another year

last year at this time I decided to stop smoking.

I did great.

for a while....until something stressed me out.

then I stopped again.

until the next crisis came along.

stop start stop start stop start

really...it's excuses...those painful or stressful events are just 'excuses' for me to do what I want to do..."I am hurting so I need it" or deserve it or whatever.

same thing I did with regards to gambling.
addiction is addiction is addiction.

I am currently smoking.
I know I need to stop.
and I know I WON'T stop until I REALLY decide that I'm done.
and I'm not sure that I AM done just yet.
but....I'll never stop trying to stop.

Have a Happy New Year

"I Bet."

It's something that many people say, without even thinking...not even MEANING that they want to "bet".

"I'll bet that hurt!"
"You betcha!"

Many compulsive gamblers in recovery try to stay away from this type of language.

I do.

and what does that do for me?

I mean...if I accidentally say "I bet...." just as a manner of speaking, does it harm me in any way?
Of course not.

and I sometimes say it without even realizing I have.

but...attempting NOT to....just reinforces on an ONGOING basis...where this compulsive gambling has taken me.

it keeps me AWARE.

I've come up with 'substitute' phrases....instead of saying 'I bet' I will say 'I'm sure' or 'I imagine'.

Not saying 'I bet' is just one more of those little things that I can do...that might help me to become who I want to be.

Counselling

I started seeing a therapist in 2002, right after the sh*t hit the fan at my house.

I haven't seen her continuously since then...but it sure does help me when things aren't going smoothly....

this family counselling is a whole different deal.

when I go to my individual session...it's all about me...what's going on with me....working through my issues...my feelings.

the family thing has been amazing.

we've had four sessions.

the first couple were difficult....a lot of anger from everyone.

but AFTERWARDS....things at home were much better.
The counsellor had suggested that each of us identify something that we could work on that would improve things...and each of us did.....and we did those things....

for about two days :)

then we all went back to being angry and difficult to get along with.

during those visits...we all said things that we've said before...the difference is...we were actually LISTENING to one another.

that's hard to do when you're hurting.

and we're all hurting.

but when we're there.....it's 'moderated'....we each get a turn....and we listen.

the kids hate it.

they keep saying 'we don't need to go there'

but this week my oldest said 'I do think it's helping us, but I still hate to come here' :)

so the third week we went....we were all VERY angry......and the possibility of us fixing things between us seemed unlikely....
but
I mentioned that after the two previous visits we DID get along much better, even if only for a short time.

so the counsellor recommended that THIS week....we should all commit work on OUR 'thing' regardless of whether or not anyone else did.

boy did that make a difference.

we had the best week last week.

so our counselling session wasn't nearly as painful.....
and the difference in 'us' the following day wasn't obvious.

the events that brought us here have caused me pain that is still too fresh for me to say that I'm 'thankful' for them....
but some of the changes that have taken place because of those events are good ones.

already I can see 'purpose' in all of it.

and I know
that someday
when the pain is not so fresh...
and we have moved on to other things...
and all of this is a distant memory...

We'll all be able to say that it was 'good' that it all happened...

and while that knowledge does comfort me somewhat...it doesn't make it all go away.

and that's OK.

I'll just keep on doing the tasks that are immediately before me.
and live this day.

x

A time to every purpose

I'm suffering.
Everything seems so difficult right now.

There have been times when I've been weary with the mundaneness of day to day life.....and there have been times when it has seemed that I have been blessed with such good fortune......and other times, still, where grief and tragedy seemed to overwhelm me......and then....times like these....where my problems are not disastrous or earth shattering...but I feel bombarded with disappointment and frustrations.

It's sometimes difficult to trust that this, too, shall pass....even though....everything that I've ever experienced has.....
maybe....what is difficult is the uncertainty....of what will be...after this has passed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;

A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and
a time to sow;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
From The Holy Bible (King James Version)
Attributed to King Solomon

I'm OK

I've gotten a lot of emails lately...people worried about me.

Yeah...things have been rough.

and I'm stressed out and I'm tired and I worry and sometimes cry...
but that's ok.

cuz i'm going through difficult times right now.....
but

I am also continually evaluating my options.

what must i accept?
What can I change?

then I start working on those things.

Anyway...I haven't been writing so much here...and just wanted everyone to know that I *AM* ok...

I've been very very busy...
and I just haven't had anything to say :)

Thank you for your concern,
Peg

Regret about the Past

Over and over we hear that we must put the past behind us, live one day at a time...focus on the moment.

that was a difficult thing for me to do.

I was pondering this one day....my life....past, present and future....and I envisioned it as a time line....starting when I was born......the point where I am now....and the line continues off, to an unknown future.

On this imaginary line in my mind there are branches.

When I was born, at the very start of that line....every branch was an available option.....if I followed that path...I could have a different life.

One's grades in school can eliminate some branches....make those options unavailable.

One's behavior...getting into trouble....getting married....having children...taking any of THOSE paths can eliminate other options.

So I've got this line....and see how all of the options that I've taken have led me right to this moment.

The thing is

IT IS NOT OVER.
That line....continues off into an unknown future.

we sometimes feel like...whatever things are like at this moment is how things will always be
but they won't
things will change
they always do
our external circumstances will change...that will offer new branches...and perhaps eliminate others...
our own actions could alter what options are available to us as well.

so
it isn't over.
we have that path...that led us to here....and regardless of what that path was...and where we are now....we must look ahead...at the branches that are still available to us....and begin, today, to make choices based on the options that we have now.

we can't go back
but
we can spend precious time now....wishing we could go back.....passing up todays opportunities in the meantime.

there is still living to be done....

what do i wish to do with the rest of my (time) line?

What can I do TODAY to enhance my life?

Helping others can help us.

I can't imagine the state I'd be in right now if it weren't for 'recovery'.

I'm not the master of serenity by any means.

Far from it.

But for someone who has always made mountains out of mole hills...
now....being faced with mountains...well...I'm handling them much better than I have handled mole hills in the past.

I'm doing ok....

you know?

I have a friend who is having some problems with her son at the moment....in an email she wrote me last night...she said "and they haven't even contacted me yet...I guess by now they know that I'm a deadbeat mom".

my heart broke for her....because of course, she isn't.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is it that I'm REALLY upset about....yeah....lots of it is valid...but....part of my being upset is about what other people think.

i know that it isn't important....but that isn't really helpful in ridding myself of it.
not yet anyway.

but i wrote to her....about....how our children are separate from us....we bore them, we help them to become who they are...but we are not them....and we cannot take responsibility for what they do...
shame.
why do we feel shame for what some OTHER human being does?

anyway...i went on and on....and I made MYSELF feel a whole lot better in the process.

I think I needed to hear some of what I had to say.

This is helpful in 'our' little corner of the world too.....compulsive gamblers, I mean.

No way I could write you an email....all about not gambling...then go out and gamble myself.

so....when I state a case to YOU...I'm also reinforcing it for myself.

a few months ago, when I wanted to gamble, the friend that helped me through that day was still in the cycle.

but isn't any more.

i think that day...talking me through MY stuff....made an impact in THIER thinking.

so I guess what I'm learning is...when I'm in pain...or I need help....I need to find a way to look outside of myself.....and help someone else.

By helping others, I really do help myself.

Go figure....all of those 'sayings' that I've heard all my life.....I am finally beginning to see the truth in them.

x

resentment...planned response

I was talking to a friend the other night about how sometimes...if I am feeling nervous or insecure...that PRETENDING that I am confident can often lead to actually FEELING that way.

I learned that in high school.

In speech class.

Those kids would get up there...practically shaking...stuttering....and I understood.

But i didn't want to look that way.

I *FELT* it...but I PRETENDED I didn't....so I LOOKED confident...which GAVE me confidence.

so my friend sort of used this technique in an uncomfortable situation....and it helped.

My friend also had a 'prepared response'.....in the event someone said something that might've been awkward.

Having a 'planned response' helps me too.

not just when I'm uncomfortable or nervous.

It helps me with resentments.

I have this situation.

this person who often makes comments to me that really p*ss me off.

so a few months ago...I thought about a response....not a mean, ugly, hateful response....not even something to 'put her in her place'....just....to say "I understand that you feel this way but I prefer not to hear about it any more. It upsets me when you say these things."

so I even sort of practiced in my mind....so that it wouldn't come out sounding 'ugly'.

and then

lol

I didn't even 'get' to say it!...this person hasn't DONE it since I planned my response....

which....is ok.

great even.

I mean....the whole point is....I didn't want to hear it any more.

and

while being able to actually SAY my 'planned response' would've been ok.

it's really sort of better that I haven't had to.

Just HAVING one made me feel better.

Unexpectedly....it made the resentment go away even.

and now that the resentment is gone.....if I ever DO need to say this....it will not SOUND ugly...because I don't FEEL any anger over it.

lol
it worked even better than a step four actually :)

take care of you,
Love,
Peg

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day, 2006 was one of the happiest days I remember.

Ever.

Not for any particular reason....maybe the 'pink cloud' of recovery? it was just an amazing day.

I had been gamble free for just under a month...but I *KNEW* that things were different.

*I* was different.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
I cook.
We have tons of guests.

Usually...as much as I enjoy doing it...it is a stress-filled day for me.

But not that one.

It was maybe the first time I had ever felt

?
peace?

for no particular reason.

I knew that it would pass...and I wanted, so badly, to hang onto the feeling....it was...almost ecstasy....difficult to explain...I have not felt this way before...or since.

but even the memory of the feeling soothes me.

It strikes me that..the peace I felt that day was not something that I FOUND or due to anything that i DID....it was something that HAPPENED to me...it FOUND ME.

I imagine I will not spend another Thanksgiving...that I won't think about that day...how I felt.....that wonderful, ordinary Thanksgiving day.

I don't 'count days'...but I just went to this 'clean time calculator' http://www.bcrscna.bc.ca/clean_time_calc.html

and today...I am especially thankful for the past 758 days...where....I have actually experienced whatever it is that has happened in my life....the good...the bad and the ugly.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Love,
Peg

Life goes on

So I've come to believe that everything happens for a reason.

there are no accidents.

I see how we make 'ripple's in one another's lives.

I'm sure that I have met people that I do not even remember meeting, that I have made an impact on.....as I know that many people have affected me in major ways...and will never know.

I wonder if this gambling thing....if all of this happened to me....so that I could learn some of the lessons I have...or maybe..that was just a nice 'side-effect'....the possibility exists, I suppose, that I had to go thru this so that I would end up meeting some of the friends I now have...that I would not otherwise have known....or simply so that I could understand addiction...so that I would write this blog...or maybe because...in the future things will happen in my life...and this experience will have prepared me.

who knows.

I know that....I have shared some of my 'stuff' with people in my 'real' life...sometimes...on a whim...for no 'good' reason...sometimes with people I barely know....and some remarkable things have happened because of it....some of those people have then shared thier own 'stuff' with me...feeling 'safe' because of what I'd told them....and sometimes 'relief' at finally having someone to talk to.

So........

these things that are happening in my life right now......

as much pain as I'm in....already I can see lessons...or 'reasons'.....

I used to think that if I were a great mother (which I am) that I would end up with the children I wanted...or 'deserved'.....which also means...if YOUR kids were not so great..or were 'troubled'.....I assumed you could've done something better....or that *I* could've done better.

or

how about the fact that I come here....being the cheerleader....'you can do this'...'life can be good'....'you can be happy'......
maybe I'd forgotten how far away that can FEEL sometimes...how difficult it is to believe.... I *KNOW* that it's true...but still....it doesn't really help me through the moment very much.

but

sometimes....things happen...and I DON'T GET TO KNOW the reason.

maybe.....sometimes things happen...and I am AFFECTED...but the lesson or the 'reason' has nothing at all to do with me.

There is no doubt that 'recovery' is much easier when things are going well...when life is easy.

it is when life is hard....when we are in pain...when we want to fall apart when 'recovery' truly GIVES us something.

I don't feel much like myself....I don't want to cheer right now...sometimes I just want to run away...to quit.

but I know.....that this, too, shall pass.

in 100 short years...most of the people on the planet today will not even exist....

as big as this seems right now....it is temporary...

there will be joy again.
and then there will be more pain...for some completely different reason.
then joy
then pain

and life will go on.

Looking for the Lessons

This is not easy to say-and if you are still caught up in the destruction...if you are still in a great deal of pain, you will not understand it....and will maybe even think 'obviously....she was not as bad as me' or perhaps 'her consequences were not as severe as mine are'.

well....I don't know about you...but I was pretty bad..and so was the 'wake' that I left.

I was devastated. done...no way out...wanted to die.

and now...i say...with some hesitation...it is painful to say...because it *WAS* that bad...but I can say...that all of that....happened for a reason...or for many reasons maybe? but...(swallowing hard here)....I am thankful it happened.

I am thankful because I am no longer the woman that I was BEFORE I started gambling.

I am finished with drama.
I don't have to make everything a crisis...and when a REAL crisis occurs (and I am being bombarded with them at the moment)....well

I can deal.

It's not because I'm not gambling, mind you.

although...if i were gambling, i would be a wreck right now.

but...the process that i have gone through....in this effort to stop gambling....this....seeking....that's it...

seeking that i have done...am doing.

has changed me.

oh...i still grieve, i still get angry...i still have fear and i still panick at times.

but

i am ok.

*I* am ok.

and I will get through this.

that thing that was a crisis last month? (and it was a biggie)
history.

and I am ok.

got another catastrophe on my hands (believe me...I am not using these words lightly)...and a part of me just wants to cry...and give up....and not face anything.

but that's not an option.

and i know...that every painful event EVERY one...every SINGLE one....has given me something.

not just 'strength' or 'character'...but...SOMETHING....a new way to see things....a better understanding of other people...a better understanding of myself.

at the moment...i am in turmoil

and at the same time

i am at peace.

i am afraid....and sad...disappointed...'gutted' even.

but I am OK.

accepting the things I cannot change
changing the things I can
taking it one day at a time.

Live Mindfully

I mentioned the Proactive 12 steps in yesterday's post.

Step 10 is: I live mindfully, paying attention to the motives and effects of my actions.

That may be even better than taking a 'dialy inventory'.

or.....I guess...ideally, I need both.

To go about my day consciously....to be aware of my feelings and thoughts...and EVERYTHING....
but then...at the end of the day....to review my day...what could I have done differently? what might I have done better? and...ALSO....what did I do today that I did really really well...exactly as I should have?

because sometimes....I do that too :)

Proactive 12 steps

if you're still looking for what works for you......a down to earth approach to the 12 steps....described here:

Millions of people credit the twelve steps for their recovery from addiction to alcohol and other substances. I do not have personal or professional experience in this area. So, you may wonder, how are these steps relevant to what I do?
The original 12 steps are not a list of instructions specific to substance abuse or addiction. They describe a path toward self-discovery and personal growth. This is what I find very inspiring.
I believe that, as we develop a deeper sense of who we truly are, we increase our ability to lead a more fulfilling life. This, in turn, makes it easier to make difficult changes.
On this site, you will find the traditional wording of the 12 steps together with an original approach: the "proactive 12 steps".
With this new wording, and the accompanying commentary, my goal is to describe the “steps” as a self-directed process—as opposed to a mystical process in which change somehow happens to you. This is about how you can take a proactive role in your growth as a person. This is meant for all people who seek wholeness in their lives, and are not necessarily dealing with alcoholism or addiction.
I originally wrote these steps for people who, like me, were not part of the “twelve steps” culture.
Over time, many people involved in 12 steps recovery have told me that they find inspiration in these “proactive steps”: Not as a replacement for the wording they are so familiar with, but as a way to gain a new perspective on it.
This down-to-earth approach describes a path that is meaningful regardless whether your orientation is humanist, secular (non-religious) or spiritual or religious.
I am inviting you to see the “proactive steps” as an invitation to a dialogue, as opposed to a directive that is carved in stone.
Let yourself explore what comes up for you as you go through the steps. Take the time to digest each step before moving on to the next.

This site has several free, download-able e-books and lots of great information about changing who we are...from the inside out.

http://proactivechange.com/12steps/index.htm

Mental Illness?

The Gambler's Anonymous book says 'Compulsive gambling is an emotional problem.'

I used to find that very offensive.

It sounded to me like they were calling me 'mentally ill'....which I took exception to.

Then....I realized...that I really DO have 'issues' around my EMOTIONS....fear, anger, grief....and I said..."OHHHHHH it's an EMOTIONAL problem!"...NOT a 'mental illness....' ok...I get it.

but then....recently... I was talking to a (non-cg) girlfriend of mine who had just been put on anti-depressants by her primary care physician.

She was adamant about not wanting to take them.

The doctor encouraged her to try it...for four weeks...then they'd re-evaluate...just give it a go.

So she did...and she feels soooooooo much better.

So we were talking about it...she was asking me whether I take them...and how long I thought I'd need to....she is glad to have them now...but is anxious to be off of it asap.

I asked her...'why? do you have any side effects?'

'no'

soooooo

I told her about my own experience...how...since my Mom died in 1996 I have been off and on them....the dr. prescribes them...I take them...I feel better...then I stop taking them.

I slowly begin to fell worse...but it never occurs to me that I should reconsider taking meds.

Eventually I get to the point where I need help....I see a dr., they prescribe anti-depressants...and I do the same thing over again.

and again

and again

and again.

I am finally at the point where I accept that....the chemicals in my brain are obviously out-of-whack...and if I don't take medication...I won't function as nicely as I do when I'm on it.

I don't plan to stop taking them again.

ever.

'Really?' she said.

'Doesn't it bother you that you NEED something to feel 'normal'?'

I said

why is it....that....if a dr. says to us...'your heart isn't working properly....or your cholesterol is high, blood pressure, blood sugar, your kidneys have problems'....we are UPSET...because we want to be HEALTHY...but....

those things do not EMBARRASS us.

our brain..is a physical organ.

sometimes our organs do not operate exactly as designed.

why is that shameful?

why do we think that we should be able to somehow control a PHYSICAL condition?

Philosophers have struggled for ages about the brain/mind thing....the brain being the physical organ and the mind being....our thoughts...emotions...who we are.

so yeah....if our brain isn't 'ok' then... the essence of who we are changes....and I guess THAT can be embarrassing...seems like we should be in control of who we are..what and how we think.

but sometimes I can't.

anyway....I was reading this morning and come across this statement:

Extreme cases of problem gambling may cross over into the realm of mental disorders. Pathological gambling was recognized as a psychiatric disorder in the DSM-III, but the criteria were significantly reworked based on large-scale studies and statistical methods for the DSM-IV. As defined by American Psychiatric Association, pathological gambling is an impulse control disorder that is a chronic and progressive mental illness.

I would imagine that doesn't apply to all compulsive gamblers.

I imagine....the possibility exists that...many people who had NORMAL brains before they started gambling....have somehow damaged that organ and it's ability to function normally by gambling compulsively for an extended period of time.

maybe....the damage is only temporary? and after some time of abstinence....the organ will again operate normally.

I know that my mind was far from normal when I was stuck in the cycle.

I'm not really sure why that article didn't offend me this morning....the thought of perhaps being 'mentally ill'.

I guess...at this point...the label really isn't important to me...one way or the other...whether or not it's an emotional illness or a mental illness or a disease or an impulse control disorder....to ME isn't really relevant....because....

I now know...what I must do to be OK....and I am doing it.

and THAT is what is important to me today.

Take care of you,
Love,
Peg

Stagnant

Not complacent exactly....as in not 'smug'....I don't walk around thinking I'm ok so I don't need to 'work recovery' anymore...

but I haven't really been doing it.


In talking to a friend...I was reflecting on how, in my early days of recovery I was HUNGRY...for information...for growth....



but recently....'one day at a time' hasn't just been a matter of 'staying in this moment'....it's been just sort of taking things as they come....going with the flow...and that's fine...it's GOOD actually....but...it really isn't good enough.

or....it's not good enough for ME.


I deal with crisis much better when I am learning and growing...REALLY 'working recovery'...


and the fact is


i am gonna have to deal with crisis' again and again and again....and if you continue to breathe for a while, so will you.


it's not just about not gambling...i don't want life to BE this hard.

and...to a large degree...how difficult it is....is based on how I look at things....and when I'm growing...'recovering'....i look at things in a much better way.


besides...I have much more interesting things to talk about here when I'm growing and changing :)

but it's bigger than that..it's bigger than living a life without gambling and learning to accept whatever life throws at me...and having something interesting to share.

it's....about living the best possible life that I can.

and i really haven't been doing that.

I haven't been 'complacent'...but I've been 'content'....my growth has been stagnant....and that's not terrible...it's just not what I want...THIS is not what I want...who I AM is not who I want to keep being.

There is more to life than this...

and I want it.

I deserve to live my best possible life ....each one of us does.

The only way that I am going to live the life that I want to live...

is if I do it.

starting now.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'm reading again...

changing things.

one day at a time

I met another of my online friends Friday night. We went to dinner....it was great. ((((1 week today! good for youuuu))))

I've been doing really well...lots going on in my life...mostly good...but got the wind knocked out of my sails this morning.

these boys {sigh}

anyway

i'm just sort of...i dunno...melancholy today...laid down for a while...feel tired, although i really shouldn't be...don't feel depressed really...just distant....removed.

resigned?

Anyway, I was saying...up til today, things have been going really well...and USUALLY when that happens...after some period of time....I start to worry...knowing that at some point, sh*t will happen....and I start waiting for it....I avoid thinking about how good things are, thinking I might somehow 'jinx' it --
so THIS time....I made sure not to do that.

I knew that something bad would happen eventually (it always does....it's just a part of being alive)...but I decided that I was NOT gonna 'anticipate the yuck' but would delight in this period of calm and abundance...and so i did.

And now.....Even tho everything isn't going my way...there are still things to be grateful for, and at the moment, I am still able to see them :)

I'll try to stay focused on that.

some days I really don't want to 'stay in' LOL but....I'll just deal with the tasks immediately before me.

just....living...odaat

More on Mood swings

I sort of bounce around here...sometimes talking about the pain that gambling causes and the difficulty in stopping....and sometimes talking about dealing with life afterwards.

i want to talk about something that i've discussed several times before....and that is mood swings.

i still experience them from time to time, although they are very different from my early days of recovery...and occur much less frequently.

but those early days....
i sometimes forget how difficult it was...how bad i sometimes felt...until someone sends me an email that brings it all back....

there was so much misery...i sometimes felt as if i was drowning in it and that i couldn't ever feel better again...it just didn't seem possible.

of course, i did....after some period of time i WOULD feel better...great even...better than great sometimes....then....inevitably...i would find myself in a dark place again.

sometimes, something would happen that would initiate the change in me..sometimes it seemed to happen for no particular reason at all.

it still works that way.

even now
knowing all of this
knowing that it's 'normal'
knowing that it will come...then it will end

isn't helpful when i'm in it.
and...it's difficult to 'know' that THIS time it will end....to really BELIEVE it.

it's so important to not be alone during these times....our tendency is to isolate but that can intensify the darkness.

it's times like this that often we gamble....thinking...what does it matter anyway? or....perhaps...just looking for some relief (escape the feelings of doom)

understanding that gambling had really whacked out the chemicals in my brain was one d*mn good reason for me to choose not to gamble, even during these times...knowing that....gambling may offer some short term relief...but there would be consequences...real ones....not the least of which is the fact that i would be whacking out my brain chemistry even more....which would drag this misery on

they do get better
it takes time
and it isn't easy to get thru them
it's especially difficult to do alone.

we don't have to be alone.
you don't have to be alone.

reach out to someone...create an anonymous email address and post on a forum....

i remember ....years ago...at my therapists office..when I was gambling...and in misery...she asked "what can Peg do to help herself?"

I sat there.
thinking
and thinking
and then i said
"nothing."

and i couldn't
and i didn't for a long long time.

try.

nothing changes if nothing changes.

Love,
Peg

You may also be interested in:
Mood Swings
Depression and Anxiety
On Being Needy
Mood Swings...Again
Which Life?
The Blues

Take care of you. xo

Results

I stepped on the scale yesterday and got sort of excited...I've lost ten pounds.

I don't really have that much to lose....the weight that I put on when I was pregnant...but I haven't had the will to really do it...until now.

anyway....I was thinking about that....about how similar this stopping gambling thing is to dieting.

I mean...if I eat a donut...it isn't gonna kill me.
It doesn't even mean that I won't lose any more weight.

so if I can eat a donut....then return to 'controlled' eating....I'll be fine.

Plus....if I DON'T eat a donut...I'm not gonna have some fantastic instant result....and if there is any result at all...it's so miniscule that I'm unaware.

so...if eating a donut isn't gonna be TERRIBLE....and if NOT eating it isn't gonna be wonderful...why not?

and the answer of course....is because....a donut now....and a piece of halloween candy later....and...well..you get the picture.

If I rationalize eating a donut....

status quo

that's it...I'll just keep maintaing what 'is'.

and what 'is' (these couple of pounds i still want to lose) just isn't OK with me any more.

to a much greater degree...it's just like stopping gambling.

there are no instant results....but....continuously making the right call....doing the next right thing...adds up...until...one day....you 'step on the scale' and realize just how much you have accomplished.

on Distorted thinking

I subscribed to a website a while back that sends me weekly 'quotes' re. recovery.

I just had to share this one.

November 3, 2008

"I'm glad that what's going on in my head isn't happening in my life."

I don't know why, but my perception of my life is always different - and worse - than the reality of my life. I can be in line at Starbucks, and that's what's happening, but in the storm in my head I'm thinking the line is so slow I'll be there forever; the coffee won't be hot enough; the traffic will be horrible; I'll be late; I'll miss that big deal, and then I'll lose my job and join the rest of the world of the unemployed in the 2nd Great Depression. And this is all just in line at Starbucks!

When I heard today's quote, I began to understand what they mean when they say that alcoholism is a disease of perception. My best thinking used to get me into trouble, and even in recovery the distortion of my thoughts can easily make me restless, irritable and discontented.

more here....http://www.thewisdomoftherooms.com/quote_of_the_week.htm

Another secret

Of course it turned out to be nothing like i imagined.

It's been nearly a year since I've been seeing my therapist...but a few weeks ago I contacted her and made an appt. so glad i did.

i saw her for the second time last tuesday.
the day before i left for the services.

i was such a jumble of feelings....but i had no idea what they were...what i was upset about...i just was.

tried to sort it out for a while....then she said "what can you do to take care of YOU?"

"is there anything that could make this ok?"

and there was...and I knew exactly what it was.

I called my husband...right there...didn't even answer her question.

I asked him to go with me.

I heard it in his voice.
He really couldn't afford to go...just coming back from a business trip...many people out of the office...but he said he'd go.

The old Peg wouldn't have asked.

It wasn't easy for the NEW Peg to ask!

I would like to be self-sufficient...the problem is...I'm not....so when I TRY to be....it may APPEAR that I am...but my insides don't match my outward appearance.

It was a hassle all the way around...cancelled my flight...re-booked with him on another...paying last minute (high) airfare....making arrangements for the kids.

but that was really the easy stuff....it was the family dynamics that weighed on me.

i did fine.
but really....i did fine because he was there.

One of my friends sent me an email that said "You are not alone, you don't have to be. Your 'own' family are with you. They love you... and that's all that really matters."

it's true...and so obvious...why do we need to be reminded of the obvious ?

anyway....that kept things in perspective for me...

but then, on the way home...it was such an emotional day....we were in flight...each having a glass of wine.... and I was thinking about....two years....

thinking that....it's nice to be able to book a flight and not worry that the credit card will be declined because it is past due or over the limit....or even....when i planned to make the trip alone....not to have to stress out over what mail might arrive while I was away and whether or not he'd open it....to not have all of these secrets....

but then...

there ARE still secrets.

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day...saying that...i imagine SOMEday my husband and my children will come across this blog...and read it.

my friend asked if that bothered me...because my date last gambled is here....and my husband doesn't know I've gambled that recently.

I said....i hope that...if he does ever read it...that he will see who i am and how i've grown...and that date will be irrelevant.

but still....it remains a secret.

so we are on the plane...and i am thinking...considering....and i just blurt it out..

"Today marks two years since I have placed a bet of any kind."

"huh? When did you gamble last?"

"Two years ago today."

"On what?"

"A machine."

"You didn't tell me."

"I'm telling you now."

that was basically it.
we started talking about something else.
he doesn't 'get' it...he doesn't realize it was a 'big deal'...or...maybe he does and just doesn't know how to respond?
it doesn't really matter....I've said it before....

it really isn't necessary for him to 'get it'....I have you guys for that.

it feels really good not to hide any more tho.

I never realize how painful secrets are...until I let them go.

KNOWING versus DOING

Anytime I imagine what some future day or event will be like...I'm almost always wrong. Maybe actual circumstances will be better....maybe worse than I'd imagined...but they're almost always different.

Thursday, 10-30, marks my two year milestone.

I don't 'count days' anymore....but I've really been looking forward to this...in the same way I do an anniversary or birthday...hmmmmm....the way I looked forward to a birthday when i was six??? LOL

anyway
I guess I sort of imagined I would take the day off....take a break from this whirlwind of a life I've created and just 'be' for a change....maybe hang out in safe harbor chat room....stay logged into msn and yahoo chat...catch up with some friends I haven't visited with in a while.

But my grammy died last weekend.

So I'm leaving in the morning....to Los Angeles to attend her services.

There is a LOT of drama around this.....not the least of which, I haven't seen my father in twenty years...long story and it's not relevant here...but....my insides are....they are racing....and tight.

it's complicated.

I keep imagining different scenarios...what these next two days will hold....I know it won't actually be anything like what I imagine...but it's difficult to not think about it.

So yeah....I'm having a hard time staying in the day....and dealing with things as they arise....trying not to CREATE problems (in my mind)....

but I'm trying :)

I'm not the first one to say this, but...recovery is pretty easy when everything's going your way...it's when sh*t happens....when people let us down....or become ill...or die....or...just when circumstances aren't what we'd hoped for......that we really have to USE these 'life skills' that recovery teaches.

the thing is...sh*t is GONNA happen.....I'm grateful to have these 'skills' to fall back on.

OK--- so I *KNOW* what to do....it's just a matter of DOING it.

Relax
Accept what I cannot change
change what I can
Stay in the moment....I only need deal with what is immediately before me.

Love,
Peg

It's not an 'act'

A few weeks ago I called a friend of mine.

Her husband answered. He said she was at the casino.

She is often at the casino.

I was thinking about how sad that is...for him...for her..for them....and I reflected to when I was doing the same thing....sometimes staying out all night long...coming home just in time to get him off to work and the kids off to school....or sneaking away for small bits of time here and there, throughout the weekend...never sitting still....spending any time just 'being' with them.

I was thinking about how glad I am that I don't gamble any more.

Because....when I gamble, it is not an 'act'.

It is a way of life.

Gambling Spouse

After I stopped gambling in 2002, I shared that I had a gambling problem with a few close friends.

One afternoon I was going to lunch with one of them...and she said to me "I heard this man on a radio program recently. His wife had a gambling problem...and his story about their marriage...their life was so sad...it was terrible...over and over again she would lie and start gambling again....at the end of the program they asked him if he had any advice for someone who was married to a problem gambler and he said 'Get out. Leave. It will never get better. They will never stop.'" and my friend told me when he said that she thought to herself "oh, well this is different than what Peg has".

What advice would I give to the spouse of a compulsive gambler?

Well I absolutely wouldn't advise them to stay or to leave. That is an individual choice.

I would suggest that if they decided to stay, they take steps to protect themself....know the financial situation...do whatever they are able to protect the finances from the spouse with the problem.....never ever ever take their eye off that ball....even if the spouse hasn't gambled in FOREVER....keep an eye on the finances and do not be secretive about it...make it known that they are watching....closely.....always.

and I would offer them this.....
the compulsive gambler may continue gambling for the rest of his/her life bringing only misery to himself and those around him

or
perhaps he/she will seek help....in which case.....this person is very likely to become a better person/spouse than he/she has ever been....as many people I know have done

or
they may fall somewhere in between

and unfortunately.....there is no way to tell....how any particular one of us is going to turn out. (In fact....while we are caught up in the cycle, to look at ANY of us, it would be difficult to imagine how we could ever be OK again).

I guess....in some ways.....for the spouse of a compulsive gambler to choose to stay with us is a gamble for THEM.

But it is a gamble that many of them are winning.....because many of 'us' are finding a way...to be OK....to be BETTER than OK.

Hugs,
Peg

The Flight Response

When I was in the cycle...I gambled when I was angry.
I gambled when I was sad.
I gambled when I was happy.

I didn't need a reason.
If I was awake, I wanted to gamble, and if there was any way to make it happen, I did.

Once free, though....I'm truly free.

My 'addictive voice' is really very quiet....and my 'higher self' is very aware that the addictive voice lies and that listening to it will only bring misery.

But

when I am angry or afraid...the fight or flight response kicks in and there really is no rational thought going on...I want to flee....and fleeing...for me....is at a machine.

I found some interesting info on the fight or flight response:

When we experience excessive stress—whether from internal worry or external circumstance—a bodily reaction is triggered, called the "fight or flight" response. Originally discovered by the great Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon, this response is hard-wired into our brains and represents a genetic wisdom designed to protect us from bodily harm. This response actually corresponds to an area of our brain called the hypothalamus, which—when stimulated—initiates a sequence of nerve cell firing and chemical release that prepares our body for running or fighting.

When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. These patterns of nerve cell firing and chemical release cause our body to undergo a series of very dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, "looking for the enemy."
When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into "attack" mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our survival. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Like airport security during a terrorist threat, we are on the look out for every possible danger. We may overreact to the slightest comment. Our fear is exaggerated. Our thinking is distorted. We see everything through the filter of possible danger. We narrow our focus to those things that can harm us. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world.
We can begin to see how it is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs when we are stuck in survival mode. Our heart is not open. Our rational mind is disengaged. Our consciousness is focused on fear, not love. Making clear choices and recognizing the consequences of those choices is unfeasible. We are focused on short-term survival, not the long-term consequences of our beliefs and choices. When we are overwhelmed with excessive stress, our life becomes a series of short-term emergencies. We lose the ability to relax and enjoy the moment. We live from crisis to crisis, with no relief in sight. Burnout is inevitable. This burnout is what usually provides the motivation to change our lives for the better. We are propelled to step back and look at the big picture of our lives—forcing us to examine our beliefs, our values and our goals.

that...and more...here http://www.thebodysoulconnection.com/EducationCenter/fight.html

they go on to talk about how....this built-in function was once necessary for our physical survival....but that in the modern world....our dangers are primarily psychological.

maybe that's why what I want to FLEE to is also psychological.

My addiction didn't develop this way....but once it had a foothold....once I (subconsciously) realized where to find (psychological) relief....gambling became my 'default flight response'.

This makes learning relaxation techniques mandatory....so that...when I have the overwhelming desire...no...not desire....COMPULSION....it is not optional...it feels MANDATORY.....when that happens.... I can put those techniques into use.

Isn't it ironic that this inborn genetic response, that is designed to protect me......has gone awry to the point that....to 'flee' danger (by gambling)...I would actually destroy myself.

In and out of this

I know lots of people with a gambling addiction.

It's so hard to break free from this.

Sometimes.....once we are free....we truly FEEL free...we KNOW we don't want to gamble again...we are happy to be out of the hell...we are confident and strong.

Sometimes we decide to experiment...

or....maybe we are angry or frustrated or grieving.....and we just don't care....

or.....maybe we do it without even really thinking much about it at all...it doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal.

Often....one 'episode' is the beginning of yet another descent...the out of control spiral.

It's so easy to fall into and so difficult to get out of.

The first time we stop gambling...we are usually filled with shame...for having been so out of control...for our behavior...lies...the money that we blew...the waste of time.

If we fall back into the cycle after some period of abstinence...we have the shame of 'going back' on top of that.

I do not believe that relapse has to be a part of recovery....it is not necessary to relapse....but....if we do.....the best thing we can do for ourselves is to rech out...for help.

It's hard for me to do that.

to admit I need help.

some people 'slip' and get right back into recovery...get right back to a meeting or call someone...or SOMEHOW reach out for help.

others....like me.....are unable to do that.

I continued to gamble for two more years.

As much shame as I felt...a part of me didn't want to quit....I sort of knew that...when I DID quit again....it would be for a long time....so I wanted to 'get it out of my system'.

it's lies...it's all lies.
our mind....tells us all sorts of things when we are caught up in this.

when i was gambling, all i could see was me.
my pain.
my situation.
my stupidity.
my need to continue gambling.

In the very early days...gambling was fun, exciting....pleasurable.

Once we get to the point that gambling causes us pain....I don't know if it's ever really 'fun' again.
we may want to do it.
we may have a hard time stopping.
but are we really enjoying it??

there are times, when i was gambling that i might've said yes --but that, too, was an illusion...a lie.

If you are currently free from the cycle....I encourage you to make changes in your life that will assist you in staying free .....and in finding happiness.

If you are currently gambling.....much love to you....you don't have to be alone.

reach out...to someone...somewhere....alone is too lonely.

How do I change?

Well see....

If I decide that I need to become more organized, for instance (which I very much need to do)...how do I do that?

'be more organized' is so general.

I cannot just...wake up tomorrow and 'be more organized'.

so what CAN I do?

well....

I can organize what is before me right now.
this minute.
if I am bringing in the mail...rather than just set the pile on the counter (maybe on top of yesterday's mail)....I can do this ONE thing...in an organized manner...I can pitch anything that is junk mail....put any bills in the 'to be paid' box...and file away anything that needs to be saved.
right now.

doing that one small act doesn't 'make me an organized person'...
but
if...i resolve....to do the NEXT thing I do in an organized fashion....if I continuously do the task at hand...in a more orderly way....
one day
i will realize
that i am no longer an unorganized 'person'.

sometimes....when I suddenly 'get' these things...those old sayings ('Rome wasn't built in a day' or even 'one day at a time') ring true...and I think...geez....why didn't I see this a long time ago?

I'm off...to do the next right thing...
you have a good day :)

Extremes

I was talking with a friend the other day...about how we are extremists.

well...maybe YOU aren't...but my friend and I are....and it would appear that many people in recovery are as well.

I've been this way my whole life...not just with gambling (cuz I sure did gamble to the extreme!)....for example...

if, for some reason, I suddenly needed...i dunno...a rug....I would find out everything there is to know about rugs...I would know all of the terminology around rugs...that there is a difference between 'handmade' and 'hand knotted'...and I would be pretty much...well...consumed with rugs...and...excited even.

Usually...these things are short-lived.

Anyway.....if I decide to do something....I get excited about it and I'm 'all in'.

Actually...that's one reason that in 2002 when I found g.a. and started reading....once I realized that....without God...I was basically doomed (to a life of gambling, I mean)....I thought I was pretty screwed....for a few reasons...

first of all...I didn't really believe in God.
and
I really didn't want to.
cuz...I sort of knew that....if I was gonna believe in this...then I was gonna do it all-out....like I do everything...
I mean...as much as religous zealots ummmmm rub me the wrong way....I sort of 'get it'....

If I really believed..with all of my heart that if I did this and this and that....that I would live eternity in bliss....and that...whoever DIDN'T...was gonna burn in hell...in unimaginable and unending pain...torture....well...I don't want that for anyone....and...if I knew how to avoid that fate...I would want to ...well...'save' them...right?

so yeah...I get it.
as irritated as I get when people try to 'save' me...lol...I do get it.

where was I anyway?
oh yeah--- if I do something...I am 'all in'....

and if it's actually 'doing' something...I'm gonna be the BEST at doing it...give it all I've got...

in talking to this friend the other day....it sort of seems like...many people...go from one extreme to the other....doing/thinking/living nothing but gambling (or drinking or drugging or whatever).....and THEN....once they are able to break free.... they (we) are 'consumed' with 'recovery'....

I'm not bashing that...not at all...I mean....the extreme of living in addiction is.....extremely bad...... and if one finds a way out of that.....and is even REMOTELY happy....well...good for them.....for some people...I imagine...being 'extreme' in recovery....is the only way they don't end up back at the other extreme (using/gambling).

but

for me....'recovering' means a lot of changes....

one of those changes has to be (for me)....finding balance.
in everything.

I can do this...

Second post today---

It was good to be there....

comfortable.

I only cried a little :)

The fact is....I sort of worked through most of my 'stuff' this morning...preparing for the appointment.

You know...I've talked before about how difficult it is for me to put names to my feelings.

But....there's more to it than that....I have always PRETENDED to be ok even when I'm not.....there was no way to tell what was going on inside...by looking at the outside.

I tend to keep whatever's going on on the inside....on the inside....LOL unless I'm really angry -

so this is tough....coming here...these past few days...and not too long ago it also happeneded....these...blues...this...whatever it is....it's not easy saying...I'm not strong...I'm not ...I'm not OK.

but day after day, I come here...I'm practically a cheer-leader.....Y O U C A N DO THIS.....

and I talk alot about the feelings...mood swings, etc. in sort of general terms.

it would feel dishonest to only write when I'm happy and things are going well...

I'm surprising myself in many ways these days.....

I'm not perfect.

Life's not perfect..

But all I have to deal with is right now....and I can do that.

Write

So I woke up this morning feeling anxious.

I only slept a few hours...it was that feeling..where...nothing in particular was wrong..it just felt like....'all is not well'....like I needed to do 'something'..but having no idea what it is?

I mean....I've had things going on recently that have been bothersome...but I wasn't really fretting over any of that....I just had that fragmented feeling...like i'm not ok.

a few hours later my stomach began to hurt....is this making me physically ill or do i have a bug?

anyways....I have that 1:00 appointment...and usually, before I go...I sort of go through, in my head, what I will talk about.
well it's been AGES since I've seen her....and a lot to talk about....a lot going on right now.

a friend of mine suggested I write....get my thoughts together so that my meeting is 'productive'.
I've never done that before...our meetings just sort of...go wherever they need to go.

but this morning....I knew that this 'all is not well' fragmented feeling wasn't really rational.....so I decided to try something....

I wrote about my life in regards to:

Relationships
Finances
Home
Recovery
Responsibilities

I focused mainly on the problems in those areas.

Then I made a list of

Things that are good in my life

So there it was....all the yuck...and all the good stuff too....my life.

SO THENNNNNN

I wrote about

What I can change :)

then

What I must accept.

This is do-able.

It's amazing how much better I feel than I did just a few hours ago...I'm not 'all better'...but that's ok....I'm good...

We resist writing...or at least *I* do (ha! I blog--- I mean...I resist writing about my inner most feelings....or such things as the project I took on this morning) but.... it really can...this exercise helped me to 'see' my life....and sort of...helped me to focus...on what I need to do.

Note to my therapist

I did cry...and slept most of the day yesterday.

Went to bed early anyway and feel ok today.

Not great, but ok.

My husband will be leaving the country soon for a business trip.

He's concerned....he has no experience with depression...or for crying for no particular reason...or just wanting to stay in bed.

He's as 'normal' as they come.

So he's worried.
and he has to leave.

So he asks me yesterday if I would call my therapist to make an appt. I started seeing her in 2002 when I couldn't stop gambling....have seen her off and on since....haven't seen her in a while...I've been fine :)

Ordinarly, I would do what I always do....say 'ok' then not call..for weeks...or months even.

But...I have felt so good for so long....and her office is a great place to cry.
So I knew it was a good idea.
Still....
I didn't call her.

So last night....I sent her an email to see if she had any openings...

and this morning...while driving the boys to school....it suddenly hit me....something remarkable about that email.

I'll copy it here....to see if you catch it.....


Don’t know where your phone number is so I thought I’d give this a shot.

It’s nothing major really….a million little things…but I’m not ok.

I just want to cry….to stay in bed and cry.

I don’t, of course, I can’t.
But I would if I could….and I imagine it shows on my face…

Long story short…both boys are doing really poorly in school (what’s new)…then….xxxxxxxxxxprivate info about my son which I should not share herexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

The following day, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxprivate info about my son which I should not share herexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

THEN…Sunday…xxxxxxxxxxMORE private info about my son that I should not share herexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

I keep telling myself that I’m a good mom.
I know I am.
I’m a good mom who just has a kid who does whatever the hell he wants regardless of what his good parents say or do.

My husband leaves Friday on business and I think he’s afraid to leave me right now.

I’m not dangerous to myself or others…but I could probably benefit from an hour on your sofa.

Got any openings?

That's it.
Did you catch it?

I didn't even mention it.

Whether or not I am Gambling no longer defines me.

p.s. I see her tomorrow at 1

Crying over nothing

Maybe it's just me....

I wanna cry...feel all of these tears inside of me...but I hold them in.

HAVE to hold them in.

My life is pretty good...my husband would be confused and worred...'what is making you cry?' "What is WRONG???"

The thing is....lots of things could potentially make me cry...breaking an arm, for instance, that'd make me cry....and even things that don't hurt me PHYSICALLY....like...when a lover moves on....or you broke some precious item that a much loved relative passed down to you that can never be replaced...

yep...there are lots of reasons to cry.

but what about those times....when there really isn't a 'thing'...nothing big enough to cry over, anyhow....maybe someone says something ugly....and you let it go.......then you drop the spahetti as you're putting it into the refrigerator...yeah...a mess....but again, nothing to CRY over....but when these things just keep coming and coming and coming....and to try to SHARE them with someone seems ridiculous....

can you imagine...

sobbing.....barely speaking through tears....and he said that *I* would have to drive the kids to the party and then I dropped the spaghetti and then and then.

cmon.

it's not something you can share...because it's nothingness.
it's all of the nothingness that isn't worthy of a tear....but it builds....and it builds until what is needed is a good cry.

I can't think of any other way to alleviate it.

The house is empty now, so I can do it without having to attempt to explain....and without worrying anyone too much.

I'll be OK.
Really.
It's just nothingness that's been building.

Ups and Downs

For a long time I've had skip in my step...you know....a few ups and downs here and there, but basically life's been good.

But then....well...you know...things change....and while I still have a wealth of things to be grateful for...it's sometimes hard to see them...or...to remain grateful for them anyway.

The yucky stuff gets overwhelming.

I haven't see my therapist for a while...haven't needed to....i've been fine...but I slept most of the day yesterday and I'd really like to continue that today....my husband asked me to call her...to go have a talk.

I should.
I probably will.
Soon.
Don't feel like it right now.

For a week I've been saying I feel the need to cry...to just spend a day in bed and cry.....think I'll do that today.
then maybe will call for an appointment later.

It's quite remarkable, to me.....how I go from THAT person...to THIS....and knowing that I will go back again.....in time.

i'm so tired.....

Be a Voice for Recovery

A woman posted recently on one of the forums I read.
She doensn't work any 12 step program...has abstained from gambling for over 10 years.
She lives near me evidently...during the evacuation for hurricane Ike....she justified it.....and began gambling again.

It upset me.....so I was talking to my friend...who said..."yes...but she's OUT there...and no oen even KNEW....how many people who are OUT there...NOT gambling...and are NOT logging in to tell us they've slipped because they HAVEN'T?"

good point.

Now....some would say..'if she had been working the program she wouldn't have slipped.'

ok.

problem is...'working the program' is REALLY something that you do in your heart.

No one can look at you, and by your deeds, know whether or not you are 'working your program'

often...people slip...and only THEN do they ackowledge "well...I WAS going to meetings, and I WAS talking to my sponsor but I WASN"T doing this or that"

so
they THOUGHT they were safe....but they obviously weren't doing SOMETHING tht needed to be done.

so when people....in g.a. look as someone like this woman, with ten years abstinence...and say 'you should've been working the program (ie attending g.a.)
I sort of think that's b.s.

I mean...maybe she should've been....
but....attending g.a. is NOT necessarily gonna keep you free.

I know many people who attend ga and are never able to BREAK free...and many who HAVE broken free.....who break abstinence also.

Certainly....there are things that we must do.

This woman, like me, rerturned to gambling when she was in pain, or fearful.

ANYWAYYYYYYY

the point of this entry...is not to debate whether or not g.a. is necessary to maintain long term abstinence.

The purpose...is to say that people ARE doing so.

Maybe because they cannot get beyond the 'God' thing.
Maybe because they have had bad experience with people at their local g.a. meetings.
I imagine there are many reasons for a person to not attend g.a.
Many of us cannot stop gambling without it.

But some do.

Most of the people that I know, who are free for a long period of time....are active in g.a.

That used to make me think that I'd have to remain active in g.a. if I ever wanted to 'be free for a long time (ie forever)'

But i've met many 'alcoholics' who are free from their addiction who do not attend AA.

I imagine there are many of us as well.

Some of the folks that I've met in G.A. truly seem to be living the program to the best of their ability.....working to be more honest, accepting, humble.

but not too many.

and personally, I don't want to be tht tied up in an ORGANIZATION.

I dont wanno go to christmas parties and picnics.
they're GREAT...for those who want them....I just don't.

I don't want g.a. to be my LIFE.

I draw a lot from what they teach......but much of that is found elsewhere also...in christian teachings, buddhism, much of this stuff is ancient wisdom....about how to live....and be happy.

anyway....

One of the things that G.A. members do that I *DO* admire...is step 12 work....'reaching out to help the compulsive gambler who still suffers'.

One of the things that would be helpful....to me, for sure....is if people who were able to break free some OTHER way would make themselves known.....to share how they did it.....and to offer hope to those that are struggling.

I hope that....even if I ever DO get to a place where I feel I COULD just walk away from it all and never look back.....that I won't do that....not completely...

so that others may know...
you can be ok.

Love,
Peg

Maintaining Abstinence

I have seen so many people break abstinence.

I've seen people with many years of abstinence, working the g.a. program, return to gambling.

I've seen people...who never thought they'd be able to stop...who were so ALIVE...and so FREE...and so RELIEVED to be that....gambling just a day or so after having expressed that.

I've seen people who have been attending g.a. meetings regularly for YEARS break abstinence repeatedly.

Often, I am shocked (and saddened) when I hear of someone gambling after years of freedom.

WHy does it happen?
Why does it shock me when it does?

Well..I know, for myself....that this thing rarely rears it's head...I almost never even THINK to gamble.
I go about my life and it's a non-issue.

But....every once in a while....
something happens
or maybe
nothing at all happens?

and I want to.

When I stopped gambling in 2002...I was happy and free....for nearly two years without EVER wanting or thinking to gamble.....when I had reason(s) to grieve....which, for me, amounts to reason(s) to gamble.

And now...having stopped again in 2006...again....there wasn't a thought to gamble for nearly two years....and THIS time...I was not grieving (i think?).....but again.....gambling became an option...well..more than an option...I WANTED it.

The difference is....in 2004 (the first time this happened to me)... a) I was not 'actively' pursuing 'personal growth and b) I did not have the tools necessary to abstain during that difficult time.

Just recently...when I wanted to gamble.... I had both of things...AND I was able to choose to use them (although it was difficult...I DID want to gamble).

Time and time again, when people 'come back' after breaking abstinence, they talk about how they 'stopped working their program and..'

so it's an ongoing thing.

An old-timer with many years of recovery/abstinence was such a shock for me...I couldn't believe it....HOW? HIM????

Sometimes...we look at people who are free and we think 'he/she has done it'

but the truth is.... we must continue to do it....it's an ongoing thing.

well

for ME it's not a DAILY ongoing thing.

I can stop 'working recovery' now...and be fine.
for months...perhaps years.

the problem is...

if there *IS* a day.....some day....when I want to gamble again....and I'm not 'working recovery'...even WITH the tools that I have....will I be able to choose to use them?

so what does 'working recovery' entail?

well...the word 'recovery' is sort of used by the 12 step community to mean...working the 12 steps.

which I don't really do.

I do use the word...because....well....I haven't found a better word for what I do...and because...I AM doing SOMETHING.

for me....'recovery' is.....trying to live by a set of principles that make me feel glad to be alive...and to be human....and as an added bonus...if I'm working on this every day...I negate any possibility of actually gambling, if and when the desire does arise.

Find a way

If you're just seeking help/information for the first time....welcome....there are many resources to help people with a gambling problem.

Gambler's Anonymous Meetings are the most widely known resource but there are many online groups as well.

I highly recommend finding a group that suits you...and participating.

If you are unable or unwilling to participate actively...at least READ (lurk) on a regular basis.

It helps.

If you have tried and tried to quit without success....CHANGE something.

Many of us were unable to stop if given the choice to carry on.

I couldn't.

I gave up my access to money.

Most of us are loathe to do that.

I understand.

I wasn't crazy about it myself....but...for ME it wasn't a permanent thing...and it worked.

With no money, one cannot gamble.

I had no credit cards and I had to account for every penny that I DID spend.

I tried not to be resentful during that time....to recognize that it was for my GOOD...that it was HELPING me.

Sometimes it felt that way, sometimes not.

But I'm free now. :)

I have friends that managed to break free by banning themselves.

I'll bet that's D*MN hard to do....walk into a place, fill out paperwork saying 'dont let me come here again'.

but it's easier than those rides home were.

a lot easier than that.


Putting up roadblocks like this isn't gonna save us if we are determined to gamble....
and different roadblocks work for different people.

and even....different roadblocks work for the SAME person..at different points in time.

if you're trying to stop....and you gamble....try to think of a roadblock that might've prevented THIS particular 'outing'...and put it into place...so there isn't a NEXT time.

I know...
it's hard to do
when you want to stop
but
you really DON'T want to stop too.

The thing is....we DON'T want to stop...because we LOVE it....or because it's FUN...or...it's the only thing that makes us HAPPY...

but if that's true

why DO we want to stop?

we are probably NOT feeling very happy if we are online, looking for help for a 'gambling problem'

problem.

it IS a problem.

that's the thing isn't it?

we want to gamble and for it NOT to be a problem.

some people do.

why not us?

we spend a lot of time trying to understand this...trying to figure it all out...trying to make it work (so that we can continue to gamble without hurting ourselves).

I give it a lot of thought too....still.

but

whether I understand it or not....deep down...I know what must be done.

I imagine you do too.

Take care of you,
Love,
Peg

Older Problem Gamblers Face Increased Suicide Risk

"irrespective of age, problem gamblers have reported rates of suicidal ideation and/or attempts as high as six times those found in the general population"

The entire article here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20080929/hl_hsn/olderproblemgamblersfaceincreasedsuiciderisk

on Being Imperfect

more on the book...'The SPirituality of Imperfection".

The introduction opens with this quote:

"Baseball teaches us, or has taught most of us, how to deal with failure. We learn at a very young age that failure is the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold in high regard those who fail less often- those who hit safely in one out of three chances and become star players. I also find it fascinting that baseball, alone in sport, considers errors to be part of the game, part of it's rigorous truth." -- Francis T. Vincent Jr, Commissioner of Baseball.

the book goes on to say that:

The spirituality of imperfection begins with the recognition that trying to be perfect is the most tragic human mistake.

Yes....I see.

I understand.

I *do* think I should be 'perfect' and I also know that I will never be.

At the same time....it's important for me to be careful to not simply DISMISS my faults as 'oh well...I'm only human...this is just the way I am'.

yeah...I AM only human....and I will always have faults....I cannot be perfect so striving for perfection is futile.

but

i can be better.

I cannot be perfect...but I can always be 'better'.

Information and Resources for Problem Gamblers

If you haven't already, you may want to have a look at this link which lists many sites with information and resources for Compulsive Gamblers....

there are links to posting forums...gambler's anonymous literature....chat rooms...general information about gambling, gambling problems, debt and recovery.

Be well.

Top Compulsive Gamblers Sites for Recovery

Spirituality

So I'm reading a book entitled 'The Spirituality of Imperfection'.

It isn't a book FOR or ABOUT A.A. necessarily ---but it does reference AA quite a bit.

here's a snippet:

"....it is the unconventionality of AA's spirituality-its wariness of the dogma and directives of organized religion- that has appealed to so many men and women who, like Bill Wilson, could not find the answer to their despair in conventional religion. For although it insists on the necessity of 'the spiritual' for recovery, AA has always presented it's program as 'spiritual rather than religious.' The problem with organized religions, Bill Wilson once complained, 'is their claim how confoundedly right all of them are.' The spirituality of imperfection that forms the heart and soul of AA mkes no claim to be 'right'. "

I've been pondering this....

then

yesterday, I was having my hair done...my hairdresser is my friend and this is a time for us to 'catch up' on each others' lives...we have children the same ages, lots in common....many of our talks are on a 'deep' level...

so she asks me what therapist I see.

I tell her I haven't seen her in a while..I'm doing ok...but I'll give her the info before I leave...

she says...well...you just seem to learn so much from her.

well...I have.

but....I knew that she was under the wrong impression.

The things that I talk about with her....forgiveness...acceptance....relationships....these are not things that I've been taught by my therapist....

I've learned these things in 'recovery'.

So I've been thinking...about this 'spiritual program'...and how....

while there are many references to God....this program, as I see it, differs from religion in that...it is not about 'getting to heaven' ...it isn't at all about living in the hereafter.

My spirit

If I have one

and I believe that I do..

is here with me

now

in THIS life....

so...my concern....my focus...on my spirituality...is on what and how my spirit is doing NOW.

It's about how to live THIS life.....in the best possible way.

Gambling and attention deficit disorder

"One of the first and most obvious things was that these were folks who couldn't relax, couldn't slow down, who were very restless," Rugle says. "If you tried to do any kind of relaxation with them, it was almost too painful for them to endure."

the entire article here:

http://www.addcentre.co.uk/gamblingandadd.htm

what i want....

For a long time I had to focus on JUST NOT GAMBLING.

It was hard.

The thoughts consumed me.

But after a while....they don't.

They're still there for a while...but it's just that...a thought...not an obsession.

THAT is when we need stop stop focusing on what we don't want to do (gamble)...after all..we're NOT doing it any longer....
and we need to decide

what do we WANT?

we know what we don't want.

but now what?

It took me a while for my thinking to clear....
for a while, after I stopped gambling, it took every bit of effort to get back to doing what HAD to be done...my RESPONSIBILITES....

working...housework...errands....all of those things were (sometimes still are) so hard to do.

but there's more to life than that.

more than just 'filling our days' with something to do.

more than just finding OTHER things to do in order to not gamble.

yeah...we DO need to find other things to fill our time with...hobbies...rebuilding relationships... boredom can be dangerous.

but there's more to it than that.

I don't want to not gamble so that I won't be in debt and constantly worried about money.

I want to know that I have what I NEED....and even be able to have FUN money..to do REAL things with...

For instance...last week I found a really neat cake....it's a pumpkin cake...reminds me of one my mom used to make....I ordered and had them shipped to my nieces and nephew as a Halloween gift.

They were THRILLED!

so was I :)

I don't want to not gamble so that I don't suffer those highs and lows...and come home in a panic trying to hurry up and accomplish what I should have been doing all day long.

I don't want to not gamble so that I can sit through a family function...like a holiday dinner...without...well..you know.

Now that I am no longer gambling...

My life cannot be about not gambling.

My life has to be about...what I DO want.

The stigma

Most of us don't seek help for a long time...for many reasons.

Not the least of these, I think, is the stigma of having a gambling problem.

You know...my state must have a great anti-gambling lobby because there is lots of information and resources...1-800 numbers on billboards, etc.

Anywhere I'd play..there would be signs displayed that say "If you have a gambling problem call 1-800..."

of course I wouldn't call.

of course I didn't have a gambling problem.

well...sure...I did have a problem...of sorts...I mean...I was gambling too much and had gotten into debt...and ...well...but it wasn't a GAMBLING PROBLEM --per se'.

people with gambling problems...in my mind...well...they weren't like ME.

I know better now :)

we are senior citizens...we are very young...
we are shy, loners
we are social butterflies
we are (or started out) wealthy
we are poor
we are successful businessmen and women
we are laborers
we are highly educated
we have had little schooling
we wear designer clothes and shoes
we get our clothes from second hand stores
we are obnoxious
we are very nice people

a few years ago, i stopped at a store to buy a pack of cigarettes and the guy behind the counter looked shocked...handed me the cigarettes and said 'you don't look like you'd be smoker.'

someone once told me at a g.a. meeting 'you don't look like a gambler'.

yeah...I thought so too.

*I* just gambled for FUN.

People who needed that 1-800 number...were nothing like me...they were...they were....???
well..they didn't LOOK like me or THINK like me or DRESS like me or ACT like me-

that's what I thought...
because I had an image..of what a problem gambler was...and it wasn't me.

This thing...doesn't care who you are or how smart you are or how successful ...
it doesn't matter if you were the prom queen...
you are not exempt.

none of us are.

We cannot get help...we WON'T get help...until we acknowledge that we need it.

There is help.

Get it together

I had an appointment this morning and as I was leaving the house I realized my wallet isn't in my purse.

Well..it's not really a wallet..it's a really skinny decorative metal thing that holds cash, credit cards, drivers license --and it was gone?

Long story short...it took me a while to locate it even tho I had it this morning...gave the boys lunch money..so I KNEW it was here....but it took a while.

When I finally found it...I thought 'how the h*ll did it get there???'
and the same thing happened the other day with my toothbrush...

my husband asked me why I put my toothbrush in his cup?

huh?

I didn't.

I don't use his cup.
don't get near it.

well..I *DO* use his sink (which ticks him off by the way).. so I was NEAR the cup...but I KNOW I didn't touch it

or put my toothbrush in it.

but

I had to have.

unless we have ghosts.
poltergeists, no less.

doubt it.

so this morning...after I find my 'wallet'....I'm thinking.....

Presence.

You know....last year at this time...I was 'practicing' presence...incorporating some other things (relaxation techniques etc.) into my day as well.

When you're practicing being AWARE or present....you are paying attention to every little thing...every sensation...everything...

when you're doing that...you're really focused on what you're doing.

I don't think I ever drove away from the house wondering if I'd locked the front door or left the iron turned on when I was practicing presence....I KNEW what I'd done because I wasn't just going through my day....through my LIFE on auto-pilot.

so yeah....maybe this 'down' time was an opportunity for me to rethink things...and to regroup and restart.

working with others

So...I pulled out the Big Book of AA to find that reference about helping another alcoholic....and I found all sorts of interesting things as I flipped through it.

I always do :)

It's an interesting book.

In the section about 'working with others'...the 'instructions' given are quite different than what I see happening in 12 step groups...it says "If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience..........we merely have an approach that worked for us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like to be friendly. Let it go at that"

follow his own conscience.....I often hear people saying "look where YOUR thinking got you!"

and...in the book....there's this "Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you willl do anything to help."

From time to time...someone will post (at a website for compulsive gamblers) some information from the Big Book of AA and inevitably someone will protest "We are not alcoholics! We don't need that information..we have our OWN program, our OWN literature!"

yes...we do....literature that says "Honesty, openmindedness and willingness are the keywords in our recovery........"

Carry this message

A little better today.

A 'quiet storm' is what one friend called it.

I don't talk about it much...but I guess if I were to call it something..it would be a 'dark'

something?

it's more than a mood.

period maybe. spell.

anyway...it's beginning to lift.

I don't think 'normal' people get that....not like THAT.

I think most of 'us' do.

I think that maybe I learned something tho ---- something about me --- about 'us'.

You know...I am almost always 'up' these days...as in my 'mood'.

Well...I have two friends that have really been 'there' for me these past few days...making every effort to make me feel that I am not alone.

They do this because...well..because they are my friends, but also because...they 'get' it.

so they have been...ummm...trying to 'lift my spirits'.

hasn't helped me really...but I have seen a change in both of THEM.
both of THEM seem hmmmm somewhat 'lifted'.

and it occurs to me...

I spend a lot of time talking to others...'lifting' them, if you will, and you know....

I've always said that 'its hard to gamble when you spend all of your time talking about not gambling'.

I'm now beginning to think that....'its hard to be 'down' when you spend all of your time telling others that 'things can be ok'...that 'life can be good'....'


This reminds me of something that I heard or read somewhere...that when an alcoholic thinks he needs a drink...what he really needs is another alcoholic.

I was just looking in the Big Book of AA (the basis of all 12 step programs)...to try to find this...and

Right...I know...I'm not an alcoholic....
a g.a. old-timer once gave me this book and said 'read this....anywhere it says alcohol, mentally substitue the word gambling'

it is remarkably like 'us'...or....well...at least it is remarkably like ME.

anyway....of course, I couldn't find it....but there are many places that say exactly that...for instance...in the FOREWARD "It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery.'

'permanent recovery'

i like the sound of that.

the blues

I'm really not wanting to write.

I have the blues.

Not for any particular reason, I think?

So...I'm thinking...no one wants to hear about that.

It's depressing.

and it isn't relevant anyway.

plus....I am prone to isolate when I'm feeling this way.

I just want to...I dunno...to sleep...to be alone.

but I don't REALLY wanna be alone.

I just feel like I am.

and then I make it so.

anyway...I don't really want to write...but I am writing anyway.

I think it's not fair if I don't.

I mean...if I only write when I have that 'spring in my step'.....or even...when crap is happening and I'm not ok....that isn't really fair.

cuz there are THESE times....
and if YOU hare having them from time to time...it may help to know that...well...you are not alone.

even if it feels like you are.

I've had this before...these...'mood swings'...the 'blahs' for no particular reason...or maybe it IS for a reason...but the mood seems excessive for the circumstance?

I think that I don't usually write during it.

I usually talk about it some AFTER it has passed.

but that's not really fair....I'm not sure I can 'capture' what it was like...after the fact.

what IS it like?

I dunno....

I'm not sure if the mood came first...then these other things began to bother me...or if these other things brought on the mood?

Since I've been home...things are good...normal...and any thoughts of gambling that I had when I was away...are far away...and I'm grateful that I got thru them without having gambled.

but then...I was talking to a friend the other day...a friend who has been struggling...gambling off and on...and this friend says 'as you say---if we can forsee any circumstance where gambling may be an option....we must make a plan'.

and I realized that I CAN forsee a circumstance where I would likely gamble.

and I don't want to take steps to prevent it.

that's scary as hell to me.

it's insane.

but still....it is what i feel.

this...'circumstance'...

when we were in Idaho a few months ago, there was a woman on the news...her husband and her two sons...16 and 20 years old, I think, were murdered by an illegal alien from Mexico.

well...the murderers status really isn't important...but...she lost her whole family....in an instant.

I remember years ago reading an article about a woman who lost her husband and child in a plane crash...she survived...and was a mess.

so would I be.

first of all...the likelihood of this actually happen is slim to none (i think)...so I'm probably not in any real danger

but the fact that my mind would consider that an option???

I mean...yes...I would be in despair.

but...gambling...for me....can only lead to desperation...I know this.

so

if I feel terrible

I am going to do something that can only make me feel more terrible??

like i said, it's insane.
and I am fully aware of the repercussions

anway

that's not really what the blues are about, I think.

although that is on my mind....the insanity of that thinking...and how sad it is that even now, the possibility of ever gambling again still lives in me.

but it's more than that....I am on the verge of tears right now...have been for two days and I can't really tell you why.

it's not easy to do this...to 'open up' when I'm feeling this way.

it's ok.
i'm ok.
don't try to make me feel better.
whatever it is...it will pass.
everything changes.
it always does.

Overcoming Problem Gambling

A friend of mine emailed me the other day suggesting that I post the Caught off Guard entry at Gamcare Forum.

So I did...in the "Overcoming Problem Gambling" section.

One of the staff members replied: "Posts like these are so important. They highlight the reality of living the "overcoming". The actual individual experience, that I'm sure many here will relate to. It would be great to see more of this in the "overcoming problem gambling" area."

so I've been thinking about that....and responded there this morning...thought I would put that entry here as well:

Living the "overcoming"

no kidding.

You're right Michelle - most of us tend to use this forum (or other support systems, like G.A.) when we are desperate -- we are in trouble - we can't stop - we need help.

Usually, I think, we are able to manage SOME amount of 'clean time' once we find a group or a method that suits us.

We don't really understand what the problem is.

For some period of time we thought the problem was that we were LOSING so much money....'if I could only win, then everything would be OK'.
or maybe...'if I could only PAUSE for a while...catch up on some bills...take a break...get this under control, then everything would be OK'.

and maybe those things happen for some people, and they are OK.

maybe for some people "Overcoming Problem Gambling" is about "How do I break free of the cycle"

and then they're OK.

I wasn't.

Using G.A. I managed to break free...then...being free...I stopped going.

that was fine.

*I* was fine.

until I wasn't.

when life became difficult (and it always does)...after nearly two years of abstinence...I was gambling again.

I gambled for nearly two more years.

Then...with the help of safe harbor and gamcare and gambler's anonymous....I broke free again.

Breaking free really ISN'T easy.

but once we do...there is ANOTHER aspect to "Overcoming Problem Gambling".

that is....

Is abstinence required in order for me to live my best life?

and if it is....how do I maintain abstinence?

Once we have some time away from our last bet...it's likely that we are feeling pretty good...we may even feel unstoppable.

Maybe some people are.

Maybe some people come here...and post "Please Help!" and "How do I do this?" or any of those pleas that we post in the New members forums when we are desperate....

maybe they come here for a while...post and chat and QUIT...then go away and live happily ever after (at least as far as gambling is concerned).

I imagine some do.

But most of us don't.

Many of us come back after some period of time and post something like "I'm back" or "I did it again" or "I am so stupid" or something like that...

some of us come and go over and over and over again...stopping gambling...then we stop showing up...then we come back....and repeat the cycle.

that's ok....if it's ok with them.

I hate that hurt.

Life is painful enough without inflicting it on myself.

I know that if I gamble...I will fall into the cycle...and I will end up in pain again.

don't want that.

and I am free...for nearly two years now...I haven't gambled...

so for *ME* overcoming problem gambling is no longer about "How do I stop?"....

it is about "How do I LIVE?"and"How do I STAY stopped?"

so far...for me...that answer changes, with time.

as *I* change...what is necessary for me to continue abstinence seems to change.

but for me....it is clear...that I cannot just 'walk away' from it all...from recovery...from the friendship and support of others like me.

I don't wanna DWELL on what I've done.
as a matter of fact, I think it's imperative that we learn to get past that.

I don't wanna SUFFER forever...feeling deprived because I CAN'T gamble.

I don't think we have to.

I don't.

I don't really feel 'punished' that I have to remain 'active' somehow (in recovery)....as a matter of fact..I have made some wonderful friendhsips...
I am learning more about myself than most people ever do.
I like me more today than maybe I ever have.

there's still a lot of work to be done tho :)

but yes....there is so much more to "Overcoming Problem Gambling" than just learning how to stop.

at least....there is for me.