Make a Decision

definitions:

Decision- a position or opinion or judgment reached after consideration; the act of making up your mind about something

Choice-the act of choosing or selecting


When one has an urge that they do not act on...they have made a choice...they have two options....they pick one.

A DECISION, however, is a POSITION....it is a PLAN...it is not a one time 'choice'.

We have to make a DECISION that we are done.

Some people might argue that this 'disease' is not progressive.

OK, fine.

For some people, maybe it won't get any worse.

I imagine that, if anyone is reading this...things don't NEED to get worse...they are bad enough.

sooooooo

let's suppose they DON'T get any worse.

what one must ask themselves is....

is THIS....is this good enough? is THIS the life I want?

Often, I believe...people don't make DECISIONS about their lives...oh...I made some...but...a big part of who I am and where I am today is just because ....? it happened?

I married my first husband when I was 19 years old because of circumstances....we were in a relationship and it seemed to be the 'next step'....I just 'went with the flow'....many of the jobs that I have taken just sort of 'came about'...and many of the decisions that i HAVE made....well...they were actually choices.

LONG TERM GOAL - geez...that's never been me....I'm an instant gratification kinda gal..I don't want to work or wait for anything...I want it all and I want it NOW!!!

That kind of thinking...and lack of planning has gotten me into lots of trouble (note I said FIRST husband) even apart from gambling.

In order to free myself...I had to acknowledge that...unless I took some sort of ACTION..things were NOT going to get better (and in all likelihood would get worse)...

I had to Understand that...even though I thought that no one else could ever have been as bad off as I was...they probably were....AND.....if others could beat this..and find happiness...SO COULD I...

I had to DECIDE what kind of a life I wanted...then...every moment of every day...make the choices that coincide with that decision.

Urges

Some people have urges throughout their lives...even after years of abstinence.

Others do not.

*I* believe that it has a lot to do with how we THINK about it..and it takes a WHILE to get here...it is a process...but..for a long time...not gambling felt like I was being DEPRIVED of something...that voice in my head would often say things like..'who could blame me?'or'i DESERVE it'

like it was some sort of reward.

I don't see it that way any more.

Gambling was my master.
I was in a prison...
I was not free to make my own choices or to
..well...
I was not free to do ANYTHING else!!!

today...i am free.

i have no desire to gamble.

if i KNEW that tomorrow I could gamble normally (which, i believe...I would never be able to do)..I would not gamble...

today...it holds nothing for me.

I want my life.

I deserve to be happy.

so do you.

*note: More on Urges HERE

Spirituality

In a recent email correspondence... I was chatting with a friend about recovery…and I quoted this from the g.a. combo book:

They concluded from their discussions that in order to prevent a relapse it was necessary to bring about certain character changes within themselves. In order to accomplish this, they used a for a guide certain spiritual principles which had been utilized by thousands of people who were recovering from other compulsive addictions. The word spiritual can be said to describe those characteristics of the human mind that represent the highest and finest qualities suck as kindness, generosity, honest and humility. Also, in order to maintain their own abstinence they felt that it was vitally important that they carry the message of hope to other compulsive gamblers.


kindness, generosity, honest and humility - yeah…working on that…still plenty of work to do…but working on that…and it is making remarkable changes in my life. The changes that I am making…

I STARTED on this path because of a gambling problem….the thing is…I am not WORKING on a gambling problem…I don’t ever struggle with urges…I am finding that…working on these qualities is simply enhancing my life….and…

again from my email:

a recent weekend away kind of crystallized for me..the fact that....when I behave ...ummmm...errr... when my life is not centered around the highest and finest qualities (kindness, generous, honesty and humility) I look like a person who may or may not gamble...not necessarily that it would be a problem .......I look like a person who may or may not gamble for entertainment, even......but...in contrast.......the peg that I am becoming..the peg that I am.....gambling and me now....the two are not harmonious...it cannot be...there is no way that I could possibly gamble AND be this peg.


So….I am working on my spirituality….and the gambling thing is just falling into place, along with many other aspects of my life.

But not all of them.....but then...

I'm not done yet :)

Reasons NOT to go to a meeting.

'I might run into someone that I know. I don't want my employer/friends/anyone to find out.'

'I'm not like them.'

'They will judge me.'

'I'll be so embarrassed.'

'I will cry the entire time.'

'I'm tired.'

'The weather is bad.'

'It's too far to drive.'

'I'm sick.'

'I'm not a meeting sort of person.'

AND

the biggest reason TO go to a meeting? We cannot do this alone.

At least *I* couldn't.

I'm sure there are exceptions...surely there are people out there who have done this all by themselves....but

me? yeah...I quit by myself...about a thousand times!
the next day, I was right back at it...

It is so difficult for me to explain (or even understand) how or why this worked for me (and for so many) but... once I found a community..a FELLOWSHIP (defined: an association of people who share common beliefs or activities)...that made all of the difference for me.

Many people that I've spoken with were terrified to attend their first meeting..and once there, felt so much RELIEF.

sooooo

to address some of those 'reasons' (excuses) ---

First of all...there is a part of us now that's sole job is to talk us into gambling...we may not WANT to gamble..but there is a part of us that does...and that part is going to kick and scream about anything that might help us to stop...it wants to gamble at all costs...so it does not want us to seek help.

Being aware that that 'voice' exists can be an important tool in fighting addiction.

meetings - Many of us don't want others to know we have a gambling problem...funny....we didn't mind that they knew that we gambled???

I didn't think I was like 'them' either....and I imagine that if I walked into a g.a. room 20 or even 15 years ago...I wouldn't have had much in common with those folks (men) other than the fact that I am a c.g....but.....things are changing....gambling is everywhere...all sorts of people (ME!!!!) are becoming addicted...young, old, rich, poor, educated....it does not discriminate.... we do have ONE thing in common...and that's the only thing that matters, really....if we want help.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyone at a meeting was once at their FIRST meeting...and...most people felt all of these things at their first meeting...shame and fear....our two biggest obstacles to getting better.

As far as being tired, too far to drive, etc..... most of us would've jumped through all sorts of hoops in order to gamble...we went to great lengths...yet...we aren't willing to put out very much effort at all to get help.

and the biggie....I don't DO meetings. That was me. The thing is...I didn't know where ELSE to go...it's all I had....so I went....I am so glad that I did.

I now have other tools also....and other 'fellowships' (online communities)...but... I remain OPEN and WILLING....because I know where I've been...and I want my life.

I would recommend to anyone who is admitting to themself that they have a gambling problem....don't discount anything..don't listen to anyone..this is too big...this is too important...this is YOUR LIFE....check out everything...learn everything....find what works for you.

I am open to anything that may help me.

This is my LIFE.
I want it.

What about G.A.?

Is G.A. the only way to stop gambling?

Most gamblers anonymous members would tell you that it is. For some people, I imagine that is true.

I have found, however, that much of what one HEARS from G.A. members is not necessarily what the LITERATURE says..what the PROGRAM is about.

The Gamblers Anonymous Program is based on the Original 12 step Program, Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book of AA defines the program and 'How it Works'... it talks about people who do not thoroughly follow the program and says "Their chances are less than average."

What the Literature says about the Gamblers Anonymous Program and stopping gambling:

The following are excerpts from the G.A. 'combo book'-

They concluded from their discussions that in order to prevent a relapse it was necessary to bring about certain character changes within themselves. In order to accomplish this, they used for a guide certain spiritual principles which had been utilized by thousands of people who were recovering from other compulsive addictions. The word spiritual can be said to describe those characteristics of the human mind that represent the highest and finest qualities such as kindness, generosity, honesty and humility. Also, in order to maintain their own abstinence they felt that it was vitally important that they carry the message of hope to other compulsive gamblers.

snip snip

Gamblers Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from a gambling problem.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling. There are no dues or fees for Gamblers Anonymous membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions.

snip snip

We learned we had to concede fully to our innermost selves that we are compulsive gamblers. This is the first step in our recovery. With reference to gambling, the delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

snip snip

Here are the steps which are a program of recovery. (*note..it does not say THE program of recovery)

snip snip

What is the first thing a compulsive gambler ought to do in order to stop gambling?
The compulsive gambler needs to be willing to accept the fact that he or she is in the grip of a progressive illness and has a desire to get well. Our experience has shown that the Gamblers Anonymous program will always work for any person who has a desire to stop gambling. However, will never work for the person who will not face squarely the facts about this illness.

snip snip

How does someone stop gambling through the Gamblers Anonymous program?
One does this through bringing about a progressive character change within oneself. This can be accomplished by having faith in - and following - the basic concepts of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery and Unity Programs.
There are no short cuts in gaining this faith and understanding. To recover from one of the most baffling, insidious, compulsive addictions will require diligent effort. HONESTY, OPENMINDEDNESS, AND WILLINGNESS are the key words in our recovery.

snip snip

Why can't a compulsive gambler simply use willpower to stop gambling?
We believe that most people, if they are honest, will recognize their lack of power to solve certain problems. When it comes to gambling, we have know many problem gamblers who could abstain for long stretches, but caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances, they started gambling without thought of the consequences. The defenses they relied upon, through will power alone, gave way before some trivial reason for placing a bet. We have found that will power and self-knowledge will not help in those mental blank spots, but adherence to spiritual principals seems to solve our problems. Most of us feel that a belief in a Power greater than ourselves is necessary in order for us to sustain a desire to refrain from gambling.

snip snip

From the 'Sharing Recovery through Gamblers Anonymous' book:

Ultimately, to be rehabilitated, the compulsive gambler has to choose to break out of this destructive pattern. Realizing that such a choice exists is but the first step, however, and true recovery takes much more time and effort.

The question arises of where to go for help -- to a clergyman, doctor, therapist or friend. While the choice of any one of these counselors represents an affirmative step, it is unfortunate that the chances of rehabilitation through any of them are slim. One-on-one analysis, by itself, has a very poor record of helping compulsive gamblers.

What does work well is support therapy, and that is what the Fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous provides. This group accepts as a member any person who expresses a desire to stop gambling. Many thousands of compulsive gamblers have been rehabilitated through Gamblers Anonymous, and it is the most successful and effective means toward recovery that exists.

I love gamblers anonymous. I love the people and the program. Much of what I have learned from the PEOPLE about the program...does not appear to be supported by the literature.

For example... 'meetings make it' - well....this actually *IS* in the literature (the combo book)...but... I know many people, myself included, who have left gamblers anonymous meetings and drove straight to the casino.

I also know people who attend several meetings per week and have done so for years...and continue to gamble.

While meetings can be a wonderful, uplifting experience and often times...attending a meeting can give one the strength and clarity to continue to make the right choices....in my opinion...attending meetings is (alone) NOT going to help most of us 'make it'.

Most of the people that I have encountered at G.A. believe that if they miss a meeting or two, they will gamble...they are afraid not to go...they live in fear of returning to it...well...considering the misery that we know it holds and knowing what is at risk for many of us if we return to the cycle...I suppose that's understandable...but the LITERATURE does not support this...and much of the 12 step philosiphy is about ridding ones self of fear.

I have seen many people, myself included, discouraged from questioning things...I have heard that 'we don't need to know why' and it has even been implied that...the people who must figure it out...end up gambling again 'People who try to figure it out, go back out'....the literature says, 'Perhaps' when asked if it is important to know why we gambled .

Well....it is important to ME.

What it comes down to is...this is MY recovery.

This is MY life!!!!

Responsibility for how I live it rests squarely on MY shoulders.

the Gamblers Anonymous program helped me to do that...to take my life back.

How do I stop?

Occasionally, we experience ‘moments of clarity’.

We can clearly look at what’s going on in our lives…at what we’re doing and see the futility of it.

We know we must do something.

For most of us…these ‘moments of clarity’ do not last long….and we DON’t do anything when we have them…so the cycle continues.

In order to save ourselves…to break free…we must DECIDE that THIS IS IT.

We have two options…either continue gambling…where the pain will get worse…the shame will increase, the CONSEQUENCES will become more and more dire…and eventually we WILL have to face them….eventually we will not have the financial resources to continue…or…we will just become
tired of it all…tired of being anxious and worrying all of the time…tired of being broke...tired of the lies...tired of being tired.

Or
We can decide…right now..right this moment…that we must save ourselves…this isn’t going to go away on it’s own…this is NOT going to get better unless we DO SOMETHING.

The first thing one must do is stop gambling.

Easier said than done, I know.

In the beginning…I could not make the choice to not gamble (when I wasn’t having a moment of clarity)…soooo I had to TAKE AWAY MY CHOICE…REMOVE THE OPPORTUNITY.

It was hard..because…as much as I wanted to stop gambling…I did NOT want to stop gambling.

I didn’t really want to stop gambling at all…I wanted gambling to stop hurting me.

One needs money to gamble….figure out ways to protect yourself…if you gamble with cash, then carry a minimal amount of money with you….if you are an internet gambler…cancel credit card accounts.

Allow someone else to handle your finances for a while…until you ARE able to make good choices.

If you may be depressed, contact your doctor to determine whether or not medication should be prescribed.

Some doctors believe that some medications could assist the 'addict' in overcoming an addiction.

Consider banning yourself…install gamblock on your pc.

BUILD A SUPPORT SYSTEM.

The more people who know about our problem (I know..that’s a toughie…we are so ashamed) the safer we are.

Find other compulsive gamblers…attend a g.a. meeting…or find a group online (there are many) and TELL YOUR STORY…get it out…we have been alone with this for too long….it is so difficult to do this on our own…and people who have been through this and no longer suffer….they want to help.

Let them.

Reach out.

and then......we must change the way we Think and the way we Live......

*************************************************************************

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. -- Maria Robinson

ENOUGH

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he or she is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (they are entitled to their own views and opinions)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that you don' t have the right to demand love on your terms. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want -- and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you decide you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you make more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes "bad" things happen to unsuspecting good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

written by an AA member as a testament to her Spiritual Awakening

Odds

I often hear people talk about the fact that...the odds are against us...that it's not a SMART thing to gamble.

Well

I know that for ME...it doesn't matter WHAT the odds are...it is not a smart thing for ME to gamble.

If my odds of winning were increased...all that would mean is that I could gamble longer.

I STILL would not walk away with money.

I STILL would not walk away any sooner.

I didn't gamble to get money...that is a lie that many of us tell ourselves...if we gambled to get money, we would leave when we are ahead.

How many times did I walk into the casino and hit a large jackpot in the first few minutes? Many....so...... did I leave? NO WAY!!! I came to PLAY!!!

If my odds had been better...the difference it would've made for me is that I would've gambled longer....it would simply have taken me longer to get to this 'place' in my life....

I cannot win...because even if i 'hit'...i cannot stop.

Free will?

This is NOT a behavior problem. This is a BRAIN problem.

We are not bad....but there are things that we can do to help ourselves...we must find a way to do so.

Then, The Infinite Mind's Marit Haahr reports on a fascinating study that shows a possible link between the dopamine drugs given for Parkinson's disease and compulsive gambling. If a change in dopamine levels can turn a thrifty doctor into a high-stakes gambler, that's important evidence of the biological underpinnings of a disorder often stigmatized as a personality flaw.

Dopamine plays a crucial role in motivating and rewarding our behavior. But what do we actually SEE when we look at how it works inside the brain? Dr. Goodwin then interviews Dr. Hans Breiter, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and an expert in brain imaging.

Dr. Breiter has been studying the reward circuitry in the brain, which involves dopamine neurons and dopamine-producing regions of the brain. He says these reward systems were first discovered in rodents -- researchers found that when they placed an electrode in a certain part of a rodent's brain, the animal would repeatedly press a key to deliver electrical stimulation to that area. With modern imaging techniques, we're now able to see these same circuits in the human brain, and we can begin to understand the systems that underlie motivation. He says, "These systems underlie what is at the core of what you might call free will, what is that core of what drives us to do anything at all.""These systems underlie what is at the core of what you might call free will, what is that core of what drives us to do anything at all."

http://www.lcmedia.com/mind330.htm

Can I ever gamble normally again?

I don't know if you can.

I know that *I* cannot.

Abstinence is the only answer for me.

I suspect that if you are not sure whether or not you can ever gamble normally again, you shall try :)

* * * *
When I was in the cycle...I would often decide that I had to get my gambling 'under control' and that THIS time I would stick to my limit (time, money, whatever limit I set that day)...and I rarely did....

towards the end...I usually left pretty desperate...I'd done it AGAIN...and things..were getting worse and worse...I was juggling finances....intercepting the mail...I was in a constant state of panic - unless I was gambling.

I would feel such anxiety...and somehow, I would find a way to fix the current crisis...to get thru it..and I would vow that it ends here...I would not gamble again.

It usually only took a day or so for me to forget all of that pain...to minimize it and begin justifying the unjustifiable...and I was back at it.

Thus, the term, 'cycle'.

* * * * * * *

In recovery, people talk about 'complacency'.

A definition - A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy.


I first began 'recovery' (I use that term loosely here) in 2002. I abstained from gambling for 20 months.

During that time, I would sometimes think "maybe I wasn't so bad?"
"maybe I exaggerated the problem"
"my gambling definately got out of hand, but, maybe now that I have had this 'break' I will be able to control it..I have LEARNED so much about it...so I will have power over it now"

Maybe I wasn't so bad???????????

I WAS that bad....I DEFINATELY was that bad.

* * * * * * *

The day that I broke my abstinence, in 2004...I didn't gamble longer than I had planned...I didn't gamble more money than I had planned :)

I was fine.

I didn't go back for a few days...I was in control.

It was just more justification....giving myself 'permission' to return.

I did fine the next time too.

But...before I knew it...I was right back in the cycle...my brain had once again become hi-jacked...I was no longer 'me'.

* * * * * * *
If you Do, if you MUST try...if you just have to know it for yourself...as soon as you know that you are in trouble again.....reach out...don't suffer alone...there is no shame....do not spend one more minute in the misery than you must.

They say:

Some people learn by reading,
Some people learn by observing others,
Some of us have to pee on the electric fence for ourselves.

I peed on the fence.

I remember

I remember....

I always 'settled in' at a machine....I found a machine I liked (or played one I didn't care for..waiting for 'my' machine to come available)...I didn't bounce around too much.

Some gamblers don't hide where they are from their families...and I didn't always....my husband knew I gambled...he just didn't know I did it every DAY and for hours upon hours...and how much money I was blowing :(

but some gamblers...if their spouse calls and says...'when are you coming home?' or 'come home now' they don't. they can't leave, even tho they must.

I didn't do that....it was too important for me to keep the secret (well....blowing the secret would mean it would all come crashing down...and I would never be 'allowed' to play again!)...sooooooo
there was always SOME sort of deadline...it might be 12 hours..but there was a deadline.

I didn't usually PLAN to spend my whole day gambling...I would say to myself...I will just spend x amount of money...or I will stay for x amount of time.

when x had passed...i would set a new limit....or say...when i hit my next jackpot I will go...when i did....i would say...well...not THIS jackpot!...just 20 more minutes blah blah blah

I couldn't stop.

This was my 'normal' for so long.

I didn't just spend my money there...I spent my life.

Money/Debt

When I was in the cycle, I thought money was the root of my problems…Money also seemed to be the only answer to my problems.

Many Compulsive Gamblers tend to exhaust all funds available to them. Family savings, college education or retirement funds disappear. We max out credit cards, we take out loans, we sell jewelry and other things of value...remortgage our homes....often, we do not stop until our resources are exhausted.

Over and over again, we realize how much trouble we're in...how out of control things have become and we vow to stop. We MUST stop.
If only we can get out of this mess....so we take out a loan or a second mortgage in order to consolidate our debts.

Relief.

All is well.

This crisis has passed.

Inevitably we begin gambling again....

only to find ourselves back in the same debt we were in before PLUS that consolidation loan :(

some of us are able to consolidate again,
and again.

Debt is often the reason that we seek help.

I know that when *I* attended my first g.a. meeting, I didn't want to stop gambling....I wanted a loan.

It feels like debt is the problem.
G.A. says this addiction isn't a financial problem (although we often have created them). They also say that our financial problems are often the easiest to solve.

As I sobbed through my SECOND g.a. meeting (several years after the first one)...I scoffed at that line....this financial problem was the biggest problem I had ever faced...and likely I would never be free of it.

Overwhelming debt is also the reason that many people relapse..thinking...I'll STOP this time..I'll WIN and I'll STOP...and then I can pay off some of this DEBT!

Gambling is not the way out of debt for compulsive gamblers.

I cannot play because even if I HIT...I cannot win.....because I cannot stop.

The first step to paying off our debts is to stop gambling.

Depression and Anxiety

Many escape gamblers were suffering from depression prior to developing the addiction...in fact...the fact that they were depressed probably contributed to the likelihood that gambling would 'hook' them.

When we are in the cycle, mood swings become the 'norm', we are often irritable and lose our tempers easily. The inablity to stop gambling (control the addiction) increases and we begin to harm ourselves...we isolate from people that care about us, we neglect our health, we become preoccupied with gambling (or thoughts around gambling) even when we are not in action. We rationalize things that are not rational.

Someone asked me, when I attended my first g.a. meeting if I'd ever left my (very young) children alone in order to gamble..and I was horrified...of course not!

The lady who asked me this...looked me squarely in the eye and said 'yet'.

Well...I didn't go back to g.a. for a few years..and while I never did do that particular thing...I did many things that I thought I would never do.... and, from talking to cg's...it's clear that as we deteriorate....we are able to rationalize more and more things...we will lie, steal (from family, friends, employers)...often we steal under the illusion that we are just 'borrowing' the money- we will win and promptly replace it....we pawn things that we love...we sell our bodies....we lose our homes, our families....we kill ourselves.

Suicide rates are higher among Pathological gamblers than with any other addiction.

You are not stupid.

You are not weak.

You are not bad.

This is not a behavior problem, this is a brain problem.

There is help....

Alone is too lonely.

Reach out.

Fear

Defined: be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

Face
Everything
And
Recover

or

F--k
Everything
And
Run

So much of what I do is out of fear...I had no idea...I didn't realize that until I began this 'recovery' of mine.

I fear so many things...but I'm working on identifying and addressing them.

I have been able to identify fears that I didn't know I had by working work-sheets provided for Step 4 of the Gamblers Anonymous Program....come to find out...many of our resentments are fear-based.

go figure.

I aim to rid myself of fear -- the definition 'a possible' -- means...it is yet to come..which means it isn't happening now...which means...it is not my concern at this moment...perhaps I can take STEPS to prevent an undesirable outcome...but...feeling fear -- can it possibly be productive?

I'm sure I will always have some fears...and some fears...maybe we NEED some fears.

But...I love G.A.
G.A. has given me many gifts.
But one thing that I see in MY particular GA groups is FEAR.

The program is not fear based.

What the Big Book of A.A. says about fear:

"Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. "

"we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't i..."

"At once, we commence to outgrow fear. "

"The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. "

these are only a few of the many places that 'fear' is referenced in the big book.


Funny how most of us don't read the literature..we listen to other people...and often, people get things wrong.

I refuse to live in fear of the next bet.
I am not worried that I will gamble today or tomorrow or next year or ever again.
I don't care.

I feel determined not to.
I don't plan to ever gamble again.
I think I will not.
but
all I really have is today.....and today...I am good...I am strong...and
I am unafraid.

xo

Is it a 'Disease'?

one definition of disease I found on the web -- an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning

so

is this..this gambling problem....pathological gambler in my case...is it a disease?

I've heard many people say that it IS important that we know what it is..disease/addiction/disorder...so that we know how to DEAL with it.

well

I agree that knowledge is power.
I agree that the more I know about this..the better equipped I am to protect myself.

But...is what I CALL it truly important?
Not to me.

I know (now) that there IS a sort of 'profile' that many (certainly not all of us....but many do...*I* do) fit into.....I have attention deficit disorder...I also have many other psychological traits that would tend to fit in with that 'profile'.

I also know that gambling causes chemical changes in my brain...that neurotransmitters are not behaving 'normally' when I am gambling...and that in all likelihood...whether I am gambling or not at any given MOMENT...when I am in the 'cycle'....when I am gambling DAILY...I believe that my brain STAYS in a condition that is not 'normal' for my particular brain :)

I also know that...when I am gambling...my thought processes seem to parallel the process of many other compulsive gamblers when 'in action' (see the entry entitled 'Playing My Tape').

I know that many of the problem gamblers that I have spoken with have been diagnosed as depressed...and/or were dealing with (or...NOT dealing with) difficult emotional issues when their gambling really spiralled out of control (grief, break up, etc.).

I know that...I am not the only one that this has happened to...and that I have many many things in common with many others that this has happened to...and that there is something physical going on as well.

I know that...I talk to people who are DESPERATE not to gamble...who cry...SOB...about what they have done to their lives...they DO NOT WANT TO GAMBLE ever ever again....and they do.

Is it a disease? Is it an addiction? an impulse-control disorder?

To me, those are labels (and personally, I think they all apply) and the LABEL isn't really important...what IS important is the underlying FACTS...what I KNOW.... I know that it is possible to break free of this...and find JOY.

That's what I know.

A Lover

I remember feeling that I couldn't imagine not gambling....i didn't think it was possible that i could stop
AND...
if i WERE able to stop...surely I would be miserable.

If i didn't gamble, i would be DEPRIVING myself of something that I ENJOYED..my FAVORITE activity....i didn't WANT to stop!!!!

well...we sort of have to 'deprive' ourselves for a while...just until we get sane...once we can clearly see....once we no longer CRAVE it (and it can happen)...

THEN

we have to start changing our thinking.

i see people who have years and years clean-time in g.a. who slip..or still yearn for it.

i don't want to live that way...and so much of how we feel is all because of how we THINK.

I am FREE.

I was a SLAVE.

I had a lover...more demanding than I would ever allow a man to be....this lover demanded everything of me...all of my time..all of my money...it wouldn't let me have other friends...it wouldn't allow me to THINK of anyone but 'it'... I had to put 'it' before my own best interests.

I would never ever ever have allowed a human being to do that to me.

I was an unwilling, unKNOWing slave.

but

now I know.

now i see.

and I won't take it any more.

My Bubble

Gambling was never a social thing for me.

When my husband and I would go to the casino together, he'd always want to sit at the machine next to me..gamble 'together'.

Even before I was hiding my gambling I didn't want to gamble WITH anyone.

When I sat down at a machine....I would instantly relax...put my money in...and everything else would go away.

I have a friend who was in a bar one night playing video poker...she and the bartender were the only ones there....some guy comes in, robs the place at gun point and leaves...she was completely unaware that it occurred. I can easily see how that could've happened.

It would irritate the hell out of me if some stranger would sit at the machine next to me and would try to strike up a conversation...or if the change lady took too long to break my bill...or if i hit a jackpot and had to wait for someone to pay me and there wasn't an empty machine nearby...all of those things brought me out of my bubble...when I was in it...I could see no one..hear no one...everything went away..TIME went away...*I* sort of went away.

So many times we'd go to the casino with a group...it would inFURiate me if my husband wanted me to stop gambling to have a meal with everyone..how DARE he want to spend TIME with me!!! how RUDE of him!!! taking me away from my machine.

On a few occasions, I just flat wouldn't do it...but usually I did..however, I would claim I wasn't hungry...I would sit there COMPLETELY pissed off...and get the hell out of there (and back to my machine) as soon as I possibley could.

back to my bubble.
there was hmmm ?peace? there...it was nothingness...i was numb....in a trance...

I was oblivious.

My H.O.W. of Recovery

Today, I recognize that many of my old behaviors and attitudes have contributed to the progression of this addiction.

Today, I understand that AWARENESS plays a huge role in how well I am....

To be aware...of self...of thoughts, feelings, sensations....whatever I am experiencing this moment.

and...ACCEPTANCE....knowing that I am what I am....all I can do is all I can do (but I must do all that I can do)...I am not perfect...and that's ok....neither are you perfect...and that's ok, too. :)

for me...Awareness and acceptance are key factors...but the H.O.W. seems to be important for everyone in recovery:

HONESTY...I still struggle with this...when there are attitudes/behaviors/relationships that are comfortable..or that FEEL good....I justify them in the same way that I justified gambling, I suppose?

I put off eliminating that thing or behavior until some later date because blah blah blah..honesty is hard.
oh...not the honesty to others...aside from my gambling, I am honest to a fault....
its the honesty with self that I struggle with...but....these days...I struggle :) and...
that is a step in the right direction.

OPENNESS.....I am learning to be open to others thoughts and ideas about recovery...I love g.a. but...some of the things that g.a. 'preaches' is not really what the program is about (IMHO)...and...there are good things..information..tools..that I am finding in other programs..or just from talking to others (from no particular program at all)...to me...knowledge....is empowering....I will be open....I will take what I need.

WILLINGNESS....I guess it all boils down to willingness doesn't it?

Willingness to do whatever it takes...I mean....it doesn't matter how aware or honest I am...if I am not WILLING...to put that information into good use.

or...WILLING to turn it over???

how about....WILLING to address my issues :)
one way or another.

xo

Mood Swings

For a long time we thought that if we weren't in debt everything would be ok (maybe we still think that)...

Then...we thought that if we could just stop gambling everything would be ok....

Many people experience a kind of euphoria when they stop gambling.....not the first day, but...once they realize that they are DOING it...that it CAN be done..and they are DOING it.

But...that wonderful feeling (if one gets it at all) cannot go on forever...it comes to an end...and often...that end comes without warning...and it is as painful as it is abrupt.

When I was at that stage in recovery...I would occasionally have a day where I was a wreck...sometimes for no particular reason...then...the next day..I might be great again.

It was pretty scary...am i manic? is something ELSE wrong with me?

I spend a lot of time talking with compulsive gamblers...some who are still in action (and in misery) and many who are at some stage in recovery....whether one experiences that 'pink cloud' or not....mood swings tend to occur.

Here are my thoughts on them...

here's how it was for me...

when I first stopped gambling...I had a few weeks where I was elated!

I had HOPE...I had found gamcare and safe harbor and people to talk to and relate with..f

or once..this looked like it just might be do-able...
maybe....and after a few days of not gambling...I really thought *I* could!

It took me longer than a few weeks...maybe was about 6? when I crashed..and wow..it came from no where sometimes....and sometimes...there would be something that would set me off...but..it would be like...a little bitty thing would go wrong and my mood would NOSEDIVE in a way that was not proportionate to the event.

it was scary.

why was i feeling this way?

the first time it happened, I posted on a forum and I received a BUNCH of responses...EVERYONE was saying how normal this is..it is a phase...and...after pondering it for a bit....I think that there are a few reasons for it...

First of all...for the entire time we were gambling, we were numb...all of the crap that we SHOULD have been dealing with (grief, rejection, any emotional pain) we neglected....we self-medicated by gambling...and ignored those feelings.

the thing is...they don't GO anywhere.

They're still THERE...

THAT is why...10 years after my mom died...I would still tear up every time I mentioned her name (I still miss her, but I don't cry every time I think about her)...

Those feelings are still in us...and they are RIGHT there...RIGHT under the surface...ready to burst out...and...once we stop numbing...sometimes, when we least expect it...they do...all of the bad feelings just envelop us.

I had to learn that it is necessary for me to FEEL them.
Feelings, even BAD feelings aren't bad. They just ARE.
They come....we experience them...then they go.
if we skip 'experiencing them' they do not go :(

I had to learn not to choke back tears...not to dry my eyes...just to cry if i felt like crying...it didn't matter if i didnt understand why i was crying...for some reason...i just needed to..ok, fine..do it...

I messed up my make-up many a day :)
I learned to just sit there..and let the tears roll down my cheeks and onto my clothing...just let it out...

whatever i feel is ok.
and....if it doesn't feel good....know that...it will pass.

it always does...everything changes...the good...goes bad...the bad gets better....so....when things are good....i enjoy them...when things are bad....i accept that (to the best of my ability) and hold onto the fact that things will turn around....it will pass...

it always does.


I think there's a physical aspect also....when i was gambling...it was a constant cycle of emotional highs and lows....

get money, drive to the casino, gamble (elated)...gamble (numbing) all of my money away....then drive home (well...I am sure you know how low that is)...

usually these extreme highs and lows would occur in just a matter of hours!

THenI'd go back and do it again the next day and the next day and the next day

why on earth would i think that i could do that for YEARS...
and then...
I could stop gambling..
and my body would say "oh, ok, no problem...I will just be normal now"

it CAN't...we PHYSically have to adjust to the changes that we're making too.

It really helped me to know that there was a reason for the crash..that it was normal..that it was a phase, and that it would pass...
and it will...
it will...

but most likely, it will come again...
for me, it happened a few times...
then....
a couple of months passed and i thought i had levelled off...
and it came back....
but....It seems to be over now...

I do not have those moments (weeks even) of elation...but...that's ok, cuz i don't suffer those horrible lows...
I am just kind of on an even keel now...and it's nice....

I am encountering things that I have little experience with...acceptance, gratitude, peace, joy.

It is only recently that I could identify my feelings (with words).

I never thought about them much..feelings...
they were good or bad.
If they were bad...I'd try to do something to make me feel good.

No longer.

It feels good to feel.

and

this even keel....it's sort of....?normal?
but

I am certain, that, this too, shall pass :)

* * *

am re-reading this entry and it occurs to me...that
i was on an emotional roller coaster even WHILE I was numbing out at a machine...
I was numb from my REAL LIFE..from FEELINGS...but
I was still UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN as my credits went UP and DOWN....
credits UP...I can gamble more..all is well...
credits DOWN...didn't really bother me til my cash for the day was running low...then I'd go into panic mode...if credits didn't go back UP...I'd go get more money...ATM or credit card or check..ahhh...UP again.

did they coin the term 'emotional roller coaster' based on a day in the life of a cg, i wonder?

Keeping the Secret

Everyone knew I gambled. Everyone who KNEW me knew that I loved it.

No one knew how often I gambled or how much money I blew.

No one knew that when I was late picking up my children, missing family functions, skipping gatherings with friends.... I was gambling.

I resented any activity that kept me from gambling...I wanted to do nothing else.

The debt mounted.

I rationalized things that are so far from rational.

I read somewhere that 'pathological gamblers have a highly developed capacity for self-deception.

That just about sums it up.

Now that I have removed myself from the insanity..I wonder...did I think he wouldn't find out? what, exactly, did I think was going to happen to the debt?

The truth was...I DIDN'T think about it...or....when I did I would pray that somehow things would all work out.

Funny, I prayed when I gambled. I didn't really believe there was anyone there who might hear me...but...I guess I figured it couldn't hurt.

Secrets are hard because there's no way to keep a secret without lying.

It is against my nature to lie.

So much of what I did when I was caught up in the cycle is against everything that I am...it truly was like I was someone else.

I knew that if and when he ever found out...it would all be over...he could never forgive this...could I have???

so...i just couldn't let him find out....I became an expert at juggling funds...I had to make sure I always retrieved the mail from the mailbox. If he happened to open a bank statement or a credit card bill...geez...the thought of it was horrific.

I spent every moment of my day...finding ways to gamble...or covering my tracks.

Many people do this....hide from others how much money and time they are gambling...and...as things get worse...the addiction gets worse, the debt gets worse..the fear mounts...the pressure builds.

Most of us could not imagine telling our secret....the consequences would be too great...no one could forgive this.....however, most of the people that I've encountered..like me, thought that they couldn't and wouldn't be forgiven...and they were...with very few exceptions.

I thought I would be the exception. He would leave.

Most people think they are the exception....their loved ones would never understand...never forgive.

Telling is painful...for me...it was EXTREMELY painful...yet on some level...it was a relief.

Keeping secrets is hard.
Alone is too lonely.