of problem.... I am pretty much able to put it in perspective.

my mantra "This is not a big problem.  I KNOW what big problems look like and THIS is NOT one of them."

Of course..... sometimes, there ARE big problems.

I know I've complained from time to time here about my health problems.

I'm really still a young woman (or I like to pretend that I am) and the past few years I have just had some of the craziest shit....
and this past April I finally landed in the hospital.  I was in and out.  Spent a total of over three weeks, had three surgeries. (originally just to look around as the drs were confused)...

I always get the weird shit.

and of course they had never seen anything like this before.
and of course, they could not fathom HOW I had been walking around for the three months prior... not doubled over in pain... blah blah blah

but it's done now.

I'm good as new.  all fixed.  took a while to heal (well... just laying in bed for weeks will take it's toll... my muscles had deteriorated... I looked awful!).

but.... as I said.... I'm all good.

So I am STILL as busy as ever.... mostly (but not all) doing FANTASTICALLY FUN stuff.

get this.... very long story, but (synchronicity)... I found myself in acting classes.... I now have an agent and am beginning to audition pretty regularly.

I think... if I had the time to go back and read my first dozen posts on this blog I would be amazed that I just typed that sentenced.

I am not looking to become a STAR.... and based on where I live, that really won't happen.  but it is possible that I could land small roles on a regular basis.  that would be my goal.

it is SOOOO much fun to be on set :)

I'll try to keep you posted.

and if something does come of it... I will finally come out of the closet.... my boys are grown and I don't think anyone gives a shit if I share any of my past with you anyway.  I'm better now.

sigh.

what a lovely thing to be able to say.

I'm better now.

OK... so I'm writing because occasionally someone new will come across the blog and since it's been abandoned, they are very curious.... what has happened to me?  am I gambling?  what is my status?  can I give an update please?

I have to run.... busy day ahead......

I am good.
I am happy.
More than ever, let me say to you, that your life belongs to YOU and only YOU have the power to CHANGE it.
If you don't like where it is right now, PLEASEEEE take some action.

it isn't possible to snap your fingers and make a NEW, DIFFERENT one appear.

mine did not appear that way..... I just very slowly.... made different choices every day.

keep doing the same things, you will keep GETTING the same things.

today, change something.  one thing.
then tomorrow... change something else.

read.
find books that inspire you.....

make your WORD the most important thing you have.
your WORD is holy.
keep your promises.
don't ever lie.
be honorable.
start small.

but start.
now.
right this minute.

it's the only one you have.

much much love.
you deserve your life....


Peg.

Dual Addiction and Smoking

Did I tell you I quit?

Yep, I finally did it.

Well.... circumstances made it easier than it should've been.

I'll still take all of the credit, thank you very much.

Last October I got a headache.
I get them sometimes.
Bad.
Sometimes they last for weeks.
This one did.
Five weeks and a few days.

BUT
I was extremely sensitive to odors while I had this headache.
Anything with an odor seemed obnoxious.

The second day of the headache, I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was REALLY gross.

but i smoked it anyway.

The next day I went outside to smoke a cigarette and it was REALLY gross.

and again, I smoked it anyway.

The next day when I was about to walk outside to smoke a cigarette, I thought to myself "it's gonna be gross.  I'll do it later."

Five weeks later, when the time the headache was gone (and odors weren't offensive) it was RIDICULOUS to start smoking again.

I wanted to.
I still do sometimes.

But.... I don't want to smoke forever.
I just don't ever want to quit RIGHT NOW.

I'll quit later.

But I realize that.... if, after having not smoked for 5 weeks, I return to smoking, then I must face that I am going to be a smoker for the rest of my life. 

If I don't stay quit this time, then when?

So I'm done.

I've been trying for a long time.
I've written about smoking cessation several times.  Here's one entry.

Statistically when someone has dual-addictions, they are more likely to relapse if they continue in any of the addictions.  People who quit smoking in rehab centers are less likely to return to drugs or alcohol than people who don't quit smoking.

Lots of people in recovery say to tackle one addiction at a time.
and that worked for me.
but studies are showing that ceasing all addictive behaviors simultaneously is likely to be a more successful approach.

However you decide to do it.... all at once, or one at a time..... claim your independence.

The box

ok,

it's a box, not a jar.

If you don't know what I'm talking about....I mentioned in yesterday's entry that I'm taking the advice of a bit I saw and shared on facebook....

So I have a few pretty boxes in assorted sizes.  I decided to use a box.

Last night both of my children came home at 11:30 pm... so my family was safe and sound under one roof (our home) at the stroke of midnight...and some old friends spent the evening with us....stayed the night and we spent all day together here, cooking, eating...just being together.

That's more or less what my first note says.

Then I sat down here...and read last nights entry....  oops... I FORGOT.... about my return to blogging...

already the 'small' good things are getting away from me and we're only a few hours into the new year.

I'm trying to remember how we spent last New Years Eve.
I don't remember.
ahhhh.... yes.... I do.

That seems like a very very long time ago. 

Lots of forgotten good times between then and now.
How sad.

OK... so it's only Jan. 1 and I'm already making mental notes to put something in the box.

Maybe I need another box....on my nightstand.
and one in my car.
or a little wallet in my purse specifically for holding my good-thing notes.

so I will actually write it when I think it.


Yes, that's definately what I need to do.

Mental note made.

Goodnight.

Goodbye 2012

Ahhh... it's New Years' Eve.

Most people who voice an opinion on the matter are usually all about "I'm soooo glad this year is over...I hope the New Year is gonna be better."

I'd never really given it any thought...until.... one of my friends' shared this snippet... that said... this New Year, why not set a jar aside, and every time something good happens, write a little note and drop it in the jar.  Then NEXT New Years Eve, you can recall all of the wonderful things that have happened during the year.

WOW.

that's different.

so I tried to see how many good things I could recall off the top of my head...mostly they're big things... more like a gratitude list.

but there were many many good (little) things that happened.  And probably BIG things that just don't spring to mind.

that's a shame.


Anyway, back to the jar.  I've heard of people having a resentment box....where you put (or burn) your resentments...and that might be really helpful to some, but it's not something I need.  but THIS....this is cool.... to SAVE memories of the LITTLE things.  The GOOD things.

I am thinking.... if I REALLY get committed to this, I am gonna need a pretty big jar.

what a nice thing to think.

I'm sure a jar of bad crap would be of sizable proportion too!  lol

but I don't want to keep a jar of the bad stuff that happens.


OK....so.... my facebook post says;

"We are SOOO doing this at our house!!
ok-in truth;
 
*i* will be the only one to put anything in the jar...

and by feb 1,  I will make mental notes to put things in the jar (because im busy), but will never actually get around to doing it.

Gonna give it my best shot tho! "


Just for fun....the next day, yesterday, I walked into the kitchen and mentioned it to my youngest son..."what do you think?"  he said "ummmm, I don't think I'm very fond of that idea."

i laughed.
I KNEW i would be the only one to put anything in the jar.

my husband is sitting in the kitchen and he starts WHINING that I put that on facebook.
huh?

he says... that I don't need to be sharing our families business with the world.

uh oh

lol

Jeez... all I did was say that they wouldn't participate in my jar-thing.

He says I said that everybody in our house is a piece of shit except me (*i* will be the only one to put anything in the jar).

I certainly did not mean it that way...but now I'm thinking that if he ever DOES read this blog, I'm in big trouble.

I was actually considering 'coming out'.
you know...posting a photo....doing away with the anonymous thing....but I think I'd better keep it this way.
for now.

If you haven't already stopped gambling, today is an excellent day to do that. 
Your independence day...... 12-31-12
nice ring.

First note that's going in our jar:    I'm blogging again.

Yep, that's a good thing.

I had a lot more to say, but the guests that were supposed to come celebrate with us cancelled due to not feeling well..... and have just called to say they're feeling better and will come if we'll still have them, so I've got to run!

Happy New Year Everyone!
Love,
Peg


P.S.
Later, when I told older son about the jar, he says "hmmmm.... whatever.  I'll do it if you really want to." 

He said it with the same enthusiasm as my younger son ("I'm not really fond of that idea.")  BUT... 
he'd do it for ME.

Growing up  ;)

OK, I'm back.

In more ways than one... I'm back to the blog...but, more importantly, I'm back to being ME.

I've got some co-dependent issues that I need to work on, but for some reason the past few months have just been... mostly stress-free.  Lots of things are LOTS better.... but there are still lots of things that are not ok.

Usually, that means *I* am not OK.  but I am.  the difference is me.  attitude.  perspective.
anyway...more on that later.
maybe.

I've got lots to talk about...I've been in bed with the flu since Christmas, and I have had quite a few sleepless nights...racing thoughts, anxiety.  ugh

mostly I am able to manage that if I just catch myself....and remind myself that

all is well
and all is well
and all is well

all of those mental lists that I'm creating of things I've neglected to do and must get on RIGHT AWAY... I won't even recall half of that crap when I wake up (if I ever fall asleep)...so just RELAX....  let it go....and know that all is well.

usually I can do that.

I was thinking about that.
how that anxiety/racing thought thing (a friend calls it our 'monkey-brain') always happens (to me) at night.
or usually at night.

yeah....when I'm busy, I'm focused on a task, I'm not anxious or nervous or fretting about nothingness (or fretting about important things even!)  I just do what I'm doing...and THINK about what I'm doing.

It's when my mind is idle...when I lie down and there's no plan for the brain, it's just empty space and monkey brain takes over and I can't sleep.

That happened to me a lot more often when I was gambling.
Back then monkey brain wasn't usually making lists of things I needed to do, it was FREAKING OUT...about the BANK ACCOUNT and the CREDIT CARDS and please don't let anyone get to the mailbox tomorrow before I do.
still...useless crap to be fretting over.

ya know there are studies about how laughter affects your body physically.  good stuff.
i wonder how bad that monkey brain stuff is for you.
i imagine it's awful....

stress...yeah....it can take a toll on a body.

but ya know

in 2002 when I was at my 'rock bottom' I was pretty damn stressed.  for a really long time.... but I got BETTER.  and when the STRESS got better the SYMPTOMS brought on by stress got better too.

gotta find what works for you to control stress.

gambling sure will contribute to your stress level.geez.  yeah, if you're gambling, I'd say the first step to reducing your stress level is to find a way to stop.

maybe that's why you're here.

The holidays are wonderful.
I love Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite.  It's MY holiday. 
Everyone comes here....my husbands family and mine....and I cook more food than we could possibly consume...and we enjoy one another's company.  truly.

We have different days and nights that we gather over the Christmas holidays too.  nice.

BUT...I know that holidays are not all cheery and pleasant for everyone.
They are a very depressing time for many.
Plus....lots of people take unused vacation time, and if you're a cg, you may spend that time blowing all of your money..... so even if the holidays themselves were ok.....the time/gambling/money can put you in a tailspin.

when I used to attend GA meetings, the rooms usually had newcomers on Mondays.... and lots after holidays.

Gambling was one of our holiday traditions.
If you've read much of the blog you alreayd know that.... after Christmas dinner (or whatever holiday we were celebrating) most of the adults would go to the casino for some 'fun'.

what a nightmare.
just sitting here....writing...brings back so many memories, feelings.

what are the feelings now? 
It's no longer shame really (THANK GOD!)
I'm not embarrassed
I'm gonna give that some thought.
put a name to that feeling.

the feeling that I get when I recall memories of Playing my tape which is some powerful shit.... I do still have feelings.
i gotta give them words.


ok, what else, I've started reading a book that I want to talk about a little.... I'll give a complete review when I finish the book (I haven't had much time to read as of late)...but there are some concepts intrudoced that really struck a chord for me.... book is "Almost Addicted:  Is My (or My Loved One's) Drug Use a Problem? (The Almost Effect) by J. Wesley Boyd MD PhD.

yep.....we'll talk about that next time.  soon.

and.... if you're struggling right now....or have relapsed..... or just need help finding your way out of the damn hole.... what a great time to reclaim your life.   I once met a lady whose clean date was July 4.  Independence day.

I guess all of us with a clean date could call that date our Independence day.
I think I like that.
I shall begin that practice as of this moment.

If you haven't stopped gambling yet, make TODAY your Independence Day.

Be well....
much love,
Peg

Hello again.

It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I've posted to the blog.

I've started writing a few times....but it's so hard.  This blog has been about my journey, not only to stop gambling....but about living my life afterward.... without gambling ever being an option, regardless of how crappy things get.

And while I am more or less anonymous..... I don't think I ever plan to delete this blog, so unless google does, or the internet dies..... I suppose it's gonna be here for a long time.

My husband and children know that I blog (or blogged)....but no one has ever expressed an interest in reading it.  I'm not really sure how I'd feel if they did.  I'd let them, but it'd be weird.

But I imagine that someday one or all of them will.  Or people that know them will....and will recognize that it is 'us'.

I've shared many personal experiences here, including stories that included family members, but the past few years my family has been through ummmm quite a bit of ... errr stuff.... that I really DON'T feel free to discuss here. 
Because it's not all MY story.

sure....what I'd share would be what's going on from MY perspective....but this is big stuff and sharing it would cross a line into other people's personal business.....so I've just abandoned the blog really.

That was pretty tough.... this was maybe the most important part of my recovery....this blog....all of you....the emails, notes of encouragement.... and the opposite too....the notes from people who were at the depths of despair who were in dire need of encouragement....  all of that was so important to MY recovery.  ahhhhh  and you kept (keep) me accountable.

it would be really hard to tell my husband that i slipped or relapsed, or whatever, but he loves me and I know that somehow we would get through it (ugh....how painful that would be).

but I have been your cheerleader....I keep screaming at the top of my lungs YOU CAN DO THIS (and if you haven't already stopped gambling, I tell you, you CAN!!).....   
I should think if I were to come here and say that I gambled.....ever......it sort of negates all of that cheering.
I dunno, maybe not.
But I don't want to ever have to do that.  Come here and say that I've gambled.

So I guess, even tho I'm not active here, even tho I'm not writing.....I know you're here....and I'm still accountable to you...thank you for that  ;)

I really wish I'd kept a diary these past few years.  Not a blog...just a personal diary....wow, maybe the old fashioned kind, that one would actually write with a pen in a blank bound book.   You know...to document all of the crap that we've been through (from my perspective) that I can't share with the world.  Maybe some of my family members would be interested in reading that someday too.  My spin on that.

ha.  probly not.

It's just kid stuff.  Well, they aren't kids any longer.  They're 19 and 20.  and we've been through a lot of stuff that is NOT minor by any means. 

And it's not all over, and I'm not sure that everything is going to turn out exactly the way I want it to.

But today.... we are all still breathing, and this is not the worse day we've had, by any means. 

My health has been really bad.  Was scary for a while... I've been checked from head to toe.  all is well.  It's got to be the result of living under a great deal of stress for an extended period of time.

Things are getting better around here, my stress is less...I'm feeling better.  Go figure.

This has probably been the most difficult three years of my life.
and I'd been through some hard times before....but....nothing....NOTHING...compares to this.....

and gambling was never an option.
lol --- I was pretty depressed at times and I considered running away....and once or twice the thought of just ending it all looked pretty inviting.....but I never considered gambling.

I don't know how to explain that.

I've gone from....feeling I could never stop, I couldn't live without it, or at least I could never be happy without it.

and now..... it is just not something I consider doing - ever.   I don't crave and fear it, I simply reject it.  it's no longer attractive to me. 

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.  I just know it's a bad thing for ME!

One month from today I will be six years gamble free.  So hard to believe.  yet..... it isn't really.  in some ways, it seems like much longer than that.  In some ways....it seems like a lifetime ago.

In some ways, it has been.

If you're gamble free, even for a day..... hang in there....just today.....

You deserve your life.......and you can do it.

Much love,
Peg

Recommended Reading

Aside from the GA 'combo book' -- the little yellow book that my g.a. group read at the beginning of every meeting.....some of the other literature that has influenced my thinking and my ability to break free and stay free from the cycle of gambling are:

Sober for Good by Anne M. Fletcher -- New solutions for Drinking Problems-- Advice from those who have succeeded. Get sober with or without AA - You can quit on your own - You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic - You may not even have to quit altogether

Now...this book really appealed to me....especially the part that I may not have to quit altogether. I do not have a problem with alcohol. It is something that I can easily put down...but I do believe that what is 'different' about an alcoholic (as well as other addicts) is the same thing that is 'different' about me....we just found a different method of .... um.....soothing? ourselves.

I imagine there are some people out there who have gambled out of control and who can manage to somehow regain control of it. I am sure that I am not one of those people. After several attempts at it.....I now believe that I can live THIS life or that OTHER life (living in the cycle of compulsive gambling-obsessing over gambling when I'm not actually doing it --- and compulsive gambling).

So I fall into the category of 'I have to quit altogether'.......but I did find a lot of good information and inspiration in the book.

I think the author also makes some very good observations on why the traditional 12 step programs do not work for everyone.

Many Roads, One Journey, Moving Beyond the 12 Steps by Charlotte Davis KASL, Ph.D. -- "while many people find twelve-step programs invaluable, countless others find that the traditional focus on conformity, humility, and personal failings is counter to their tremendous need for self-affirmation and community support in overcoming issues of child abuse, sexism, racism, poverty and homophobia."

The author of this book has developed the 16 Steps of Discovery and Empowerment:


1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

Alternative: We admit/acknowledge we are out of control with/powerless over _________ yet have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

2. We come to believe that God/Goddess/Universe/Great Spirit/Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.

3. We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

4. We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchal, patriarchal culture.

5. We share with another human being and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.

6. We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths, and creativity, remembering not to hide those qualities from ourselves or others.

7. We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

8. We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

9. We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life and the blessings we do have.

10. We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel.

11. We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover-up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.

12. We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.

13. We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.

14. We seek to find our inward calling and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.

15. We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16. We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

Charlotte Kasl, PhD. copyright 1991 (materials must retain copyright if reproduced)



Kasl emphasizes that her criticism of AA is tempered with the knowledge that Bill Wilson was a product of his time - Depression Era America - and she appreciates his 'open-mindedness, creativity, flexibility, and willingness to change' but by contrast, many AA loyalists offer pat answers, closed minds, and dreary rhetoric. She says that AA is based on a sin-and-redemption philosophy: "You're a sinner and you have to make up for that for the rest of your life. There's nothing about love and trust, there's nothing about validating your strengths, about celebration, about joy".

Author and psychologist Jane Middleton-Moz, who has been treating Native Americans and other 'minorities' from addictions for 25 years says, "For people who have been oppressed for years and years - generations, actually - to say, "I am powerless" or "Turn it over" is to say something they have felt their whole lives."

In contrast the 16 Steps are a positive, flexible and holistic self-support alternative that offer support for a wide variety of quality of life issues, such as addiction, codependency, abuse, self-esteem, personal empowerment, and more. 16 Step groups encourage us to... "...celebrate our personal strengths, have choices, stand up for ourselves, heal our physical bodies, express our love for each other, and see ourselves as part of the entire community, not just the recovery community."


Questions and Answers on Addiction by Howard Wetsman MD-- "There are two main points to this book...the first is that addiction, not alcoholism or cocaine dependence or compulsive gambling, is the disease that requires medical attention as opposed to any particular behaviors patients or their families find troubleing. The second is that addiction usually causes symptoms before the troubling behavior started and will continue to cause symptoms after the behavior stops..........the illness does not go away with the drugs. The new science that has emerged and continues to be discovered tells us that this brain disease is a chronic progressive condition that requires care throughout the life cycle much as does diabetes, asthma, and hypertension....This is a hopeful time for the treatment of addiction, and that hope is what this book is about."

I've mentioned this book on my blog before...it was written by the dr. that treated me for addiction and I believe that he helped me to save my life.


Excessive Appetites - A psychological View of Addictions by Jim Orford -- this is actually a textbook that a friend recommended to me. it was quite expensive but (now that my financial situation has improved) was worth every penny....the author offers a different model of addiction, and believes that" with alcohol, Excessive Gambling deserves a central place in our picture of the addictions."


That was the first time I'd heard that. Most addiction treatment centers, except those solely dedicated to compulsive gambling, do not treat, or do not know HOW to treat compulsive gamblers....the fact that we don't actually INGEST something to get us high, actually makes even other addicts not able to relate to us.


These are just a few of my personal favorites....there are others that I may mention from time to time.

Peg

Hitting Bottom

A few months ago I wrote a post on Safe Harbor, and someone pointed out that while I listed my date last gambled as 10 30 06 --- in my post, I mentioned that I hit my personal rock bottom on 4-15-02.

Isn't that something....one of the worst days of my life.... one of the SCARIEST days of my life..... and yet.... even after that, I continued to gamble.

Well...it didn't happen exactly that way.....and it's a little complicated..... I did stop gambling (although not until July of 02) for nearly two years.

and then, I went back.

Now some people might say that I started up again because I wasn't attending meetings or working my program....but then....I've seen lots of people who go to meetings all of the time....and have a sponsor and are working the steps....and they relapse.

so it looks to me like....it isn't that uncommon to relapse, regardless of what we are doing.

for ME.... relapse (which implies that there has been a bit of clean time) is a DECISION to return to gambling.

I firmly believe that when I was caught up in the cycle, the ability to DECIDE whether or not to gamble eluded me. I could not choose not to. I was driven to it.

But....

by educating myself about what is wrong with me (and I do believe that my brain is a little different from the folks who can walk into a casino and leave when they want to...and do not crave to return)..... and by finding other people who can understand me (because people who are not like me can NOT understand....it's just not NORMAL to be this way).....

maybe the most helpful thing for me was finding people who seemed 'normal' (free of the cycle) now...but by listening to them... it was clear they understood me...they had been thru it...they had been there...they had suffered as I was suffering....financially, emotionally...yet.....they were free....and ok.

could I be ok again?
some of the stories of the folks who were ok sounded as bad or worse than my own story.

and they were ok.

I clung to those people like a lifeline....
for me, those people were online, but it really doesn't matter where one finds them...in a treatment facility, the rooms of g.a., anywhere....but finding people who 'got me'....who could point out my 'thinking errors'.....or....who would just listen...and understand.....who could share their stories....of what they'd been through...and HOW they'd broken free.

In those days my level of anxiety was extreme.

My whole world was crashing in. My finances were a wreck....my marriage was crumbling.... I didn't even know who I was any more.

I didn't see any way out of the mess I'd created and I seriously thought that taking my life was the only way out.....

but then...I found people who had been there....and were ok.

some of them still had a lot of debt....but they were living their lives.....taking care of things, not running from them....getting second jobs.... they seemed...calm...relaxed....unlike the turmoil that was going on inside of me.

Ya know...I've also met a lot of people who have managed to stop gambling...and I don't want to be anything at all like them LOL.

but that's their business...not mine.

I sought the people that inspired me.....people who made sense when we chatted.....

but I didn't start doing that until 10-30-06.

finding out how to take care of myself.

when I first stopped gambling in 2002.....I always knew...in the back of my mind, that I would gamble again. I didn't know when.....maybe it would be many years from now...maybe not so long...but I know when I had a good enough EXCUSE...that I would return.

and that's what I did.
after nearly two years of not gambling...sometime in 2004.... I was suffering.

I had lost a baby....I was helping to care for my father-in-law who was dying....I was trying to care for my own husband and children, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.....and hurting.

who could blame me?

so one morning..when I had a bit of time...I stopped...I knew I couldn't hurt myself badly...I didn't have much cash, and while I had earned enough trust to have a debit card, my use of it was monitored closely by my husband.

but I was sneaky...and found was around it.....so, I was right...that morning, I didn't hurt myself (financially)...I stopped...I gambled the money in my purse...and left.

and I didn't go back for a few days...or mabye a few weeks....but it had begun again.
I was back in it.

and it grew.

I gambled in secret for nearly two years.
while i did over extend myself (and made payday loans and borrowed money from friends and family) I did not reach the level of insanity that I had in 2002.

Part of that was because I was monitored closely and REALLY did not want to get caught by my husband....part of that was because I had educated myself (somewhat) during my initial clean time.

Now some people will say that it isn't important why we gambled.

And maybe it ISN'T important for some people.

But it was (and remains) MY belief that....knowledge is power....and while UNDERSTANDING addiction/compulsive gambling alone is not going to keep me safe....that knowledge is a big part of why I am still free today.

more later.
xo

I'm back.

Wow!

I can't believe I last blogged in January.

The truth is....the past couple of years I've had some things going on in my personal life that I did not feel free to share with the world.... there are other people involved.... and I respect their privacy.

One day, they may or may not choose to share their stories...but it is't my place to do it.

And....this whole blog has been about...dealing with LIFE....not just stopping gambling...stopping gambling is NOT easy...it sucks...but the REALLY hard part is to deal with the day to day crap that the world throws at us.....and to continue to choose to live gamble-free.

Many times I've started to blog, but it was very difficult to do....without talking about the things I don't feel free to discuss....so I'd scrap it.

and....the 'stuff' isn't over yet....but.....my life today is not ALL about that (as it has been for a very long time).... I am actually beginning to live MY life again.

most of the time LOL

Anyway...I don't imagine I'll jump right back into writing daily....but....I'm back.

I'm doing well....still gamble-free.

I hope you are too....and if not....you can be. know that.

Love,
Peg

Rome wasn't build in a day

A friend of one of my sons is in some legal trouble.

He's been incarcerated for a few months, a juvenile.

A smart, attractive kid with a great personality...who did a really dumb thing.

He has been corresponding with my son via mail...and I've been wanting to reach out to him...to write him a note, but truth be told, I barely know the kid. He's shared a few meals with us....and my son loves him like a brother. Really...what would I say to him...I'm sure he's heard enough nagging and preaching from his own parents.

But two weeks ago, I pulled out a note card and stared at the blank page. what do I say?
and then..suddenly....I began to write....and write...and write...and cry...and write.

I stopped at 15 pages (poor kid).

Last week I received a 5 page reply from him. He was shocked to get mail from me at all....and touched by all that I shared with him.

My experience.
How to turn a life around.
How to go from hopeless back to living.

I didn't realize, until I started writing, how the changes I've made in my life, with regards to gambling, are really the things that ANY of us have to do when our behavior has to change.

Ya know.... the sayings that we hear, in the rooms of GA or from our Grandmothers...wherever....we (or at least *I*) have never spent the time to ponder the true meaning.....therefore, when someone quotes one to me, it has little significance in my life.

So I was telling this kid, in my letter, how I'd really screwed up my life and I didn't see any way that I could ever repair things. I didn't see how things could ever be OK again.

that's because....what we want is 'poof'...everything is all better now.

and that doesn't exist.

when i decided to turn my life around...REALLY decided...it was inside...I was different...I KNEW I was different.

why didn't anyone else see the (internal) change?
and why did I still have to face the consequences of my bad behavior. THAT sure wasn't fair. I'm gonna do the right thing from now on, so people should trust me and forgive me and give me another chance.

so I really had to dig deep.
I had to decide that I was going to choose to do the right thing EVEN THO no one believed or trusted me...and I was going to have to live with the pain of the consequences.

But...just like there is no 'poof', "everything is all better now"
there is no 'poof' "I am all different"

besides...that is too big a task "I am going to be this or do that 'from now on'"

and it isn't necessary.

all I had to do was do the next right thing, right now.
and then....do the next right thing...
and the next.

doing the next right thing sort of encompasses EVERYTHING...how we treat people, being dependable, being honest.

now, I'm not perfect.

sometimes I don't do the right thing, but then, when I realize it, I just try to do the NEXT right thing (and if necessary, correct the wrong).

the thing is....
with time...other people DID see a change in me.

I don't imagine it was a 'poof' sort of thing for them either.
I don't think that one day my husband woke up and realized I was different.

It was slow....gradual.

I have a girlfriend who is very private (because our group of friends gossips quite a bit)...and recently she confided some very personal things to me.
She knows I would never repeat it.

Four years ago she would not have considered sharing with me.....and I don't think there was a DAY where 'poof' she realized I had changed.... it's just happened slowly...with time...

So I was telling this young man that the way to change your life is just to change this moment. do the right thing right now.

it begins as a series of actions...but it becomes who we are.

and eventually...the people that matter...will see.... that there is change.

Rome....was built...one brick at a time.

What happens in Vegas....

So I want to tell you a story....

In late August I took a trip with my family, to visit a family member in another state.

We flew into Las Vegas...then had a six hour drive to reach our destination.

After several days, the rest of my family returned home....and I stayed on for a few more days.
It was planned that way....but it wasn't until they were gone that I suddenly realized I was going to be in Las Vegas BY MYSELF.

Now...if you know me, you know that I've been to Vegas a few times in the past few years....

and I will go again in March of next year.

Here's my reasoning....

The reason that I pulled myself out of that horrific cycle...is because I want my life.

Literally..and figuratively.... I mean....in those days I really wanted to stop breathing....so yes...stopping gambling saved my life for REAL....but....
since I AM going to be here for a while....I want to LIVE.

now i once thought that a life without gambling couldn't possibly be worth living (insanity)....

but what I mean by LIVING is....

I want to be able to DO things....especially things that are important to the people that I care about.

that doesn't mean that I don't limit my activities.
If, for instance, my (extended) family decided to do a brunch at the casino one Sunday afternoon (which we used to often do in the 'old' days)...there's no way I'd go. It just isn't worth it ---the risk....of being in/near the casino is too great...and there's no real reason to be THERE.
there are so many other places we could go to eat/be together....I would decline that invitation.

But, next March, for instance, in Las Vegas, my husband will be honored at a ceremony.
I'm going to be at his side.

THAT is what I mean by...I want to LIVE.

Anyway...
I've done it before...the first time, I wrote about it in this blog...preparing (mentally) for the trip.
that's sooooooo important.

My husband and I talked about it a lot....

For those of you who've never been to Vegas...there are machines EVERYWHERE...and the guys who design those casinos are very clever...

you walk in the front door...and you have to walk right smack dab thru the middle of the casino to get to the front desk to check in.
while you are checking in...the lights are flashing....machines are singing their tunes...people are cheering as they hit a jackpot...you are in the midst of it all.
you get your room key....
now...to get to the elevator....it is on yet ANOTHER side of the casino....walk right thru the action....again....
these places are big....could be a four or five minute walk....

every time you enter....every time you leave.

so....
before that first trip...I explained to him how bad that is for me...and that I NEVER wanted to make that walk alone....and that I ALWAYS wanted to make it quickly :)

also....all of my recovery friends knew that I was going....I had my phone loaded with phone numbers and several people who were happy to take my phone call at any time of the day or night...for support.

I also looked up the local g.a. meeting schedule.

I don't normally attend g.a....nor did I then...but.... there have been times when a meeting has been helpful....given me strength....so I got the list of meetings...just in case...and sort of even picked one that I planned to attend (never did...didn't need to).

I was fine.
Husband was very supportive.
I didn't stay in Vegas the whole time he was there...quickly flew in and out to attend the function that I needed to attend.

Also...before that trip...I told my husband..that I felt very strong...and I was sure that I'd be fine in Vegas (especially if he were with me...there was no WAY I could gamble, even if I decided to)...but....I was concerned that being there could awaken something in me....and that when I got HOME I might start scheming/planning/gambling.

It didn't happen...but making him aware of that possibility, in advance, when I was still 'sane', seemed like a good idea.

it was.

So I've been to Vegas a few times since then. Each time, I probably prepared less and less (it wasn't nearly as scary...I'd done it successfully before)...and about nine months ago when I was there...it was disturbing.
the machines did sort of call to me.
just a little.
not that I was going to gamble....not then...not even in the near future...but my thinking started changing from 'I'm never going to gamble again' back to.... I could envision possible circumstances in the future....maybe one day....

But I'm still active in recovery...meaning...I read often recovery related materials AND I stay connected with others in recovery (and also with others who still suffer)....and I guess...even tho I haven't been writing the blog regularly...it is still a very strong part of my recovery too.

So when I got home...I talked about those feelings....and regained my sanity :) and went about the business of living my life.

Again, my recovery was strong and gambling was not an option. Not even something I desired to do....not even a little bit. Ever.

So....
back to my story....

The rest of my family was flying home and I was staying for a few more days....then....all alone, I was going to drive six hours to Vegas and fly home.

I booked that trip without even realizing the implications of that.

But when it occurred to me that day....my brain became 'hijacked'....and that is a very good word to use for it..... it was like something or someone else (not the smart, strong woman who sits here today writing this) was in control.

I emailed a friend....explained what was going on.

So over the next few days my friend and I discussed this...and made a plan....
my friend would call me as I arrived in Las Vegas and we would talk until I boarded the plane.

or...
that was my FRIENDS plan....

meanwhile...I was making other plans....
my thinking went something like this.....

there are many casinos along the route into Vegas...I could stop at one of them...but...what if I was unable to leave (has happened so many times)....and I missed my plane? how would I explain that?
or....in any event....I had to not be RUSHING...so that I could take that phone call from my friend and PRETEND that I was OK and that I was GOING to be OK....
so stopping at a casino was a bad idea.
but that was ok...because the airport is full of slot machines.

I could start the drive to Vegas really early.....and arrive at the airport much earlier than I'd planned...and be able to gamble for a while before my friend called.

so I started the drive early.

and for six hours...my mind was racing...about the possibilities.
It wasn't all pure determination to gamble....the voice of reason was still there...
so it was six hours of back and forth....do this, no do that....no...this would work...yes but...

even though the voice of reason was there....and the battle raged...I knew in my heart that I was going to gamble that day.

although I still planned to gamble at the airport....somehow, the smart voice convinced me so stop for a while at McDonalds to kill some time. I got a coffee.

I texted my husband that I was struggling.

We texted back and forth a few times....I told him I'd be OK....a friend was going to phone me.

But I still planned to gamble.

I TOLD my friend that I'd text when I was arriving at the airport....but that wasn't really practical. I had to turn in my rental car...then get my boarding passes...go through security...can't do all of that on the phone.....so I decided to wait until I got to the gate to text.

and as I walked to the gate..there were some machines (they are everywhere really)....that were one of my favorites...in the 'old' days. maybe twenty machines...a few people were playing....and I came so very very close to sitting down....

except...

I was still pretty far away from my gate....and I KNOW myself well enough to know...that I can get lost in it....forget time....and even tho I'm right here at the airport...I could miss my flight if I stop here....

there will be machines right at my gate...best to play there.

why will i play?
if i win a million dollars that would be bad.... I don't want anyone to know I've played....even for a million dollars...
if i win $1200 I will get a tax form....bad
so I don't want to win.
I just want to play.
so I want to lose.
I want to put my money in....losing it all would be fine...or leaving with what I started with would be fine.
so why would I do this?
because I want to play.
no one will ever know...
and it's a one-time thing...it's not like I'm going to return to the cycle...this is a one time opportunity..I won't ordinarily have these circumstances... I will do it this once..then no more.

but...
I was about two months away from my four year anniversary (clean-time)..... which means....
either...
I would have to come here....and tell the world what I'd done (shame...why shame?)....ORRRR
I could let ALL of the people who are going to send me emails and congratulate me on websites BELIEVE I hadn't gambled....
lie.
I couldn't even imagine what THAT shame would feel like.

So I'd have to tell...and I want to lose.

but still...I was going to play.

I arrive at the gate....and decide to talk to my friend...and THEN I will play.

I text.... we talk.

I will tell my friend that it's time to board before it is actually time...then I will play til it's time to board.

My friend's family is sitting down to dinner...."go eat" I say... "I will be fine".

"are you sure?"

"yes, I'm sure"

I am sure I am going to gamble.

we hang up.

I can play.

I am GOING to play.

I want to play so badly.

I have many phone numbers in my cell....friends in recovery.

I call one.

"Are you busy? I need to talk"

and we do....until they call me to board.

I am watching people press the button press the button press the button press the button the whole time we are talking.

and i want to press the button too.

but I talk instead.

and I board the plane.

and I am sad...that I missed the opportunity to gamble.

but I am relieved.
SO SO SO relieved that I made it.....safe and sound...still whole...no shame...no lies.

and it took a few days before my brain REALLY belonged to me again.

and it scares the HELL out of me how that happened...and how powerful it was....... it was the "mental blank spot" that the combo book talks about.....

I'm still going to Vegas in March....but this time....I will be prepared.

Very well prepared.

What other people think of me

Since I've been in recovery I've heard it said that "what other people think about you is none of your business".

Yesterday I said I care a lot less about what other people think of me than I used to.

I don't mean that I can treat people badly because it doesn't matter if they like me or not.

It means.... I will treat them well....because it is who I am.....and whether or not they like me is really of no consequence.

I used to care a whole lot if people didn't like me.

I needed people to like me even when I DIDN'T like them!

the difference is not in how I behave...but how I THINK...

I used to do the RIGHT things for the WRONG reasons.
now I do the RIGHT things for the RIGHT reasons (because it's the right thing to do!)

well

that's the goal anyway :)

Sharing that I'm a CG

When I first sought help for my gambling problem I was full of shame.

I had hurt my family.

I was out of control.

My thinking didn't make any sense (I didn't know any other young mothers who were watching the clock Christmas (every holiday) morning....anxious to go to the casino with the other family members who wanted to gamble.)

I didn't know any other mothers who couldn't go to the grocery store without stopping someplace to play video poker for a few minutes (which sometimes turned into hours).

Even if I wasn't so embarrassed about it...how on earth could I explain this to my friends (the few I still had).

At first, I shared this only with family members.
I had to do that..since many of them gamble...I needed them to know that I would no longer be going and why.

with time, I began sharing it with others...people who care about me....who would continue to care about me even if I had a gambling problem :)

the more people that knew, the safer i was.

but it's more than that.....
harboring a SECRET is painful.....
and keeping a secret makes it SEEM like it's shameful.

so now, it's something that I share freely.

my children didn't know for many years...but now I speak openly to them about it.

I am often surprised at how freely my husband shares this information...even with business associates....

I would think I might be embarrassed to tell someone that my spouse had a gambling problem.

he's not.

I'm not embarrassed about it anymore either.
Time heals I suppose.....

and I guess I care what people think of me a lot less than I used to.

Complete abstinence?

So I've been having lots of conversations with my children (18 and 16 yrs) about alcohol, drugs, addiction in general.

I strongly believe that what is wrong with me is not 'compulsive gambling' or 'gambling addiction' but ADDICTION.

I say that even tho I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I do believe that not all addicts are like me....some people are 'normal' until they get hooked....usually on some highly addictive substance like crystal meth or heroin.

but folks like me.....I believe that there's something about my genetic makeup that makes me more susceptible to becoming dependent on some substance (or activity).

I believe that my children are more susceptible too.

So we've been talking a lot...

One of the things that I've explained to them is why I choose not to gamble at ALL. for ANYTHING.

Now I know that there are compulsive gamblers out there who manage to gamble on this or that (not thier 'drug' of choice) without any real problems....and I believe that's fine if it works for them....but it doesn't work for me.

here's why;

While I have gambled in a variety of ways over the years...my 'love' was slot machines and video poker.

I know that playing a football pool or buying a lottery ticket doesn't 'do it' for me (no instant gratification).... so those things are 'safe' for me to do.

and they really are.

except

I have a brain that wants to be high.

even tho I don't want to gamble...I don't want that life...I really have no desire to gamble at all...

somewhere inside of me...there is a part of me that sort of, kind of, does.


so

if I were to buy scratch off tickets (I am speaking from experience here)... I might be fine.
maybe i would buy them occasionally...no problem

except...that part of my brain that always wants to be high, regardless of what the rest of me wants....

THAT part of me starts saying things like "ok....stay away from slots and video poker...but you could go to the casino and play blackjack...that would be safe just like lotto'

you see where this is heading.

I choose not to do things that give that voice power. any sort of gambling at all does that (for me).

So a big part of staying 'sober' is learning how to be smarter than myself (the part of me that DOESN'T want to be sober).

ANYWAY....

since gambling has caused such awful problems in my life...it is a no-brainer that I've got to do everything in my power to stay clear of that.

but what about alcohol? drugs?

as I said, I haven't 'crossed the invisible line' with anything other than gambling...BUT...

I am very careful with (potentially addictive) medications and alcohol.... because occasionally that 'other' part of my brain will speak to me about these things too.

I'm not going down this road again.

So my teenagers think I'm just an old fogey...they roll their eyes when we have these conversations (ummm when *I* have these conversations)...
but that's OK.

either...none of this applies to them...and they will never understand what I'm talking about (this would be my preference)...
or....
if and when they ever struggle with these things...maybe something I've said about my own experience will be of help to them at that time.

For me, maintaining my freedom from gambling means staying away from ALL forms of gambling.

Life is so much better when we stop gambling.

"Life sure does get better when we stop gambling."

I hear that over and over again from people in recovery.

and they're right.

but does it mean that life is easy?
that we don't have problems?

sheezzz...i wish.

often...when we stop gambling our life is in shambles.
relationships are a mess.
finances are a mess.
mentally-- i was hanging by a thread.

Now, nearly four years on (can I possibly have done that?...not gambled for nearly four years?)... some of my relationships are great.
some are still a mess.

some of that isn't my doing....but things aren't good just the same.

my finances aren't so great, but it isn't due to bad behavior on my part....my husband and I have been very responsible and got everything back in order....but things happen...unexpected expenses arise....so financially we are struggling BUT.... we ARE able to take care of these unexpected events...painful as it is.

No, life is not rosy -- but

is it supposed to be?

there've definately been times in my life when things were going pretty well...but that doesn't seem to be the norm...whether I'm gambling or not.

so while I still suffer from time to time with anxiety, depression, relationship and financial problems....

NONE of those problems are as severe as they were when I was gambling.
I am not sneaking and hiding and lying and full of guilt with that constant chatter in my head that doesn't allow me to rest...ever....

while I DO have problems, there are also moments when I am able to relax...and enjoy myself....times when I can put my problems aside and just BE.

I do that when I'm working...when I'm physically active....I forget about the b.s. and just DO what I'm DOING (gardening, cleaning, etc.)

I do it when I'm in good company...visiting with friends and family...laughing, talking...being in the moment.

I suffer (emotionally) when I am idle...alone...with time to worry.
but it's nothing like what was happening inside of me when i was gambling.
well...WHILE i was gambling I was fine.
it was AFTER gambling that the mind chatter started.

I wonder how many folks relapse because they are under the impression that if they stop gambling life will be wonderful.
wonder why anyone would think that...I mean...life wasn't wonderful BEFORE I started gambling.

Recovery, for me, includes learning to deal with life, whatever it throws at me.

and while life still isn't EASY...it certainly is BETTER now that I'm not gambling..
at least I'm not ADDING to my problems by gambling....
and frankly....while I'm active...tho I BELIEVE that it is fun or that I love it and/or need it.... all gambling really does is add to my problems.

so yeah...even with all of the pain...Life is still better now that I'm not gambling.

Families of Compulsive Gamblers

When I first started writing this blog I sort of expected to take some heat for it.

I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it (emotionally) because I was pretty fragile...and I've always been sensitive to criticism of any kind.

But there's a lot of people in 12 step programs that believe if a person isn't working the steps and attending meetings and blah blah blah, that they don't have any sort of 'real' recovery....and it's inevitable that you'll relapse (most of the people who work the steps and attend meetings also relapse)...anyway....I sort of anticipated that some of those folks would disagree loudly.

To my surprise, I have never gotten the backlash I expected.

But one day last week someone did leave an anonymous comment on one of my blog entries...it was an old entry....and to save you the trouble of searching for the comment, (and since it was posted publicly) I'll re-post it here...

The comment was made on my post entitled "Rushing/Worrying": "then why don't you worry about the money you spend on those casino machines and the money you won't have when youu need to put in gas to take your kid to school again so you can get all pissed off and spend more money you need . "

My initial response was to recoil.
I'm being reprimanded.
I don't like to get in trouble...I don't like to disappoint.

but that reaction only lasted for a few seconds....and I read the comment again....and again.

This person knows me....
but this person knows me in an entirely different way than most of you do.
this person has obviously been on the OTHER side of someone's gambling addiction.

I've heard from family members of gamblers in the past...people who are hurting or have been hurt by gamblers....but in the past, those people find me....and wonder how THEIR loved one can be 'ok'.....

this person is angry.

my heart breaks for them. "the money you won't have when you need to put gas in to take your kid to school".

It must be difficult to love us.

Especially because in many cases we are very lovable people when we aren't in action.... but at any time we can turn into someone you don't know and destroy your world...spend your grocery money...or the mortgage...or your retirement fund...everything you have.

Funny that I've been thinking about this blog entry for a few days, and just this morning I received an email from a friend who said "I have been reading the wrong stuff. Reading about gamblers and their self obsessed life has helped but now what is eye opening to me is reading about families of gamblers and their experiences. Sons, daughters and wives of gamblers. The damage done to relationships. The pain we cause. Well I don't have to be like that. I can step out of it. I can do this now."

Yes.
You can.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Note to the person who sent me an email last night.....

Is it possible that you could go to yahoo or hotmail or google mail and set up an email account that no one would know about, so it would be private and we could correspond?

But first....(and I mean this literally)...take a deep breath.
really. stop reading for a minute, close your eyes and take a long deep breath.

I will send you my cell number if you'd like to speak, and/or if you could set up an email account we could write....
or....I could write to you here, like this, if it works for you..... 'the world' won't know who you are, but they will 'hear' everything I say to you.

whatever you're comfortable with.
hugs