Mind, Body, Spirit

This ‘stuff’ is suddenly everywhere.

I had a pinched sciatic nerve a few months back…I could barely walk…a virtual stranger gives me the name of some guy that she says does ‘body work’ and is amazing….I saw doctors…took pain pills….and steroids…got SOME relief…but…called this guy…who has done physical therapy and also massage…

As it turns out..he does ‘holistic body work’ which is BALANCE between mind, body, and spirit.

Neat.

Spirit.

What is my spirit?

Orrrr

Hmmm

What part of me is not?

It really is everywhere…every book I pick up..even the latest fiction novel that I started has a ‘message’ for me…it’s on tv….the radio..it’s EVERYWHERE….

It

What is IT?

The idea that….My thoughts and my physical reality are intertwined.

The idea that ….we are all connected.

The idea that….thoughts are energy…and can actually affect CHANGE.

The concepts….ego…awareness….gratitude….emotions…acceptance…. forgiveness…… synchronicity…. presence…surrender….

The idea that… I am not who I think I am.

Suddenly…things that I have heard all of my life…I ‘GET’ it….I have the power to make my life anything that I want it to be….

This 'stuff'' is not about RECOVERY......this 'stuff' is about the human experience.

There is more to life than I ever imagined.

Am *I* ready to forgive?

So,

I’ve been thinking about the one person in my life that I have not forgiven.

I’m still not sure that I’m ready.

Funny, I know full well that the resentment only hurts me.

He is dead.

Even after all of these years, I still feel hatred.

So I’ve been thinking about him…and forgiveness.

I’m sure he wasn’t an EVIL man, per se’.

I don’t think that he did the things he did because

Well you know what?

I have no idea why he did the things that he did.

I don’t know.

I know that he hurt people…he hurt me.

And….I keep thinking about what I’ve discovered…about forgiveness…

And….even though I KNOW that it has nothing to do with him (anymore)….He will not get any ‘relief’ if I forgive….he is dead!!!

It’s all about me…it’s all about how *I* feel….and…I THINK I want to feel better….yet a part of me says ‘I still want to be angry’.

I wonder why.

Forgiveness

I’ve heard it said that ‘Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.’

That didn’t make any sense at all.

I mean…sometimes…people just don’t DESERVE to be forgiven. Right?

Sometimes…people aren’t even SORRY for the wrongs that they inflict on others.

Why SHOULD I forgive someone who has wronged me?

That’s not it at all....that is not what forgiveness is about.

But…it’s not just ME that is confused about forgiveness….

Throughout my life…when people have asked me for forgiveness….often, what they have meant is “Can’t you just pretend like this never happened and give me another chance?”

But …that is not what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is not something that is to be done for the OTHER guy…it is not ‘letting him off the hook’…

I can forgive someone…but still take measures to protect myself from future harm.

If my spouse were to abuse me, for instance….I can choose to forgive him…but to leave the relationship. Forgiveness means….’I will no longer allow this event to hurt me.’ ‘This was done to me…but I am no longer going to be angry about it.’

My ex-husband and I did not part on good terms.

I have not seen him in years.

I have no idea where he is or what he is doing.

If I were to still hold resentments…or if I don’t….what difference does it make in his life?

What difference does it make in mine?

Whether or not I forgive...only affects how *I* feel.

The choice to forgive…is not a gift to the other guy….it doesn’t matter whether or not he earns it or deserves it.

The choice to forgive…is a gift to ourselves.

Recovery Worksheets

12 Step Recovery Worksheets

http://www.12step.org/Worksheets-from-12Step.org.html
http://www.12step.org/Worksheets-from-Other-Sources.html
http://www.12step.org/12-step-workbooks.html

Worksheets: Lifering.com Relapse Preventionhttp://www.unhooked.com/lifering.com/workbook/WorkbookRelapse.pdfWorksheets:

Lifering.com Recovery Plan for my Lifehttp://www.unhooked.com/lifering.com/workbook/workbookchapterfourteen.pdf

Worksheet: My List of Negative Gambling Consequences nrgs_worksheet_01.rtf

Worksheet: My List of Warning Signsnrgs_worksheet_02.rtf

Worksheet: Relapse Planhttp://www.recoveryroadmap.com/BigList/RP-15Symptoms.html

Smart Recovery Worksheets
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm

Recovery/Relapse Inventory Worksheet
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/104605-relapse-worksheet.html

Many worksheets provided here, including budgeting info, etc.http://www.angelfire.com/mi4/prgmi/

Honesty

The Big Book of AA says that the program demands ‘rigorous honesty’.

Rigorous defined –
rigidly accurate; allowing no deviation from a standard; "rigorous application of the law"; "a strict vegetarian"
demanding strict attention to rules and procedures; "rigorous discipline"; "tight security"; "stringent safety measures"

Rigorous honesty…before I started gambling I was honest….but I was not RIGOROUSLY honest….

Rigorously honest means….when I am late for an appointment…not making excuses…or exaggerating…..

Rigorously honest means…no exaggerating at all…..

Many of the ‘lies’ that I have told were simply exaggerations….”I did six loads of laundry last night”…when it was only four….and..who the h*ll CARES about that??? As a matter of fact..MOST of the things that I lie about…are insignificant things…there’s really no REASON to lie….if I’m late…can’t I just say “I’m sorry I am late?”

I have a girlfriend, who, if you call her house and she is sleeping….she does not clear her throat in an attempt to sound bright eyed and wide awake…she groggily says “hello”…and if the person on the other end says “oh, I’m sorry…did I wake you?” she does not say “no…not at all”..she says…still in her groggy, half-asleep voice “yes…I’ll call you back later.”

I always thought that was so cool.

I mean…why lie??

The thing is…because I am an addict…because that gambler voice may attempt to take over the dialogue in my head at any time….I need to practice rigorous honesty.

It is difficult to remain active in addiction if one is rigorously honest.

Denial…is a form of dishonesty…it is lying to one’s self.

When that voice starts saying things like “It won’t hurt anything.”
“I won’t stay too long.” “I will control it this time.” Or even “I deserve it.”….if we are practicing living rigorously honest…we will recognize that voice…for what it is…a liar.

I am not perfect…I will never be…don’t desire to be…but….

I would like to be the best me that I can be….

And I want my life.

Getting the Life I Want

So…

I’m not gambling.

But….is this the life I want?

Life is good.

But there are some things that really make me miserable….things that I have control over…yet I do nothing about.

For instance...
I keep saying that I have all of these things to do…around the house….

I am not responsible and I am not organized and…I have too much stuff.

I have too much stuff because I buy things compulsively….and I am not organized.

Since I’m not organized, I buy things I don’t need.

Annnnnddddd

I have a problem throwing things away.

I’m not sure why that is…

I have 4 bottles of cinnamon spice – because I’m not organized…so every time I need cinnamon, I don’t know if I have any and I buy more.

Some of the things that I have…I bought because they were on sale…a bargain…yes….so it’s in the pantry…and I don’t use it…and I don’t use it…and every time (rarely) I organize the pantry…I check the expiration date…and place it back on the shelf.

I keep it…and I am pretty sure…I am almost POSITIVE that I will never use it…but since I spent the money on it…I keep it.

Socks..OMG..the socks…I have a basket with all of the single socks (tons of them) and I won’t discard them….because I KNOW as soon as I do, the other sock will show up…

WHAT? Obviously no one is WEARING these unmatched socks…obviously..we have OTHER socks…

It’s more than that…it’s shoes, handbags, clothing..things I will never ever use again… I keep them because I THINK I may..but..deep down…I know that I will not.

So today…I decided that….I have to make a change….because if I simply organize things….that’s a temporary fix.

There really is no need for all of this stuff….it does not bring me pleasure…as a matter of fact…it often distresses me…there is clutter because the storage is full…and the storage is full of things I don’t want or need.

So today…I came up with a new strategy for cleaning out my storage….

If I keep it….can I use it in the next few weeks?
If I were moving…would I bother to move it?
If I were to discard it…would it inconvenience me at a later date??? Will I NEED this thing?
If so, is it easily replacable?
Will it cost more than a few dollars to replace?
Is it something that I love?

It really puts things in a whole new light….and right now…my pantry is less cluttered than maybe it’s ever been….

The basket of socks…is in the garbage….

And…while it’s a little bit difficult to place something in the ‘trash pile’…once the trash is gone….it feels GOOD….

It almost feels like a punishment…having to do it….I hate it…
But

Afterwards….gifting myself..a living space that is neat and organized….it is so worth it.

It's NOT about...'shame on me' for not being responsible, not being organized...it's NOT about...what I should be doing and am not...it's about...

WHAT DO I WANT FOR MY LIFE??
and how do I make that happen?

Sometimes I have to do things that I don’t want to do….but…right now…I am closer to the life that I want than I was yesterday.

I will only have the life I dream of….if I make it happen.

Listen with an Open Mind

Soooo

There are several posts now that deal with…how to stop….I more or less say the same thing each time…maybe with a slightly different perspective…having gained new knowledge or insight…sometimes, maybe…just saying the same thing in a different way.

When I first started hanging around people in recovery….there were a few concepts or terms that were often mentioned….like….service, spiritual, meditation, ego, pride, humility, acceptance, and of course, one day at a time ...there's more...that's just off the top of my head :)

That ego thing….I just didn’t get that for a long time…and then, one day (very very recently) the lights went on….an aha! Moment….

Usually, when I hear people refer to the ego they say it in sort of a negative way…as if not having an ego was desirous.

That confused the hell out of me…I mean…a healthy ego is good, right? Feeling good about one’s self…a good self-esteem….It has been one of my priorities in mothering my children…to build their self-esteem.

NOW I get it….(although...I still don't see the ego in a negative light...?? maybe I just don't 'get it' enough?) LOL

anyway....now, it makes sense…perfect sense…but…I had to keep hearing it….worded differently maybe….and…at different times….maybe a lot of it has to do with not being ready (ah yes…another one that comes up repeatedly)…I mean….you can’t take a kid who’s never learned addition or subtraction or multiplication…and expect him to understand division??

Soooooo I just had to listen, ask questions.…think about the things I was hearing and reading…..and…continue to be AWARE of myself….and even THAT confused the h*ll out of me!!! How am I supposed to observe myself? Huh?

But sloooooowwwwllly….I understood….not just THINKING my thoughts….but LISTENING to what I was thinking….who is the thinker? Is that my gambling voice? My wise self? Oh no!!! are there other voices in there????....being Aware of my thoughts….and of my emotions….not trying to CHANGE anything really….just becoming conscious of it….

It is so so so important to remain open-minded….I remember the first time I was in chat with someone who was touting the benefits of meditation for a compulsive gambling problem…I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard! Meditation! Isn’t that for hippies??

In hindsight, I’m sure I made an ass of myself that night.

So now…when someone says something that sounds foreign to me…or I have no experience with…even if it sounds CRAZY to me…I listen….and tuck that away…and perhaps….someday…something will ‘click’…

Who knows?

What I WAS doing wasn't working...and....I got to the point where I didn't want to live......what did I have to lose?

the madness of it all....

for several years

i spent several hours a day

sitting on a stool

staring at a video screen and i would

press the button press the button press the button press the button.


often, I did not eat or drink or urinate because if I did any of those things, I would have to PAUSE from pressing the button.


If my machine hit a jackpot and there was not an available machine nearby that I could play while I waited for an attendant to pay me off...I would become antsy and irritable because I would have to PAUSE from pressing the button.

While at the casino together, my husband would want to go to the restaurant…it would INFURIATE me..because I wanted to keep on pressing the button.

Oh! And let one of my kids wake up and say they didn’t feel well…could they stay home from school? Are you kidding me??? A whole day at HOME when I could be pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button.


I was not the person that I really am.


this addiction costs us so much more than money.


I REMEMBER

Going to the grocery store so that I could get cash back on the transaction without a withdrawal showing on the statement. I would buy things I didn’t even need....then, when that cash was gone, on to the drug store to do the same thing.

The stress from having several payday loans…not HAVING the loans..but having to SHOW UP at the establishment to renew the loans….what if someone saw me walking in or out? How would I explain this?

Being in Las Vegas with my mom..she became ill and I let her go to the room alone…while I gambled all night long…I didn’t know until later how much pain she was in…how afraid she was that night.

Leaving Las Vegas with a friend of mine. I had the shakes as I boarded the plane…I was exhausted, having only slept a few hours over a couple of days…I had barely eaten or drunk anything at all…I was dehydrated.

I hated taking the kids to Vegas...what??? spend time at the POOL??? in LAS VEGAS??? that was MY vacation....

So many lies.

Always rushing…because I was always late…because I could not leave my machine.

Squirming in my seat because I couldn’t get up to use the restroom. I once actually peed right there as I pressed the button… OMG…that is so insane.

The mail and the phone…the stress of the secret…knowing that the next ring could be the ring that causes my world to come crashing in.
Little did I know….that my world had been crashing in for a long long time….it was not until the secret came out that I started to rebuild it.

How You Live

I was using the SEEK button this morning on the car radio…nothing good was playing on my preset stations….a song caught my attention…so I listened to it…loved it…..turns out it was on a Christian radio station (which is not something I ordinarily listen to)....

Anyway…..

The song is ‘How You Live’ by a group called ‘Point of Grace’

The lyrics:

Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want, but want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Turn up the music Turn it up Loud
Take a few chances Let it all out
Because you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
Because it's not who you knew and it's not what you did
It's how you Live

So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth cause you can't get away
Oh no
Just face it and you'll be ok

Turn up the music Turn it up Loud
Take a few chances Let it all out
Because you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
Because it's not who you knew and it's not what you did
It's how you Live

Where ever you are and wherever you've been
Now is a time to begin

So give to the needy and Pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
And make peace with God and Make peace with yourself
Oh yeah
Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music Turn it up Loud
Take a few chances Let it all out
Because you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
Because it's not who you knew and it's not what you did
It's how you Live

Because it's not who you knew and it's not what you did
It's how you Live

Getting started in recovery

This recovery stuff
Is really hard to begin…for so many reasons.

One reason is because
It’s all very vague
What, exactly, do we have to do?

I hear people in gamblers anonymous say ‘meetings make it’
Yet I know people who attend meetings…and continue to gamble.
I know people who have gambled immediately after attending a meeting.
I have done that myself.

Even when I attended meetings….what I actually had to DO was very vague.
I wanted a list..do this, then this, then that and you will be all better.

There are the steps, of course…the g.a. 12 steps, but…I found them elusive as well.

I hear people say…’get a sponsor’
I think…that’s a wonderful idea….a sponsor….or SOME sort of relationship that is recovery based….
I have some wonderful friendships that are sort of sponsor-like but
None of them are really sponsors.

It is hell out there.
We know that.
Desperation, hopelessness, fear….
When we are there…we want out….when we are out, we want to STAY out…but how?

I use many different tools for my personal recovery.
I have been searching…learning
Found out…there are lots of people recovering…in ways other than g.a.

That sort of surprised me at first.
G.A. kind of scared me into believing that if I didn’t follow that program, I was gonna gamble.

I love G.A.
I use many of the principles from the program.
But there are other ways.
G.A. doesn’t work for everyone.

I try to remain open-minded…I am always looking for new information…new tools…new knowledge that I can use.

For me, now, it’s not about stopping gambling.
That is done.

Now, it is about staying stopped.

I have no urges…no desire to gamble.

But…there is a ‘gambling voice’ that lives in me….and I cannot allow that voice to gain control of the dialogue in my head…ever.

So I listen…learn….I do lots of things….today..for ME…it’s about growth.

But….there were a few things that I did to get started on this path:

The first thing I had to do was Make a Decision to stop. This is it. I had hurt enough...enough.

I put up ‘roadblocks’ when I was having a ‘moment of clarity’…so that when that gambling voice DID take over my thoughts again….gambling would be a little more difficult to do.

I attended meetings....they lifted me...I felt I was not alone.

I tried to remain AWARE of my EMOTIONS.
Tried to learn to NAME them…that’s it…just name them…not change them or do anything…just be AWARE of what I was thinking and feeling…

I tried to remain aware of what was going on with my PHYSICALLY.
I was under so much stress…so much anxiety, I was often tense….my muscles strained.

While I didn’t try to change how I FELT (emotionally)…I DID try to change the tension thing….as soon as I’d realize I was all knotted up…I would breathe deeply…and try to loosen up the muscles….stop clenching the steering wheel, whatever…just RELAX.

It’s hard to relax when one is rushing thru their life…which I was….so I tried to slow down, when I could…tried to make changes so that I didn’t HAVE to rush as much.

I practiced TRYING to be grateful...it was hard at first...there were so many things going wrong...there were so many consequences...but

not EVERYTHING was bad...sometimes...the good things were hard to find...but.... having food, clothing, shelter, clean water.... being grateful for whatEVER we have...is important.... Gratitude...changes how we think...who we are..

I found others like me….who were successfully accomplishing what I wanted to do…I listened to what they said…some of it…I discarded…much of it…I use.

I began to practice Being in the Moment.

I have formed some intense friendships with others who are recovering from gambling addiction….people with whom I share thoughts and feelings..about recovery…about life….trust…is difficult for me….being on the internet and to some degree, anonymous, has freed me a great deal…I have shared things I would have a hard time doing in person, face to face.

The more I learn…the more I know I don’t know…

I am learning things….about being human…
Emotions….
Spirituatlity…
LIFE…

That I never understood or even imagined…and today
I cannot imagine gambling…my life is so full….of wonder

Life is good.
I once felt like…it was pointless…and I was just ‘going thru the motions’.
There is more to it.
We can’t do it alone.
We don’t have to.

Related posts:
How do I stop?
What is Recovery? Where do I start?


When I was suffering...I was so far from here...I hardly believed this could be achieved...but it can.
I am doing it.
You can too.

Never stop trying to stop.

Out of the Madness

I have this document on my p.c. that is named ‘blog on this’.

I sometimes jot down one or two words…some topic that I’ve been pondering…and sometimes I sit down and REALLY begin writing.

Sometimes, after I write out a piece, I think “I can’t post that.” (fear?) because thoughts and emotions are difficult things to TALK about…not just for the OBVIOUS reasons…but sometimes…the posts end up sounding really crazy...talking about the different voices in my head…of course…if you’re reading this…you likely have at least two….the ‘gambler voice’ that starts justifying and rationalizing and tells you that you don’t want to stop…. Or that it isn’t POSSIBLE to stop……that stuff….and the ‘wise voice’ that remained sane through all of this…silent, but sane…..evn in the cycle….every once in a while that ‘wise voice’ is in charge of our thoughts…that’s what I call a ‘moment of clarity’….If you are a compulsive gambler who is still in the cycle…the fact that you are reading this blog says that you are probably having a ‘moment of clarity’ right now.

ANYWAY…I’m reading this book, entitled ‘A New Earth: Awakening to your life’s purpose’ by Eckhart Tolle….I told a story from the book here….

I am reading a few minutes ago when he starts talking about feeling fragmented.

Well…….I blogged on that yesterday…it’s MY word…fragmented….and….it was going to be a post…except…I just started blabbering and talking about things that weren’t important (that’s another reason a blog may die in this document)…

Anyway…the synchronicity thing, you know….I figured….I’d come back to this post….back to fragmented…

Fragmented

I hear people say that addicts have a low self-esteem….also…that we had difficult childhoods.

There are many many traits that seem to be common amongst compulsive gamblers, or among addicts, in general…but…not all of us have ALL of the traits….likely…NONE of us have ALL of the traits that are ‘common’ amongst us.

I have a pretty healthy self-esteem…I do sometimes feel insecure….and my self-esteem seems to fluctuate somewhat…but, generally speaking…my self-esteem is high…I feel confident and loved…and worthy…I feel ‘good enough’…

But sometimes…I feel…what I have come to call ‘fragmented’.

It is difficult to describe a feeling….but I imagine…if you have FELT this way…you know what I mean….fragmented…as opposed to feeling whole.

I read somewhere…that ….our feelings are one of our senses.

sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch help us to know what’s going on in our world….

Our FEELINGS help us to know what’s going on with our SOUL. It’s when we’re not in balance, sort of.

* * * * * *
That’s where my post got lost…started talking about what makes me feel fragmented as opposed to feeling whole…and…now I can see…that isn’t what this is supposed to be about…it’s about...

OK, we gambled.
Yes, it was terrible.
We did some bad things.
Maybe we ruined our lives.
Maybe we ruined other people’s lives too.
Maybe we will never be able to fix some of the problems that we’ve created.
OK.
I get it.
You’re not the only one….and I get it.
Yes, it happened.

So
Now
Are we going to keep telling this story?
Are we going to keep LIVING this???

Or
Are we going to step out of the madness…
NOT just for a moment……
Are we going to have this ‘moment of clarity’ and hold on tightly to it…keep reading…keep reaching…find others that can help us out of the abyss…out of the madness…

And Live our lives.

fellowship -- friends in recovery

It is my belief that being a part of a 'fellowship' can be an EXTREMELY useful tool in recovery, whatever path we choose...

fellowship, defined - an association of people who share common beliefs or activities

soooo

the gambler's anonymous program is a fellowship....online forums are fellowships...and having one or more 'support –buddies’ is ALSO a fellowship.

our involvment in fellowships can vary, to fit our needs...I see some people who are very involved in gamblers anonymous activities.....different things work better for different people...I have seen people who hook up with a 'buddy' and commit, each day, to not gambling and have found success in that...I have seen others, however, who were unable to keep the commitment and ended up in a great deal of shame and remorse :( and I have even seen where that triggered the OTHER person to gamble......the key is, *I* think....to find what works for US...

I have quite a few 'friends in recovery' and...what we do varies….there really isn’t a PLAN….they are just my friends….I have one friend who…we generally email one another often throughout the day....

usually we mail at night or early in the morning to share how we'll spend our day...then...throughout the day....we might text or email just to say hi...or i'm waiting at the dr. office and i'm bored..how r u doing?...sometimes we telephone also.... we spend lots of times talking about recovery…addiction…philosophy, life….we share other things in our lives as well…as friends tend to do.

one thing that this *consistent* contact does is....if and when we become overwhelmed with the desire to gamble.....reaching out to someone isn't a big deal...it is what we do ALL OF THE TIME....when things are bad OR good...we are staying in contact....

some of my 'friends in recovery' still struggle often with urges...or even gamble from time to time...but...once we break free from the cycle and the issue of not gambling/gambling is not a daily concern...the contact turns more towards just being a friend :)

it makes sense that...sometimes...when we hook up with a 'buddy' we don't really 'click'...we don't in the REAL world...outside of the internet and outside of gambling..so why should we here? if that happens...make new friends.

I guess...what I'm saying is...that one thing that has worked for ME...is making friends...finding people that I like...or..hmmm ?relate to on some level or another....or are just drawn to for no particular reason...finding those people...and become friends...and sharing our day....and our recoveries.

I subscribe to the ‘Wisdom of the Rooms’ site and they send an email every day….yesterday the email was "The reason the program works is because we're not all crazy on the same day."

Having friends in recovery…helps me in so many ways…one important way is….when I DO start thinking or behaving ‘like an addict’ they can call me on it….that’s something that a friend who is NOT in recovery…could never do.

Alone is too lonely.
Even if i COULD do this alone....why would I want to?

Our Biggest Fear

Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,or gorgeous or talented or fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.
You playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in every one of us.

And as we let our own light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear of our own excellence,our presence automatically liberates others.

From A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Clean Dates

Was talking to a friend in recovery the other day about clean dates.

My clean date has meant different things to me at different times.

The first time that I stopped gambling….I really wanted an ‘old’ date…I’d attend g.a. meetings and there were people who had YEARS and YEARS of clean time…that amazed me…

Every DAY was a struggle for me…and I was certain that I would always struggle……. Struggle or gamble…but…I would never be ‘OK’ with not gambling…I would never be HAPPY not to gamble…that thought was ridiculous.

So those people with many many years of clean time were…well…that would never be me.

But…there were people with 6 months..or a year or two…and as the days and months began to pass…THAT sort of seemed do-able.

I wanted to be that. I wanted to say my clean date…and it NOT be yesterday or last week…or even last month…I wanted it to be old.

Whatever works.

And that DID work for me.

The first time I stopped gambling.

I have a friend in recovery who says “Take what you need and think about the rest.”

He says ‘think about’ as opposed to ‘leave’ because…sometimes..we hear things…and decide that’s not for us…it’s not something we need to do for our recovery…it won’t help us…

And…maybe we’re RIGHT when we think that.

But…that doesn’t mean that we will NEVER need it…or that the knowledge will NEVER be useful…so…I’ve found it’s important to LISTEN…and to stay OPEN MINDED…so that I can learn.

That’s not always easy for me…I’m a pretty stubborn girl.

But…this time…I didn’t really care so much about my clean date at all….I didn’t count days….and I have come to realize that some people…even with very old clean dates…well…I don’t want what they have….and I see people with ‘newer’ dates…that DO have something I want. Our clean dates are not a measure of how ‘good’ we are doing…or how ‘recovered’ we are.

Soooooo

Wanting to ‘keep’ my date is NOT going to be a deterrent to gambling for me this time….This time, many things are different…

But…I still celebrate my last date gambled….not in the way that I did the LAST time…it is not a badge of honor…or a measure of anything at all…

But…

It is an important day in the same way that my wedding anniversary is an important day.

It marks a date in my life when things changed…a new beginning.

Each year, I acknowledge my wedding anniversary…I rejoice in the fact that I made this change….that I have my husband and my children….I celebrate my ‘clean date’ in the same way.

I have no idea how many days I’ve been married…I just go about my life…I don’t count my days in recovery either…

I just live them.

This is just what works for me (today).
Find what works for you…..
And do it….
If it’s not working for you….
Change it.

Is it always progressive?

An article was posted on the gettingpastgambling forum that really got me thinking about my own gambling experience.

Here’s what grabbed my attention “Harvard researchers found that gambling addicts do not necessarily get steadily worse over time, and they can fall in and out of problem gambling. Some may even recover from the addiction on their own.”

And it also said “Often, their condition ameliorates, moving them out of more serious to less severe levels....and they are able to keep from returning to serious levels.”

I have a friend in recovery that argues that compulsive gambling is not necessarily progressive.


I also know that…I have landed in the cycle twice…and the experiences were very very different…some might say that my SECOND bout…was less severe than the first….here’s why…

The first time….I started gambling ‘for fun’…it was entertainment…and slowly I deteriorated….eventually I found myself in a TREMENDOUS amount of debt…gambling daily….gambling HUGE sums of money at any given time…it was all I wanted to do….except….I wanted to die….there was no way out…I knew I couldn’t stop.

When I was gambling I was compulsed to continue, and when I WASN’T gambling…I was obsessed with thoughts of it.

I managed to break free from the cycle…and abstained from gambling for nearly two years…and then… one morning…while going through some extremely traumatic events….I justified it….who could blame me? Besides…I didn’t have that much money on me….how much trouble could I get into?

That morning…I didn’t gamble too long..and I didn’t blow too much money…I was fine…there was a little bit of shame/guilt…but…it felt pretty good, too…and I didn’t hurt anyone.

The success of that morning allowed me to justify gambling again, a week or so later…where again, I didn’t cause too much damage.

I began gambling pretty regularly….over a two year period.

I did NOT gamble daily.
I did NOT gamble hundreds of thousands of dollars away (as I had the first time).
I was not ALWAYS obsessed with thoughts of gambling…my world did not revolve around it.

But I got back to the point where I DID gamble longer than I had planned…almost every time I gambled.

I gambled every dime that I had available to me to gamble with….even when it meant giving up things that I wanted (or needed) for myself….and I sometimes gambled with money that did not belong to me…at one time I had five pay-day loans.

I often called my brother, or friends of mine to ask them for money.

While my thoughts were not always around gambling…my thinking was impaired BECAUSE of gambling….I imagine that only a compulsive gambler who has been there…and is now in recovery can understand that statement…but…when I was in the cycle, my thought process was so far from normal…in so many ways.


The fact is….whether or not the addiction actually ‘progressed’ is unclear to me…I am thinking it did NOT…BUT

What *IS* clear is that….when I gamble, my life isn't good....when I gamble, I don't like how I think or how I feel.....abstinence is the only answer for me….

I have already progressed to the point that gambling causes problems in my life….i suppose it’s possible that I can gamble and my condition may not worsen..but…I don’t believe that it will ever get ‘better’…or that I will be able to ‘control’ my gambling for any length of time.

I believe that I will never be able to gamble like a ‘normal’ person…but….

Even if I could…

Why would I want to?

I am so busy…living my life.


* * * * * *

For reference purposes….The gamblers anonymous program says:

“We know that no real compulsive gambler ever regains control. All of us felt at times we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief -were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced that gamblers of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time we get worse, never better.”

And

“The explanation that seems most acceptable to Gamblers Anonymous members is that compulsive gambling is an illness, progressive in its nature, which can never be cured, but can be arrested.”

And

“The compulsive gambler needs to be willing to accept the fact that he or she is in the grip of a progressive illness and has a desire to get well.”

And

“The first bet to a problem gambler is like the first small drink to an alcoholic. Sooner or later he or she falls back into the same old destructive pattern.

Once a person has crossed the invisible line into irresponsible uncontrolled gambling he or she never seems to regain control. After abstaining a few months some of our members have tried some small bet experimentation, always with disastrous results. The old obsession inevitably returned.”

* * * * *
The article….as it appears at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/GettingPastGambling/message/41772

GAMBLING ADDICTION NOT NECESSARILY A PERMANENT AFFLICTION Harvard Med School study shows there is hope for problem gamblers Presumably quoting from the Harvard Medical School report commissioned by the Vienna listed online gambling company Bwin, the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry has published the results of an HMS study that found many gambling addicts recover from their addiction naturally, without treatment, and that problem gambling is a more dynamic phenomenon than was previously believed. The published review paper, "Stability and Progression of Disordered Gambling: Lessons From Longitudinal Studies," covers five important studies conducted by Harvard researchers, whose findings challenge conventional wisdom about problem gambling. Problem gambling bodies have long held the belief that addiction to gambling is a degenerative condition, with victims betting more as the condition progresses, and continued betting fuelling the addiction. However, the Harvard researchers found that gambling addicts do not necessarily get steadily worse over time, and they can fall in and out of problem gambling. Some may even recover from the addiction on their own. "Although it might be tempting to assume that stability or progressive worsening characterizes disordered gambling, longitudinal study of classification patterns does not support this conclusion," say the researches in their review paper. In their findings, the researchers point out that short-term and long-term follow-up periods indicate that individuals with some gambling problems can experience considerable movement in the levels of gambling disorder. Often, their condition ameliorates, moving them out of more serious to less severe levels....and they are able to keep from returning to serious levels. "These findings challenge many common beliefs about the course of gambling-related problems and disorders," say the researchers. "Correcting such misconceptions is particularly important to youthful fields of inquiry, such as the study of disordered gambling." Lead author Debi LaPlante, a psychiatry instructor at the Harvard Medical School, told the The Ottawa Citizen, that the conclusion is surprisingly similar to what researchers have found about other addictions, such as alcoholism and heroin addiction. Many Canadian researchers are reaching the conclusion that addictive behaviours can come and go, and that they are conditions that afflicted people can learn to control with the right assistance. In the U.S., the prevalent thought is similar to that of the 12-step disease model which states that the addiction is always progressive.

Online-Casinos.com editors note: The above news article is based on the findings by a Harvard Medical School report - a report that is apparently sponsored by an online betting company: --

If you are still in the cycle.....

There was a time, when, if I had read something like this blog, I would have been so far from relating to it…it would have been so foreign to me...these concepts…these ideas.

There was a time, when, I believed that life was a series of days…that I just had to get through…no purpose for being here…it all seemed so mundane and useless…MEANINGless and….for naught.

I felt that way when I was gambling…I felt that way BEFORE I developed an addiction.

I mean…I was sometimes happy…but…for the most part, I was just existing…going through the motions.

And now….

Now that I am HERE…in THIS place…where everything seems so clear to me…it is difficult to comprehend…that I was ever ‘there’…in that misery…of addiction…the hopelessness and despair.

It is so far from where I am today.

But

I *WAS* there….and NOW..I am *HERE*….

There is no question about it…I *WAS* there…

So…I am proof…there *IS* hope…there *IS* a way out

And

I am not the only one

Many people….have gone to prison because of this addiction…have wanted to die..have TRIED to die (sadly…many have succeeded)….many have lost everything….material possessions, jobs, families…EVERYTHING…and yet…today… they are not gambling

And

Are happy.

There was a time when I could not have believed it…and…even if THEY could do it…*I* could not have…and…even if I *COULD* stop gambling…I couldn’t be happy…I could certainly never be happy without it….I didn’t really want to stop…I couldn’t.

It was an illusion.

I was a slave…and I had been brain-washed.

Today…I am free.

I am truly free…

If you are still struggling…still in the cycle….know that….it is possible….it CAN be done…YOU can do it…can break free…and can be happy....there is proof…*I* am proof.

There is hope.
Never stop trying to stop.

What causes Misery?

There have been periods in my life…when…I was ALWAYS a wreck… on any given day…if someone were to ask me how I was…I’d roll my eyes and sigh…I may or may not have gone into the whole schpeel…depends on who it was…but it was a rare thing, during those periods, for me to be joyful.

We all know those people…who are always moaning about something or other…..and then….we all know the ones that seem to be able to deal with whatever is going on in their lives, with grace…who just….do what needs to be done..and smile right on thru it.

How is that?

How is that…when tragedy strikes…we all handle it so differently?

When Suzanne Somers’ Malibu home burned to the ground…I saw her on the news…she stood there, looking at the ashes and she said "We will rebuild, and I truly believe we will learn something great from this experience."

Wow.

I imagine there were others…in very similar circumstances…who were absolutely devastated.

Which says to me…that it is not what HAPPENS in our lives…that can make us happy…or make us miserable…it is how we THINK about what happens….

Our circumstances certainly affect us…and…

IT IS OK TO FEEL SADNESS.

It is ok to feel WHATEVER it is that we feel.

As a matter of fact…attempting to NOT feel is a part of peg’s problem…not wanting to feel bad feelings… thinking that bad feelings are bad…

But….I am learning to FEEL sadness…and not BECOME sadness….to FEEL anxious and not to BE anxious….to FEEL frustrated or angry or whatEVER I am feeling…..

To feel it…for as long as necessary…and then…to let it go.

I have Power

I’ve been thinking….what was the FIRST thing I had to do…to start this process of breaking free.

The SECOND thing that I had to do…was the most empowering….likely the most important.

The FIRST thing I had to do was acknowledge and admit my powerlessness over gambling (g.a. Step 1)…but

The SECOND thing I had to do….was acknowledge where I AM POWERFUL!

And I do have Power.


Interesting that….almost everything that I thought I COULD control…I now know that I cannot…and many of the things that I believed I could NOT control…I absolutely can.

I am learning that…the only thing that I can control is ME.
And
That is EXACTLY what I thought I could not control…

I am learning to control my thoughts.

I have always been a compulsive thinker…and I wasn’t even aware of it…this mind buzzing around…thinking this, thinking that…(is that the attention deficit disorder?)….is that what a.d.d. is??? Is that the diagnosis that we give to people who are thinking compulsively??

Soooo….I’m learning how to slow down my THOUGHTS….

deep breathing…and meditating… help me to slow down….

I am learning that WHAT I think..often influences how I FEEL.

I am learning that my thoughts and my feelings have a huge impact on what’s going on with this body of mine.

I am discovering that…as I learn new things, I become more and more empowered….having new knowledge allows me to look at things in different ways.

Today…I seek out people that inspire me…people who bring out the best in me….people who ‘have something I want’…in terms of their life…peace..serenity….I seek people, places and things that ‘lift’ me….and I try to lift others.

There is so much more to this life than I ever imagined.

Parking at the Casino

I met a friend for lunch today.
I was running a few minutes late (what’s new?) and had never been to the restaurant where we were meeting.
I checked the internet before I went and saw that they validate parking….Harrah’s casino (an old stomping ground) is right next door…they validate parking in Harrah’s lot. I know it well.

I decided I’d park someplace else.

But then…I caught traffic…so I ended up being REALLY late…and it was raining AND…there really wasn’t other parking nearby…I KNEW I wasn’t going to gamble…and I was in such a hurry…so I did it…

As I pulled into the lot, I saw a temporary sign…said ‘special event parking 0-24 hours $40’
Wow $40.
That’s steep.
Then I thought….that web-site that said they validate parking…it was a REVIEW…it wasn’t the restaurant’s site…and I wonder if it was post-Katrina? Everything is different now…I really hope they are going to validate this parking.
The parking ticket that the machine spit out says FREE PARKING for 30 minutes of play.
Now THAT is funny…..thirty minutes of play would cost me a helluva lot more than $40....

Anyway…I parked…had lunch and as I approached the parking garage elevators..to return to my car…there was a guy who had obviously just left the casino…he was sort of dancing around…looked like he just won a million bucks…I remember that feeling…I was moving toward the elevator he was entering when another door opened…..I stepped into the empty elevator…I really don’t want this guy talking to me about his winnings.

Just as the doors are closing…this woman comes running up…she looks frazzled…I held the door for her…she got in.

She was a wreck.
Maybe nobody else would be able to tell…but *I* know that look.
I know that feeling.

She was sort of out of breath…she was holding her validated parking ticket in one hand and her phone in the other….she was trying to call someone…her expression…she was late……she had stayed too long…I know that expression…I know that look.

I exited the elevator on my floor…only to discover I had no idea where I’d parked. WAS this my floor???
Cute!
The garage is pretty full..and a car is slowly following me…wants my spot – HA! I have no idea where it is….there were a couple of cars that were circling around…looking for spots……they passed me several times…I searched on three different floors before I finally found my car….the people in those circling cars were laughing at me…I was laughing at myself.

Laughing….

I left the casino laughing.

My life is not about gambling any more….regardless of where I am.

When I live my life...I win every day.

Life is not Fair - Our stories

I used to think that life wasn’t fair….not just to ME..but in general.

But…to me, too.

My life seems to be feast or famine…either my world is wonderful and beautiful…or everything..EVERYTHING is going wrong.

Regardless of where I am at any given time….I can see the unfairness of it all…when my life is full of love and joy..and I know that others suffer…or are alone….or when my life is falling apart and everyone else seems to be happy…

When I first found safe harbor chat room I spent an average of 16 hours a day there…for MONTHS I did that (it’s hard to gamble when you spend all of your time talking about not gambling)…and one of the many things that I learned there is…everyone has a story.

Everyone does.
We ALL have pain.

Not just compulsive gamblers (or addicts, in general)…but EVERYONE.

We do seem to be exceptionally sensitive, though.

Not necessarily in a ‘poor me’ sort of way (although that is sometimes the case)…but…in a broken heart sort of way.

It made me start looking at everyone differently….the check-out girl at the grocery….the guy in the car next to me at the red-light…ALL of us have experienced pain…we have our stories.

One of the things that I have seen repeatedly is the RELIEF that we find…when we find a safe place to share…to tell our stories…..to get it out…over and over again, I hear people say how GOOD it feels to finally SAY it.

There is power in telling our stories…I’m not sure how or why it works…but I have found that…with regards to the events in my life that have caused me great pain…if I tell it, and tell it and tell it…eventually it doesn’t HURT so much to tell it…and if I keep on telling it and telling it….I eventually get to the point where I don’t NEED to tell it anymore….it loses it’s power.

My stories will always be a part of who I am….they led me here…to the place that I am today…to the woman that I have become…and I will always have the memories…but it isn’t necessary for me to suffer always…it isn’t DESIRABLE to suffer always.

I have told bits and pieces of my story…here and there…but I think I am going to start writing…from the beginning…tell it all, yet again.

If you haven’t told your story…or…even if you HAVE told your story…but are still hurting…tell it again.

Find a safe place….a face to face support group, a therapist, an online group, an e-mail buddy…ME…SOMEONE....but tell it…and when you do…let it hurt…if you begin to feel angry…FEEL angry…talk about the anger…or the sadness…WHATEVER you feel….scream, cry, speak, write….tell it.

Tell it…until you don’t feel the need to tell it any more.

Searching for My Higher Power - III

The story starts here ......... Searching for My Higher Power - I
and continues here ............ Searching for My Higher Power - II

* * * * * * *

So I started reading the Celestine prophecy.

It’s fiction but very interesting…using google I found groups that are dedicated to the ‘insights’ that are the focus of the book.

The first insight is that…there is a ‘spiritual awakening’ beginning to take place on the planet…and that..individuals are sort of ‘led toward’ this awakening by ‘mysterious coincidences’ that take place in our lives…I had one happen not too long ago…. I have this friend…she and I have always said that we ‘scare’ one another…we rarely see each other..or even contact one another at all….and sometimes…out of the blue, I will begin thinking of her…and within a short period of time, she will call and say ‘lets do lunch’…or visa-versa…well…not more than a few weeks ago…I woke from a dream that she was in…I haven’t spoken to her in months….I told my husband about the dream…short time later, I get on the p.c. and check my emails…there is one from her…she sent it while I was sleeping…the email simply said ‘I miss you :( ’

Welll…..the book puts forth the notion that…these synchronistic events…things that really cannot be related..but somehow seem to be…are important…and the more aware we are of them…the more they will occur…and that they are relevant to our ‘spiritual journey’, which is, after all, the reason we are here.

I loved this idea….and remembered a book that I read long ago entitled ‘there are no accidents’ where the author told many short stories from people he had interviewed about remarkable synchronistic events – I remember one….some guy who lived on the east coast was set up on a blind date with some girl…they met but didn’t hit it off….many years later…this guy is living on the west coast…still single..and some friends set him up on a blind date with some girl…he shows up and it is HER. I don’t recall how it ended :) but…the story was remarkable to me…and implies (to me) that there is SOMETHING…some force (that we cannot see) at play…

Then I remembered the book…’ambushed by god’….and…more and more I began to become aware of events (large and small) that are occurring in my life each day.

The second insight talks about a new world view..where humankind becomes less materialistic and seeks a deeper meaning to life.

The third insight is about energy and started talking about all things having auras that people can actually see…it got sort of weird for me..and my reading sort of tapered off..

THEN I discovered that there was ANOTHER book….that talked about the insights and was NOT a novel…it was entitled ‘The Celestine Vision: Living the new spiritual awareness’….so I bought it.

Loved it.

First insight….also talked about how…when we encounter people…we should be openminded…that..people are put in our path for an exchange…so…listen to what they are ‘giving’ us…and seek what you are to ‘give’ others that you encounter.

Second insight…I don’t recall too much.

Third insight…they started talking about auras again…that you can REALLY see them….I was intrigued…but again…too weird….I was reading about this when I forgot the book in a hotel room…funny that it was at the third insight (same as when I stopped reading the OTHER book)…I figured it was a ‘sign’…and let it go.

A few weeks later, I was at the monthly meeting of my book club…I was talking to a nurse who started telling me about some ‘course’ that she had just finished…on ‘energy healing’…she was talking about some of the physicians who were there…and mentioned seeing auras.

Huh?

She loaned me a book…which I have yet to open.
That was nearly a year ago.

p.s....the friend that emailed me last month....I haven't gotten together with her either.

To be continued……..

Rushing/Worrying

so I was in a hurry all day...I think that feeling rushed is stressful in itself...even if there aren't dire consequences for being late/too slow.

I have made huge strides in SLOWING DOWN...that was one of the first things I had to learn how to do in recovery...SLOW DOWN and RELAX...but today? it was out the window.

Many reasons for that....I take on more than I can handle...I put things off til the last minute...and ...like with traffic, sometimes, life just throws you a curve-ball.

Gambling did that for me...it slowed me down....I would rush rush rush...rush to get everyone off...rush to get myself ready...rush to get there...then sit on that stool....and relax...that was it...I slowed down...and relaxed (right up until the gut started twisting....about the money...or responsibilities I was neglecting..or WHATEVER.....but more often than not...the gut started twisting).

Anyway....

I picked up my son today and asked what happened when he got to school...'no big deal' he said 'about 40 kids were late'.....I told him that I had a hard time shaking that off this morning...it ruined much of my day...

He looked at me like I had two heads...and said 'no wonder you have so many problems....you worry about all of YOUR stuff...and you worry about MY stuff too!' (ummm...he has a brother..and a father as well)...

wow

he's right....

only worry about 'my own stuff'

I'll put that on my list.

xo

Rough morning

There are several types of 'bad days'... there's the bad day when you find out that your biopsy results are not good...or someone you love has died...the BIG things.

but then...there is the day-to-day stuff...

for ME...the day to day stuff is hard because...I KNOW it's not important...I KNOW it's just menial things...but I STILL get all worked up.

Traffic was horrendous this morning which meant my son would be late for school....which is a problem...he has a teacher who is giving him a hard time already....we don't need to make waves....AND...my OTHER son just changed schools (an entirely DIFFERENT set of stresses there)...and if HE hadn't done THAT...we would NOT have been in that particular location...and we would NOT have been late....then..people were going in the other (wrong) lane...then cutting the line..the guy in front of me must've let 40 cars in arghhhhhh!!!!

The entire time I was there...it was an inner battle...I KNEW I couldn't do anything about it...and getting upset was not helping anything....and I'd calm myself down....then...I'd get all worked up again....curse at the guy in front of me, apologize to my son....laugh...breathe deeply....and be ok for a few minutes...then....pissed off again. LOL

It wasn't sitting in traffic that bothered me....it was my son....being protective of him...not wanting him to suffer consequences for something that was beyond his control.

*HE* was fine....why get upset? nothing HE could do about the situation.

good for him....maybe he won't end up in recovery :)

hmmmm.....not sure that came out right....since recovery is the best thing that happened to me...

maybe what I mean is.....perhaps...my children can gain the wisdom..reap the rewards of living a recovery-like life....without actually having to RECOVER from anything.

well....I got through the morning... the 'new' way....

I calmed myself.
All is well.

Maybe it will just go away....

I was married at 18 yrs of age.
I knew it was a mistake even before I said ‘I do’…but..there seemed to be no way out.

Like most things in my life…it wasn’t a conscious, well planned DECISION…it was the next step on the path I was on…and I just kept walking without much thought to anything other than that moment.

Focusing on the present is important….but…it’s necessary to take into account how our actions in the present will affect our future.

ANYWAYyyyyy

So I married a man I wasn’t in love with…he was a great guy…we just did not belong married to one another.

I knew that I wouldn’t be married to him forever.

I knew that I wouldn’t be married for more than a year or so…but it was very difficult to leave…for many reasons.

So I stayed.

I was miserable.
I made us BOTH miserable…
I wanted out so badly….but I stayed…
I wanted HIM to leave…so I made him miserable…
he didn’t leave…and still,
I stayed.

One day…with our five year anniversary approaching, it suddenly hit me.

Five years.

I had been there….doing this…being unhappy….for FIVE YEARS…KNOWING full well that I didn’t belong there and that I WOULD leave (one day).

I never DREAMED it would have gone on for five years.

Yet…there I was…..and I suddenly knew that…ONE day…SOME day….would only happen if *I* MADE it happen…there *IS* no SOME day…there is only NOW…and if I didn’t leave…then….our ten year anniversary would come and go…then twenty….fifty…and we would have lived our whole lives…both of us…unhappily married….knowing all along that we didn’t belong there….and only because….it was too hard…too HARD to do what needed to be done.

I was waiting for someone else (him) to do it for me…I was waiting for my problem to be fixed…my unhappiness to just ‘go away’….when I realized…..if it hadn’t happened by then…it likely wouldn’t…and….

EVEN IF IT DID…even if it WOULD’ve happened eventually….

Why….would I spend one more day there than I already had…
because it was HARD????

Yes….leaving….was hard…but STAYING was hard too.

Funny….I finally understood this….and took steps…but

The lesson did not transfer to other parts of my life….

Those exercises that I will start doing….eventually….so that I can have that awesome bod ONE day……..
the GAMBLING….knowing that the hole was getting deeper…everything was getting worse..daily….and that I would have to take steps….ONE day…

Well…it stops here.

Nobody else is going to fix my life….or make me happy….and even if they do….can I count on them to ALWAYS do it???

Whatever is wrong…ANYTIME something is wrong….*I* need to take steps….or not….and if I decide not to….I must be willing to accept the consequences.

*I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LIFE*

What shall I do with this day?

How do I make you feel?

A new way of thinking and living.

What does that mean?

Well.....one of the first things that I 'got' in recovery....was the realization that I have a lot less power than I thought I did :)

the realization that...I cannot 'make' anyone feel anything.
I cannot make you feel good..or bad...or happy..or ANYTHING at all!

NO ONE can make YOU feel anything.
NO ONE can make ME feel anything either.

if my friend comes to me and says 'You're a bitch and i don't want to be your friend any more'....and that hurts me....i feel bad.

did my friend make me feel bad?

before you answer....let's look at this....

suppose I am to give a speech....there are 50 people in a room...I enter...I give my speech.

I predict that there will be a handfull of people there who will love me :)
Likely there will also be a handfull of people who absolutely cannot STAND me.

how can that be?

they all heard and saw the exact same thing...how could they have different opinions about me?

is it because of ME?

of COURSE not...if it was because of ME..then...all 50 people would have thought exactly the same about me...

each person in the room will walk away with their own feelings or impressions of me BASED ON WHO THEY ARE....based on how THEY think...THEIR belief system.

so...
the original question....did my friend make me feel bad?
well...my friend said something mean.
but how I CHOOSE to think about that...is in MY hands.

If a woman that I'd never met before approached me in the grocery store..and said "You're a bitch and I dont want to be your friend any more"... how would i feel?

most likely I would find her amusing....I mean...she doesn't even know me....I would likely come home...and tell the story to my husband..chuckling over how odd the experience was.

but

if my FRIEND said it....I would feel differently...is that because my friend holds some magical power???

they both said exactly the same thing....what is different?

the difference is..how *I* think about *THEM*.

I CHOOSE how much power I give to people...I CHOOSE how I am affected....and

even if and when I am unable to CHOOSE how I feel....it is STILL not someone ELSE who MAKES me feel the way I do....(I am unable to choose because of ME!).

Things happen....and I react to those things...based on who *I* am.

You can be mean to me.....but I will only feel bad....if I choose to allow you to affect me.

When I feel bad....I feel bad because I feel bad.

Comparing myself to others

When I was a young girl and my mom would tell me not to do this…I thought that she meant…not to look at other girls and think that I was prettier than they were (or they were prettier than me)…or who had a prettier dress or shoes or jewelry.

I’m pretty sure that *IS* what she meant.

I was comparing myself to others tho, even when I wasn’t aware of it…when I walk into a room and feel that I am over or underdressed…when I suddenly realize that my handbag doesn’t match my shoes or any of the MILLIONS of things that can happen..that make me feel uncomfortable with the people I am with....OR…when I feel a little TOO comfortable…

The thing is….I can dress right now….and feel completely different…depending upon whom I am with.

Regardless of whether or not I’m aware of it…that is comparing myself to others.

But that’s all about STUFF....or LOOKS...superficial things.

I am less interested in THINGS than I have ever been…yet I STILL catch myself making comparisons to others…she is gentler than I am…I am kinder, more empathetic…he is more spiritual…or…my recovery is more stable.

I doubt my mom would’ve had as much of a problem with this…because…these are IMPORTANT things…it’s not about LOOKS or THINGS -- but

Does that make it ok ?

I dunno…the thing is….even if it’s ok…

WHO CARES??? WHAT DOES IT MATTER???

The fact is…the only thing that I need to concern myself with…is how kind or generous or spiritual *I* am.

And….do I really?

Is it necessary to measure at all? Do I need to ‘concern myself’ with how I’m doing?

Or…

Do I just….do it?

Not about Keeping my family

what will happen if i get a phone call today that my husband had a heart attack and won't be coming home...anymore? or my children where in an accident?

if i am not actively working 'my program' there is no doubt where i would go….because my THINKING has been altered…there is a part of me now that KNOWS where comfort can be found…that KNOWS that I can find relief for ANY of my woes..even if it’s temporary….that the pleasure center of my brain can be stimulated by gambling.

Working my program involves many things..including doing whatever is necessary to continue THINKING in a healthy fashion (i.e. avoiding addictive thoughts and behaviors).

for a long time...for me, this was about keeping my family....i love my husband and kids...i don't want to lose this...but... I have seen women who have kids...kids that they love...that they have neglected in horrible ways.....several have become homeless....i know some who have sold their bodies for money to gamble.......and i know that that would never be me, right? Well....i never thought that i would spend every dime we had in savings, plus another 100k in credit cards...*I* would never do that...i would never sit at a machine while my kiddo's went to aftercare...i would never be LATE picking them up...ME??? I would NEVER....

I have done many things that I thought I would NEVER do.

it scares me who i am when i am gambling...i hear of women who end up in prison for embezzling...i know that that could never be me....but then...i became really good at justifying unjustifiable things when i gambled...i'm sure that those women didn't feel like they were stealing...more like borrowing...they would put it right back (when they won)...blah blah blah

This is not about keeping my family any more (although…I do very much love and want to keep them)….

I don't like who i am when i gamble. i don't like the way i think or the way i feel.

All that we have...the present

I hear all sorts of sayings in recovery (and in life)…On occasion I come across something and things suddenly ‘click’.

I'd like to share one of those things....the following excerpt from the book I’m currently reading "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle:

"In 'The Power of Now' I mentioned my observation that after two ducks get into a fight, which never lasts long, they will separate and float off in opposite directions. Then each duck will flap its wings vigorously a few times thus releasing the surplus energy that built up during the fight. After they flap their wings they float on peacefully, as if nothing had ever happened. If the duck had a human mind it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story making. This would probably be the ducks' story:

I don't believe what he just did! He came to within 5 inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond! He has no consideration for my private space. I'll never trust him again. Next time he'll try something else just to annoy me. I'm sure he's plotting something already but I'm not going to stand for this! I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget.

...and on and on the mind spins its tails. Still thinking and talking about it days, months or years later. As far as the body is concerned, the fight is still continuing, and the energy generates in response to all those thoughts is emotion, which in turn generates more thinking. This becomes the emotional thinking of the ego.

You can see how problematic the duck's life would become if it had a human mind. But this is how most humans live most of the time. No situtation or event is ever really finished. The mind and the mind-made "me and my story" keep it going. We are a species that has lost its way. Everything natural, every flower or tree, and every animal have important lessons to teach us, if we would only stop, look and listen. Our duck's lesson is this: Flap your wings, which translates as "let go of the story", and return to the only place of power--the present moment."

Reaching out

So it was Mardi Gras.
We had guests in from several states and from Canada.

A few weeks ago I ran into a guy that works with my husband and we are talking and he says to me “I’ll bet this will work…OH…I forgot…you can’t bet”.
It sort of surprised me that he knew…and…maybe irritated me a little? That I didn’t KNOW he knew?...or maybe…irritated at the way he said that?
I mentioned it to my husband who said that he didn’t recall telling the guy…but then…”maybe I did…I’m not sure…I am not embarrassed by it…I may have told him.”

Wow.

He is not embarrassed. After all I’ve done.

That was so freeing…and quite timely, I might add.

We were at a Mardi Gras party when I was talking to the wife of ANOTHER of his co-workers.

She loves to gamble.

We were at a party the night before..she and her husband left early…and gambled until 6:30 the next morning.

I remember those days.

I’m not even sure how we began talking about it..but I shared that I no longer gamble….that I have a problem.

She was very surprised. Most people are. I have even been told by a g.a. member of many years “You don’t look like a gambler.”

I think that’s so funny.

We have a look?

Anyway….I didn’t say too much to her…I didn’t mention g.a. or any online resources…..she was sure that she’s ok….’it is under control’ but she talked about it quite a bit…and it is, most certainly, no longer under control.

I had no agenda at all….it’s ok with ME if she gambles…it doesn’t affect my life….Plenty of people gamble…it’s ok by me…*I* don’t care if she seeks help or not…or acknowledges that there is a problem…*I* don’t feel the need to convince her that she needs help.

The thing is….it’s hard enough to do this…to get better…when we are hurting…..and we KNOW that we need to stop and we REALLY REALLY WANT to!!!...so….if someone still thinks that they’ve got it ‘under control’…well…you get my drift.

I answered her questions…while I didn’t mention any particular organization or literature….I am sure that I made it clear that there is help available, if she wants it…..that….we are not alone…..and….the biggest thing…..the most important thing….there is life after gambling….there is peace….and joy.

I didn’t SAY all of those things.

But, then, I didn’t need to SAY it…… these days….it just shows.

away for a few days

I will return on Thursday, Feb. 6th.

Love to all,
Peg