Friday, August 1, 2008

When your spouse doesn't know...

Some of the people that I talk to gamble WITH their spouse...I mean....they BOTH gamble compulsively.

That seems to have it's own set of (additional) problems.

Most of us.....if we're part of a couple.....have partners who are completely unaware.

Ohhhhhh...usually, the spouse knows that we GAMBLE...they just don't know to what extent.

Often...the spouse trusts us unconditionally and doesn't even bother to look at bank or credit card need...we are taking good care of the finances.

in 2001....when the debt was mounting and I KNEW that it was gonna come out sooner or later.....(although...I sort of pushed it in the back of my mind...I KNEW it would happen, yet I PRETENDED it wouldn't?)....and I knew, beyong the shadow of a doubt, that he would leave me once he knew (or....he would ask ME to leave).

I knew he would.

there was no doubt in my mind.....I could not have fathomed a scenario where he would stay.

When I attended that very first g.a. meeting..whenever that was...?1999?...I sobbed the entire time....they told me to TELL HIM....that pissed me off...AS IF I would do that!!!

as soon as he found was all over.

They told me that he would understand.

what did they know?

they didn't know HIM....that's for d*mn sure.

Now....I'm not saying that people don't leave...because I *DO* know people who have lost their families over this....and I'm sure that there are exceptions (I would have my betting days.....that *I* was gonna be the exception)...but....because of the amount of SHAME that we is difficult for us to imagine that someone could forgive us.

Time and time again, I have seen people underestimate their loved ones.

Myself included.

Oh.....don't get me wrong...he was p*ssed off (and with good reason!)....and things weren't good between us for quite a while (and with good reason!!!!)


the change in unmistakable....

not long ago I got a phone call from a friend who was suffering....I excused myself to another room and had my conversation....when I came back, I apologized to my husband, explaining that my friend needed me...and he said  "I understand.  If I were ever in a situation where I needed to talk to someone, I would want it to be you on the other end of the line."

that *HE* would say that to me.
after all that I've done *TO HIM*....

and I was so certain...that he would leave.

when we were just away on this was a working vacation for him....he had some he comes back to the room one afternoon....had spent the better part of the day with this acquaintance that he is fond of.....and he tells me that he told the guy....about me (ie I have a gambling problem)...and I just LOOKED at him....surprised that he would do that....

and he said to me  "I'm not embarrassed about it....and neither should you be."

and he's right.

It took time for him to get took time for *ME* to get here.

Ya know...even AFTER I told him what I'd done....and we were still together...working it out....I sort of thought that....we would stay married...but things between us could never ever ever be alright again.

no way.

He was angry ...for a long time he was angry....but I just decided that the only thing that I could do the NEXT RIGHT THING....

I couldn't undo all that I'd done..but I can do the NEXT RIGHT THING right now...

and when you do that

over and over and over again (ummm to the best of my ability)....

you change.

and when YOU change....eventually.....everybody around you notices....and they change too.

There is hope.

Even when you're sure there isn't.....there is.

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