When they don't understand this....

When I told him....he was....

ya know...I can't even name my OWN feelings...guess I shouldn't try to name anyone elses.

but it was pretty bad between us for a while.

at first, I was like a puppy dog ...who knew they had done wrong....walking around with my tail between my legs...

shortly after I told him, I found a dr. so I could get anti depressants (no doubt I needed them)...and he set me up with a therapist.

i saw her once a week.

she suggested that I not give up my power.

she said.....that if I did...my marrige would no longer be a partnership....and that once one gave up their power it was very very difficult to get it back.

geez....life was not easy then....
I was full of shame and regret....and I was embarrassed.....but I was at a g.a. meeting...and there was this old- timer said something that made a light bulb go off for me....

so I decided...

I have no control over how he feels.
I cannot make him understand this.
there's no point in trying.

I don't even NEED him to get this (although....at one time, I thought it was important).

the only thing I needed to concern myself with....was taking care of ME...and doing what *I* was supposed to do.

so sometimes...he would say mean things to me...out of anger....and a part of me would want to fight back...and a part of me would want to cower with shame....but instead...I would think about what I was doing RIGHT...and that...no matter WHAT he said...or WHAT he thought...I WAS NOT GAMBLING :)

and *HE* might not think that was a big deal (it should be easy! just don't do it!!!)...but *I KNEW THAT IT WAS*....

i knew that it was.
every day that i didn't gamble....i felt better...stronger....

well...not every day.....some days I had those mood swings that I talk about...my moods were extremely volitile...but....generally speaking, things got better and better....

and when *HE* was having a bad day....

I would let him.

and when *HE* would say something mean or hurtful...

I would let it go.

no need to get angry with him.
what good would that do?

*I* knew the truth.

*I* knew how good I was doing.

HOw could I expect him to care? or even BELIEVE me?

it didn't matter.

I knew.

so as long as I held on to that...and kept doing the next right thing....

slowly

gradually

things changed.

I didn't do anything BIG or SPECIAL or dramatic....it was very small, unnoticable things...

and suddenly...I realized....everything was different.